I was floaty from the beads. They always push me deep into a very submissive space that leaves me feeling vulnerable, violated even. After a moment to allow an enormous orgasm to subside, I looked up at him.

"Kitten, I want you to ride me facing away from me. I want to see that pretty ass while you ride me." I climbed onto him and slid down onto his cock. I started to ride him slowly.

"Are you going to take your spanking now like a good girl?"

"Now?," I asked. This wasn't right. I wasn't over his lap and he was already fucking me. It really didn't matter because he started spanking me hard. He was hitting me high up on my ass where it stings the most, where there is not much padding. I cried out and leaned forward, concentrating on fucking him.

He worked methodically, landing stinging blow after stinging blow. He pulled the cheeks of my ass apart and slapped me on the sensitive skin around my asshole. I jumped off of his cock and fell forward onto my hands and knees.

The pain of each spank was so acute. I was feeling every moment of it at the same time I was losing control over my verbal reactions. If I was moaning, I didn't know it and had no ability to modulate the sound or the volume. The pain was so big that it eclipsed everything. There was no numbness coming to take me away from the pain. There also wasn't any comfort because he wasn't cradling me in his arms as he spanked me.

I tried to crawl away from him (where to? 12 inches over the side of the bed?), but he held my hips in place. He continued to spank me harder and harder until I broke out into a hot sweat with the pain. Suddenly, he slid a finger into my ass as he kept up the spanking.

I was on sensory overload. Either the spanking or the anal penetration alone would have been enough for me to bear, but together? I could barely relax the muscles around my anus and I tried to withstand each spank. He had one finger, then two, deep inside my ass and before I could process this, he put another finger in my pussy. He finger-fucked me rapidly as he continued spanking my ass.

I was wailing desperately like an animal, head down on the bed. I was clutching at the sheets as he pulled me closer to him, driving his fingers deeper into me. My face was wet - was it with sweat or was I crying? - and my hair was in my face. There were no thoughts, just a rush of pain and noise inside my head. Somewhere, a woman was pleading for something to stop, she was moaning in ecstasy. Was that me?

The next thing I knew, he had pulled me close to him. I was laying on my stomach, sobbing into my hands as he held me tight with one arm. "Look at me," he demanded firmly. I looked up at him through my hair, my body racked with sobs and tears running down my face.


I shook my head in disbelief. I couldn't form words and even if I could, I wouldn't know what to say. He spanked me a few times, harder than he had before, while looking searchingly at my face, trying to gauge my reaction. By that point, I fear that my face was a blank. I remained still as each blow landed.

"You really love this pain, don't you Kitten?"

I nodded. "I need it," I whispered hoarsely.

"Tell me again. What do you need?"

"I need the pain," I mumbled as I crumpled into tears. I sobbed into his shoulder, wondering how I got to this place. "What's wrong with me?," I wept. I hid my face from him.

"Nothing is wrong with you, Kitten. You just need this."

I took several deep breaths and looked up into his eyes. "But why? Why am I like this?"

"Kitten, don't worry. You're just made this way. It's okay." He stroked my face, his eyes warm and glowing. "You're perfect for me, Kitten. You were made for me."

Text, Part II

Him: Maybe you need a good orgasm before you go to class tomorrow?
kitten: Yes please!
Him: And if you beg really well...a good spanking this weekend too
kitten: I have to beg for it?
Him: Yes, or perhaps...
kitten: Perhaps?
Him: Just throw you over my knee and make you take it without saying a word
Him: Perhaps. I don't want you knowing what to expect :)
Him: Just know that when i want it - i'll take it
Him: Understand?
kitten: yes sir
Him: Good. That's what I want to hear.


He texted me about 10 minutes before he was due to arrive and ordered me to touch my pussy, but not to come. I was rushing around, getting ready and straightening up, so I didn't do it. Before I knew it, he was walking through the door.

