It's strange that so many "shoulds" have crept into my life. I've always tried to be the kind of person who avoids those prescriptions, who doesn't do things just because they should be done. I think that's the lesson of my early 20s, when I was in a relationship that epitomized societal expectations. When that relationship ended, I had the rare opportunity to rethink every decision that I had made. I realized that I was heading down a path toward a conventional life, marriage, children, all because I thought that was what I should do. I chose to take a different path and found a richer life as a result. I found my own way and I found myself.
Now He and I find ourselves back in that place. We became beholden to what we thought we "should" be doing, rather than what was right for us. A recent example:
We both were talking about opposite-sex friends at work and I think we were both a bit jealous of the other. Not that either of us thought the other would be unfaithful, just that we were mildly jealous of office flirtations. Anyway, I asked a few questions about his work friend, but He shut that conversation down very quickly and told me to stop being a brat. But when he asked me about my friendship with my work friend, I had to answer every question. I even had to hand over my PDA so he could read our (innocent) e-mails and I had to do it without complaint.
As we went to bed that night, I told Him that I was unhappy at what I perceived to be a double standard. I told Him that I didn't think it was fair that I had to answer all of his questions and submit to his suspicions, while I was barred from questioning him at all. He told me that no, it wasn't fair but that is the way it is. I am owned and things are different for me. He turned over and went to sleep. I was annoyed and I spent half the night turned away from him in a funk.
We talked about it a couple of weeks later and it turns out that he didn't want things to be so unfair. He didn't like that we are held to a different standard over something that concerns both of us in this relationship. His instinct was to apologize and agree to treat each other equally, but instead he laid down the hard line because he thought it would be more dominant. He thought that it would be what was expected of him as an owner, even though it didn't seem right to him and even though it only caused resentment on my part.
We've said that we're 24/7, but that doesn't mean that we can't have limits for ourselves. There are things that neither of us is comfortable with, so why should we do those things? If certain restrictions or rules work for other couples, that's great, but we're not all the same. We need to figure out what works for us and where the line is.
We've started thinking of our relationship as made up of concentric circles. The innermost circle is what we started with: bedroom kink, pure and simple. That is the essential for me and what drew me into BDSM to begin with. The next circle includes non-bedroom kink that we both enjoy and find beneficial, such as my bedtime and the spontaneous way that he exerts his control on me in public when I least expect it. The outermost circle holds the things that we've been doing but aren't necessarily essential for us or aren't exactly working. The key will be to figure out what is working and what isn't, and to decide for ourselves what we should do.
For a few days, the prospect of such an adjustment had me in a right state. I was nervous that too much would change or that He would want to give up kink altogether. But things seem to have settled down and we're talking about what we should do going forward. A bit of change isn't all bad, right?
Anniversary
This weekend, we celebrated our anniversary. It was the anniversary of our first date, not the start of our exclusive relationship or even when I started thinking of Him as my Owner. But the meaning was the same. We both knew that we were celebrating the year that we spent together and all that we have experienced. I could go back through the archives here and dredge up all of the milestones that I have reached and surpassed over this year, but I don't want to spend time looking backward. I already feel how far we have come together and I don't want to dwell on thinking about a time that I can no longer imagine.
Our weekend was quiet and wonderful. We spent 90% of it alone together, just talking and cuddling and exploring each others' bodies. It's amazing that there are new ways for Him to touch me, even after all of this time. The look in his eyes as he moves toward me still takes my breath away. I laid in his arms and felt the world fall away from me. I slept next to him, curled up against his back. It was all so ordinary and extraordinary at the same time.
The kinky details don't really matter at a time like this. This weekend was notable, not for the lack of kink, but how seamlessly that kink is part of who we are on a day-to-day basis. It wasn't surprising when he folded his hand over my mouth to stifle my screams or scratched his nails down my back. It was normal. After each time we had sex, we still curled up together and touched noses, cooing "I love you" in the dusky darkness of his bedroom.
I'm looking forward to this next year and all that we have to experience together. And I am looking forward to sharing it all with you!
Our weekend was quiet and wonderful. We spent 90% of it alone together, just talking and cuddling and exploring each others' bodies. It's amazing that there are new ways for Him to touch me, even after all of this time. The look in his eyes as he moves toward me still takes my breath away. I laid in his arms and felt the world fall away from me. I slept next to him, curled up against his back. It was all so ordinary and extraordinary at the same time.