"Did you do what you were supposed to do?, he asked as he took some things out of his bag in the bedroom. I lingered in the doorway, uncertain of whether I should enter the room or back away from him in the interest of self-preservation.

"No, I was busy," I mumbled as I continued to dither in the doorway.

"You got busy and you didn't find time to do what I ordered," he stated. I nodded, wondering if he would be mad. I wondered if he knew that I intentionally didn't follow his order because I didn't feel like it.

"Okay, I'll let it go this one time because you were so good for me last night. But when I tell you to touch your pussy, I expect you to drop whatever you're doing and touch it, no matter how busy you are. Understand?" His voice was calm and there was no rage in his eyes. I relaxed. He wasn't going to punish me.

"And what if I don't?," I carelessly sassed.

His hand flew to my throat. "Then I'll tie you up and fuck you all day, but I won't let you come."

I knew that he would follow through on this threat, but for some reason I continued to be bratty toward him. Later, as we were getting ready for dinner, I made a comment that I knew would make him jealous. It was disrespectful and I don't know why I said it when I knew it would anger him.

"I should give you your spanking right now, just for that," he glowered, his mouth set in a straight line. "Although I think you'd like that, wouldn't you?" I stood in front of him and stared at him defiantly, silently daring him to do it. He stared down at me and pushed me backwards onto the bed. When I laid there with my legs closed, he slapped my thighs and ordered me to open them.

He put my legs up on his shoulders and entered me in one quick stroke. He pinned my arms down to the bed at my sides and leaned into me, folding me onto myself with my legs high above my head. I could feel him deep inside me as he started thrusting.

"What are you going to do about this now, you little brat?," he spat.

"I could say no," I said with insubordination in my voice. Really, what did I think I was doing? Why couldn't I just submit to him?

"But you're not going to do that, are you?" I shook my head no. "You know I'll just give it to you harder?" He started to slam into me and all I could do was wail a feeble yes as he put his whole weight onto me.

After what seemed like an eternity, he climbed off of me. I laid still on the bed where he had left me, my head hanging over the edge. He came around the bed and stood above me. He pushed his cock into my mouth from above. It pushed against the back of my throat and cut off my airway. The angle even kept me from breathing through my nose. After a couple of seconds, I started to choke but he didn't let up. I thrashed beneath him and he held my arms down so I couldn't claw at him. After another couple of seconds, he let me go.

"Did I hear you say 'more'?," he tauted me and, before I could say no, he was deep in my throat again. I pushed against him, struggling with my whole body before he let me go.

"Let's try this one more time."

As he moved over me, my defiance broke. "No, no more, please no more," I pleaded. He ignored me and pushed deep in my throat again. He covered my entire face and I completely panicked below him, struggling and moaning into him. After one last deep push down my throat, he let up.

He laid back on the bed and motioned for me to kneel between his legs. He held his cock out to me and I began sucking it slowly. He smoothed down my hair and let me catch my breath.

I paused. "I'm sorry," I said quietly, looking down.

"What are you sorry for, Kitten?"

I shrugged, unable to articulate anything at the moment because I was so shaken. He put his hand under my chin to force me to look him in the eyes. "Let me ask you - what do you feel when I do that to you? There's no wrong answer."

I hesitated. "It depends," I answered.

"Depends on what?"

"On how I'm feeling. Sometimes I'm calm."

"And the other times?"

"I hate it." I hate you, I was thinking. I hate that you beat me down and humiliate me.

"Even when you hate it, do you want me to stop?"


"Why not?"

"Because if you stopped because I couldn't take any more, I'd be disappointed in myself."

"It's not always easy, is it?" I shook my head. "Sometimes it's easy and you feel like you can take everything I give you. Other times, it's hard and you're so overwhelmed. You're not sure if you can take it. But that is the way it is supposed to be. What if it was always easy?"

"It wouldn't be worth it."

"That's right. Your submission won't always be easy, but that's what makes it so valuable to me. I challenge you because I know that you need it and I know that you want to work through this with me. If this was always easy, you'd always feel like something was missing. You'd seek more dominance and more pain.

"I'm training you to take more for me and that means sometimes it will be difficult. But I know it will be so worthwhile for you. I want you to know that I am so proud of how far you've come. You're such a good girl for me and I'm so proud of everything that you've learned. When you went into the bathroom and did what you did for me, you were such a good girl. You've come so far. I don't ever want you to be disappointed in yourself. You always try so hard, even when it's too much to take. And that is what I crave from you - that you'll give me everything."

I was nodding at all of this, fighting back tears and occasionally trying to look away. But he held my face and looked me right in the eyes. There was no escaping his intensity or his stare. My insubordination was gone. I was compliant and safe within my submission. I didn't resent him or begrudge him anything he wanted to take at that point.

"Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. Now I want you to make me come in your mouth."


Him: Mm i've got such fun ideas for a new toy for you
kitten: Oh yeah?
Him: Yes. I already know one thing i am getting you
kitten: Please tell me!
Him: No. You have to wait like a good girl
kitten: Please?
Him: Trust me it will be worth the wait.
kitten: *pouts*
Him: Patience
Him: In the meantime i want you to cum for me when you get home tonight
Him: Got it? Right to your bed. Panties off and then call me
kitten: Yes sir.
Him: Good. I want you to taste your pussy on your fingers while I listen


After He put the wrist restraints on me, binding my arms behind my back, he put me down on my knees beside the bed. I had been unfocused and stressed about several things that day, so he held my face and talked to me before he even started touching my body.

"Kitten, what are you going to focus on right now?," he asked slowly.

"You," I breathed as I looked up at him.

"That's right. Just focus on me, on pleasing me, just focus on my cock," he lectured as he angled my head down toward his cock. He held my face a couple of inches from his cock and forced me to look right at it. "Tell me what you're focusing on."

"Your cock."

"Good girl," he said and brought my face back up to look at him. "You're going to take a lot for me tonight, aren't you?"

I nodded. My breathing was already slowing. The initial panic and helplessness that I felt when he locked my arms behind my back was ebbing away. I felt myself sinking into a place of deep calm. I looked steadily into his eyes. I didn't blink.

He pulled me up over his lap where I flailed for a minute until I caught my balance. He lifted my red nightie up over my ass and pulled the matching thong panties down. He began hitting my ass hard with his hand. He spanked one ass cheek and then the other, alternating sides and pausing to see if I would react or try to avoid the blows. He even faked like he was going to spank my right ass cheek, only to pull his hand back right before impact, but I didn't flinch. I just stretched out over his lap and waited with my head down against the mattress.

He pushed me back down to my knees on the floor and felt between my legs. I was extremely wet from the spanking. He smeared his wet fingers over my lips and pushed his fingers into my mouth. I sucked my juices off of them while I looked up into his eyes. I was waiting.

He suddenly pulled me to my feet and slapped my face before pushing me onto my back on the bed. I squirmed for a minute because my arms were uncomfortable. "Lie still," he seethed and I immediately stopped moving. He picked up my wet panties and put them into my mouth

"Open your legs," he commanded and smacked my thigh for emphasis. I opened them as he knelt over me. He stroked my hair with one hand and then suddenly smacked my exposed pussy with the other. I gasped with the sting and instinctively pulled my legs closed. "Open, now," he ordered. I obeyed, thinking he would touch me nicely, maybe let me come? But no, he smacked my pussy harder this time and before I could close my legs, he smacked it again.

"You're my bound-up little slut tonight, aren't you? Totally at my mercy?," he asked. He wasn't waiting for my response. He smacked my pussy again twice, the blows coming in quick succession. "Relax, Kitten. I won't hit your little pussy again. Open," he said as he pried my legs open. I relaxed, breathed.

Then he hit my pussy again. "Okay, maybe once more," he chuckled to himself.