The kinky details don't really matter at a time like this. This weekend was notable, not for the lack of kink, but how seamlessly that kink is part of who we are on a day-to-day basis. It wasn't surprising when he folded his hand over my mouth to stifle my screams or scratched his nails down my back. It was normal. After each time we had sex, we still curled up together and touched noses, cooing "I love you" in the dusky darkness of his bedroom.
I'm looking forward to this next year and all that we have to experience together. And I am looking forward to sharing it all with you!
Embrace
After I collapsed onto the bed, He pulled me tightly against him. My cheek was pressed into his chest and I wrapped myself around the length of him, intertwining my legs with his.
My breath eventually returned to normal and I came back to earth in his arms. He kissed the top of my head and whispered in my ear. I don't remember what he said, except that his words made me feel safe and protected.
My breath eventually returned to normal and I came back to earth in his arms. He kissed the top of my head and whispered in my ear. I don't remember what he said, except that his words made me feel safe and protected.
We were quiet as we started kissing again, tentatively at first. Our kisses grew more urgent and we were both moaning softly. He pulled my right leg over his hip and slid into my still-wet pussy with a quiet sigh.
We rocked together, not speaking but looking right into each others' eyes. Somehow, he managed to tuck my left leg underneath him while we remained on our sides. He stayed inside me the entire time, moving in and out of me in a dreamy rhythm. He stroked my hair and held me close, kissing me more insistently as my moans grew louder. I could feel myself ready to come, I could feel him deep inside me, I could feel the love in his eyes and his hands. There were just so many emotions. I was overwhelmed with him all around me.
He tucked his head close against my neck and bit into my shoulder gently. I held onto his back and wondered if there was any way that we would fuse together. We were so close. We could just stop being two people. We were so connected.
We came together, like two beings breathing in and out of each others' lungs. We stayed together for a long time after that, not wanting to separate. Not wanting the break the circuit of electricity. Never wanting to be apart.
Fire
It's amazing what getting back to basics can do for my submission. Simply asking for a spanking (quietly whispering, "Daddy, would you spank me, please?") and being put over His knee were enough to bring me right back into line. As I lay sprawled naked over his lap and braced myself for my spanking, I took a deep breath and felt a wave of confidence. I could feel my breath deep down in my body and I felt so calm. There are enormous reserves of strength there, I realized, and I could take anything He had for me.
He spanked me very hard. There wasn't much mercy there and I was thankful for that. At one point, after I started to cry from the pain of his stinging backhanded slaps, I was quietly begging him. Not to stop exactly, but maybe for a moment to gather myself together. Instead he told me to shut the fuck up and punctuated each spank with a command to "take it, take it."
When he was finished, he picked my head up off of the mattress by my hair and looked into my eyes. "There's that fire," he sighed happily. "It's been flickering lately, but now it's back. My Kitten is back."
I clung to him, tears of joy welling in my eyes, as he held me gently for a few moments. His cock was hard against my leg and I could feel the wetness in my pussy from the spanking. He looked deep into my eyes again.
"More," I said breathlessly, overtaken by my desire to have him inside me, all around me. He moaned and leaned my head back to kiss me deeply. As he put my legs on his shoulders and entered me slowly, I closed my eyes and let the sensations wash over me. I was back.
He spanked me very hard. There wasn't much mercy there and I was thankful for that. At one point, after I started to cry from the pain of his stinging backhanded slaps, I was quietly begging him. Not to stop exactly, but maybe for a moment to gather myself together. Instead he told me to shut the fuck up and punctuated each spank with a command to "take it, take it."
When he was finished, he picked my head up off of the mattress by my hair and looked into my eyes. "There's that fire," he sighed happily. "It's been flickering lately, but now it's back. My Kitten is back."
I clung to him, tears of joy welling in my eyes, as he held me gently for a few moments. His cock was hard against my leg and I could feel the wetness in my pussy from the spanking. He looked deep into my eyes again.
"More," I said breathlessly, overtaken by my desire to have him inside me, all around me. He moaned and leaned my head back to kiss me deeply. As he put my legs on his shoulders and entered me slowly, I closed my eyes and let the sensations wash over me. I was back.