He took the panties out of my mouth and knelt over my face, pushing his cock deep down my throat. "Look at you, you are totally helpless. You can't even move if I choke you, can you?," he taunted and pushed deeper down my throat. But I was calm. I wasn't choking. I was looking up at him. His cock was pushing on the back of my throat and I was breathing steadily. I couldn't move if I wanted to. If I needed to get out from under him, I wouldn't be able to do it. But I didn't want to move or get away. I wanted to be right there, with his weight pushing down on me, with his cock deep in my mouth.

He laid down next to me, brushing my hair out of my face. "You're right here with me, aren't you?," he asked, holding my face. "What are you feeling right now?"

I didn't even have to think or hesitate. "Owned," I said.

"What does being owned feel like, Kitten?"

"Safe, controlled." I was somewhere else, somewhere where I could only feel his touch and could only see his eyes. The bedroom was floating in the middle of space. Nothing existed outside the four walls, not time, not anything.

He could see it in my eyes. He shook his head in wonder, as if he couldn't believe the place we had reached together. He climbed in between my legs and slid deep into me. He fucked me hard with my legs around his waist, pounding deep into me but keeping his eyes on mine the entire time.

"I love you," he moaned desperately as he came and the tears started running down my face.

"I love you," I whispered, feeling him slide his arms under my body, taking some of the pressure off of my sore shoulders. He lifted me up to a sitting position and unbuckled the cuffs. He held me close to his chest, rocking me slowly. I laid my head on his shoulder. "Good girl," he whispered over and over again. "My good girl..."


He and I watched a DVD the other night - James Mangold's remake of 3:10 to Yuma. Early in the film, Russell Crowe's character approaches a woman, a barmaid, who is turned away from him and fussing with something behind the bar. He focuses in on her from across the room and saunters up to her in almost a predatory manner. When he has crossed the room, he stands close behind her and speaks into her ear. He puts his hand against the back of her neck and you can see her breath quicken. When he turns her around, she looks up at him with wide eyes and he devours her in a passionate kiss, holding her by the neck the entire time.

"Wow," I whispered under my breath at the end of the scene.

"You liked that, didn't you Kitten?," he chuckled as he watched me out of the corner of his eye.

"Yes. I don't even think Russell Crowe is that attractive, but did you see the way he talked to her? And the way she looked at him?"

"I did. I think she liked it as much as you did." He was getting that hungry look in his eyes and I could see him shifting toward me on the couch.

"Well, maybe she and I are the same type of girl," I smirked.

And in the next scene, the same woman is laying naked on her side on the bed as a fully dressed Russell Crowe sketches her from a chair across the room. He gets up and kneels over her on the bed. She rolls onto her back, tilting her head back as he leans over her to kiss her.

"Yes, I'd say you two are exactly the same type of girl," he said as he moved slowly toward me, pinning me underneath him on the couch.

Or maybe I just see my submission reflected everywhere?


He bent me over the back of the couch and slid his cock deep into my pussy. He pressed against me insistently, grinding his hips against my ass. After a few thrusts, I started to feel a nagging pressure in my stomach. I know that his cock is sometimes physically more than I can take, but I knew that wasn't the only issue. Really, the problem was that I had to pee.

(Deep breath. I cannot believe that I am writing about this.)

I asked him if I could have a minute to go to the bathroom and told him why.

"Do you want me to come in with you?," he asked in his most gentle voice.

"No," I said immediately, but he waited. I stood perfectly still for a minute, thinking. We had talked about this. I knew what he wanted me to do. I knew that he would get his way sooner or later. "I don't know," I mumbled after a minute.

"Okay, Kitten, come with me," he decided. Before I realized that he had made up my mind for me, he was gently leading me by my hair down the hallway. I paused at the door of the bathroom and he softly tapped my ass so that I would go in before him.