Plans
He talked to me slowly, quietly at first. His voice was low, but I could hear the edge in his voice, the desire. He talked about what I need and what he'll give me, even if that isn't always the same thing. He talked about beating me and I murmured that I need that so badly.
His words became harsh and degrading, pulling me deeper into that submissive headspace. He told me that I am his cunt and a little whore. He made me repeat it so the words would sink in.
He told me about the training - or, actually, the retraining - that he was planning for me. He told me about the belt, and the palm of his hand, and the candle wax. He drew elaborate pictures of me hogtied on the bed and about fucking me until I scream. He told me about the torture of not being able to come and how I would soon face that. He told me how much he would enjoy that and he laughed.
I could feel the heavy calm descending as he spoke and I wecomed it. I wrapped myself in it and felt it all around me. I was reminded. I needed to be reminded.
His words became harsh and degrading, pulling me deeper into that submissive headspace. He told me that I am his cunt and a little whore. He made me repeat it so the words would sink in.
He told me about the training - or, actually, the retraining - that he was planning for me. He told me about the belt, and the palm of his hand, and the candle wax. He drew elaborate pictures of me hogtied on the bed and about fucking me until I scream. He told me about the torture of not being able to come and how I would soon face that. He told me how much he would enjoy that and he laughed.
I could feel the heavy calm descending as he spoke and I wecomed it. I wrapped myself in it and felt it all around me. I was reminded. I needed to be reminded.
Corner
You know, it is simply a matter of turning the corner. Willfully, making myself turn in a new direction. All depression is like this. There is a certain element of matter over mind here. If I can force myself to get up, to put on nice clothes and to head purposefully out into the day, I will feel as I once did. I will feel whole again.
It's not about indulgence. Depression is something I've lived with for a long time; it is something that has slowly tried to kill me without dulling my ability to function. So it's not about having the luxury of staying in bed. There is plenty of time for sadness even if you manage to hold down a full-time job. No, it is about standing up and being strong when you'd rather hide away. Maybe even faking it for a while until being normal feels normal again. Looking at the bright side helps, even when letting go of the negativity feels like a great injustice.
In any case, I am having a good day, a hopeful day. I want to take this day, average as it is, and make copies of it and save those copies for when I need them. I want so desperately to be happy and to make Him happy. I know that it upsets Him when I am sad. I don't want to be a dead weight in our relationship. This is about more than D/s; this is about any relationship. I want to try to be better for us, so we can be stronger together.
He is planning some challenges for me in the weeks ahead. He is going to be gentle if it is needed, but he is also going to test me. I welcome these challenges. I welcome the chance to show Him that I am strong in my submission. I welcome the chance to prove that to myself. I hope that I can rise to the occasion and lose myself in the moment, feel that amazing crackle of electricity between us and do those amazing things that are possible only when we are truly connected. I have faith that that can happen again. What we have...it doesn't go away, ever. It is always there, even if it has been buried under layers of other emotions lately. I am reaching down into myself to find it, to bring it back.
It's not about indulgence. Depression is something I've lived with for a long time; it is something that has slowly tried to kill me without dulling my ability to function. So it's not about having the luxury of staying in bed. There is plenty of time for sadness even if you manage to hold down a full-time job. No, it is about standing up and being strong when you'd rather hide away. Maybe even faking it for a while until being normal feels normal again. Looking at the bright side helps, even when letting go of the negativity feels like a great injustice.
In any case, I am having a good day, a hopeful day. I want to take this day, average as it is, and make copies of it and save those copies for when I need them. I want so desperately to be happy and to make Him happy. I know that it upsets Him when I am sad. I don't want to be a dead weight in our relationship. This is about more than D/s; this is about any relationship. I want to try to be better for us, so we can be stronger together.
He is planning some challenges for me in the weeks ahead. He is going to be gentle if it is needed, but he is also going to test me. I welcome these challenges. I welcome the chance to show Him that I am strong in my submission. I welcome the chance to prove that to myself. I hope that I can rise to the occasion and lose myself in the moment, feel that amazing crackle of electricity between us and do those amazing things that are possible only when we are truly connected. I have faith that that can happen again. What we have...it doesn't go away, ever. It is always there, even if it has been buried under layers of other emotions lately. I am reaching down into myself to find it, to bring it back.
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