"Are you too shy to turn on the light?," he whispered to me in the dark bathroom. I nodded and looked up at him as he stroked my face and hair. I thought about backing out of the bathroom but then he smiled down at me. I sat down on the toilet instead. My face grew hot with shame immediately. I thought I knew humiliation before, but I was wrong. He put a few inches of his cock into my mouth. I started sucking on it slowly, focusing most of my attention on trying to pee.

I was very tense, and he reached down to massage my shoulder when he heard me take a deep breath. He slid his cock out of my mouth and knelt on the floor of the bathroom next to me. He put his arms around me, rocking me back and forth. I was whimpering that I really wanted to do this for him but that my body just wasn't cooperating. For a time, I sat very still with my head on his shoulder while he rubbed my back slowly, up and down. I never felt more like a little child, vulnerable and small, and he was never more gentle and patient with me.

I didn't understand why this was so hard for me. I felt like I had to pee and I wanted to do this for him so badly. But there was some psychological block that I just couldn't let down. I started worrying about all sorts of ridiculous things, like would going to the bathroom become strangely sexualized for me now? Would I lose the ability to control my bladder the way that I can no longer control my arousal when I'm around him? As I sat there, I felt like a child being potty trained, but I had already been potty trained as a child. Was this some sort of twisted sexual un-training? I started to breathe faster and become upset.

"I'm going to stand outside the door so you can relax, okay Kitten?"

"No, please, I can do it, please stay!," I pleaded. "Please don't leave, I know I can do it!"

"I'll be right outside the door, I won't be far, baby."

I cried softly to myself as I continued to sit there. I felt so alone and I wished that he was still holding me. I called out his name to make sure that he was still there. He was there, he was just waiting quietly. Finally, I was able to let go and pee a little bit. He came in a few seconds later and (again, I thought I knew humiliation until this moment) patted me dry with a few pieces of toilet paper.

He led me by the hand into the bedroom, where I laid in the crook of his arm with my head on his shoulder. I was bitterly disappointed in myself.

"Kitten, you are such a good girl. You were so good for me," he sighed.

"I wasn't good. I couldn't do it. I let you down."

"No, you didn't let me down," he said, cupping my chin in his hand so that he could look me right in the eye. "I'm so proud of how willing you were. That is so difficult and you'll learn. What I wanted to see is that you wanted to please me."

"I did. More than anything."

"Good, Kitten. I could tell. Plus, when I'm disappointed in you, you'll know it," he laughed devilishly before pulling me to his chest.


He doesn't usually call me nasty names, although I do like it. There's nothing like being called a slut to get me going. I've tried to work through exactly why that name turns me on but it's still pretty murky. I'm sure that it has something to do with the appearance of propriety that was so strongly drilled into me as a child and the secret wantonness that I knew lurked beneath the surface. And although He usually likes me meek and pliant, he sometimes uses that epitaph to bring out a whole other side of me.

He was reclined on the bed and I was crouched between his legs with his cock in my mouth. He had just carried me there from the living room, where I had been kneeling in front of him. He knew that I was already very aroused. I had told him that the wetness from my pussy was running down my legs while I was kneeling.

"Is your pussy still very wet for me, Kitten? Feel it for me," he coaxed. I slid my left hand down between my legs and felt how wet I still was. "Are you my little slut tonight? Show me what a little slut does." I paused for a second, unsure about how to proceed. He wasn't giving me a direct order. He was challenging me to be creative. I didn't want to make a misstep here. After a moment, I took my mouth off his cock and smeared my wet fingers all over the head so he could feel how wet I was. Then I slid my tongue over the head and tasted myself on him.

"Take my cock deeper. Is that the best you can do?," he dared me. "Is that as dirty as you can be, slut? I want to see how kinky you are." Oh my god, what did he want me to do? I sucked on his cock harder, with more intensity, but he persisted. "Is that the best you can do?"

I whimpered in protest. Then I realized what I could do. I touched my pussy with my right index finger to make it slippery wet, then I slowly moved it toward his ass. I fingered his asshole for a moment, waiting to hear his reaction. When he moaned, I slid my finger in slowly.

"Oh, you are a dirty little slut. Are you my dirty slut?," he gasped with his head thrown back. I nodded with his cock in my mouth, working it with my tongue as I wiggled my finger inside of him. I pushed it in as far as it would go and then pulled it almost all of the way out, making him cry out in pleasure.

"Is that how it feels with my finger in your ass?," he asked once he caught his breath. "What about the beads?," he asked when I nodded. "What about them?," I asked after a moment. "Be a good little slut and show me what they feel like."

I retrieved them quickly, along with the lube. I paused with the first bead right by his asshole. "Are you sure?," I wondered, unsure if this was a trick. "Yes, I'm sure. Now be a good little slut for me." I slid the beads in one by one, pushing each bead in deep to make room for the next one. He writhed on the bed as I licked his balls in between sliding the beads into him.

When the beads were in place, I crept up his body and kissed him deeply on the mouth. " good little slut...," he moaned and sighed as I straddled him, positioning his cock between my legs. "Yes, be my little whore and fuck me, now," he pleaded. I smiled to myself and lowered my hips onto him.

I started riding him slowly, listening to him groan beneath me. I reached behind me and tugged softly on the string. He squirmed in anticipation and discomfort. I know the feeling well - he tortures me by pulling on the string of the beads all the time.

"Come on my cock, Kitten. I want to feel your pussy drip all over me." I rode him harder, faster, feeling the orgasm building in me. He was below me, but I think his mind was somewhere else. He was lost in the intensity of the feeling. He had his head thrown back and he was moaning my name over and over.

I was ready to lose it and come all over him. I looked down and saw myself riding him, my breasts rising and falling in time with my thrusts. I felt powerful beyond belief - not the kind of power that comes with control like he has over me, but power that comes with intense knowledge of one's own sexuality. I had done this to him with my mouth and my fingers and my hips. I had brought him to this amazing place of overwhelming pleasure with my eyes and my skin and my tongue.

I started to come, the orgasm rolling through my body like an unstoppable force. As the waves washed over me and I arched my back, I started pulling out the beads. He made a primal animal noise to match my own and, as the last beads fell free from his body, I asked him with a smirk, "Who's your little slut now?"


Recently, I caught some static from a friend who knows some of the details about my relationship with Him. I was very upset by the hurtful things that my friend said about the dynamic between Him and I, particularly the way in which my friend insinuated that I was a weak or sick person for wanting this type of relationship.

I wrote a long, angry post about my feelings and have been staring at the post for days. It was a perfectly reasonable explanation of the relationship that I share with Him, especially the significant non-D/s aspects of our relationship. But now I think that to post what I originally wrote would be giving in to criticism and negativity. That doesn't seem right when this relationship has brought me nothing but happiness and peace.

So instead, I'd like to spread some positivity. THANK YOU to all those who have read, commented and e-mailed. Your support and kind words have strengthened me and your guidance continues to bring me to a place of higher understanding in my submission and in my life in general. I value reading your blogs and experiencing your adventures. And most of all, I hope that you stick with me for the adventures that lay up ahead.



"Where is your hand right now?"

"On my pussy," I whispered into the phone.

"Keep touching it. Are you close?"

"Yes," I panted.

"How close?"

"Very close. May I come, please?," I begged.

"No, stop touching it right now."

I whined and reluctantly pulled my hand away. I was silent for a moment.

"Where is your hand right now?"

"A few inches above my pussy."

"Good. You can start touching it again, slowly. Tell me when you get close."

I lowered my hand and started rubbing my clit in slow circles. My breathing quickened and I felt the pressure building. "I'm close, oh god, I'm so close..."

"Stop. Right now."

"Oooh, no...," I whined in desperation.

"Did I heard you say no?"

"No, I didn't say that. I just want to come so badly." I writhed around the bed a little even though he wasn't there to see me.

"Let's try this one more time. Touch your pussy now."

I rubbed furiously, so close that I thought I would explode at any minute. "Can I come now please? Please?"

"Yes, you can come. You beg so well like a good girl, so you can come. Come for me right now."

And I did. He had forced me to let it build and build. That restriction, momentary as it was, made me come even harder for him.

Passenger Seat

He drove me home after a late dinner and pulled up in front of my apartment. He parked in front of a driveway because he wasn't going to come in. I had to get to sleep for an early day at work the next day. He kissed me goodnight, but I lingered. I didn't want to get out of the car and go to bed all by myself. I was still recovering from my punishment earlier in the week and was feeling a bit clingy. I knew he felt it too because he continued to hold me tight to his chest and whisper that he didn't want to let me go.

We kissed goodnight again and again, our kisses becoming longer and deeper. I nibbled on his bottom lip and he moaned softly in response. I realized that I had woken the beast. He reached down and unbuttoned my jeans. He slid his hand into my panties and sighed dramatically when he discovered how wet his kisses had made me. He pulled my jeans down my hips just a few inches and put his hand back into my panties. I looked straight ahead and tried to relax into the feeling of his fingers on my pussy.

He pulled his hand out of my panties and put his fingers up to my face. I opened my mouth to suck on his fingers like he trained me to do, but instead he smeared my wetness all over my lips and cheeks. He stared deep into my eyes and wound his right hand into my hair.

"Do you want to get fucked right now?," he asked quietly. (He always asks what I want because he loves to hear how hungry I am for him. But whether he gives me what I want is a whole other story.) I nodded, wondering if he was going to take me inside or make me fuck him in the back seat of the car.

"Hmm...," he murmured and I could see the wheels turning. He was considering what to do with me. He slowly pushed my head down onto his lap, where I kissed the crotch of his jeans. I could feel his cock hard underneath the fabric. I let him push my head up and down, foolishly thinking that if I showed him how willing I was to mime the act that he wouldn't make me suck his cock right then and there.

He pulled my head up and stared at me again. I looked up at him, hopeful that he would tell me that I was a good girl and send me inside. Instead, he pushed me back against the passenger seat and roughly groped my breasts. With his right hand still holding my hair, he unbuttoned his jeans and pulled out his cock. He angled my head down toward it.

"Be a good girl now," he cooed as I pulled against him. I didn't want to resist him. I couldn't say no without displeasing him, but at that moment I didn't want do this with him in the car. He had already pushed me so far that week. I didn't think I could take any more.

"Kitten. Now," he said sternly. I looked around at the empty street and acquiesced. Maybe he would just make me put my mouth on it briefly. Surely, he wouldn't make me suck his cock until he came. Not in the front seat of the car. Right?

I leaned over and took him in my mouth. I strained my neck to the street to see if anyone would see me. My head was below the driver's side window, but someone walking by on the sidewalk would see me leaning over with my pants partway down. I was especially afraid of being approached by a police officer since we were illegally parked. If an officer walked up to the car, there is no doubt that I would be exposed.

As I sucked him, he pushed down on my head. "Don't look up, just look at my cock. I see you looking out. Stop that. I'll keep an eye out," he said in a voice that I didn't find reassuring. He's a boundary-pusher and I wasn't sure that he'd be as cautious as I wanted him to be.

He pushed his hips up so I could take him deeper in my mouth, but that just brought my head up to where I would be even more visible. I whimpered in fear and he just pushed my head down again. He was getting closer to coming, but I could tell that he was holding back, prolonging my discomfort. I just wanted to stop and I whined briefly about how I was uncomfortable. He ignored my plaintive noises and held my face in position, moving my head up and down his cock. He was close now. I could tell by his breathing and the way he was moaning my name. I was worried that the noise he was making would attract attention and I continued to attempt to scan the street for observers. At the last moment, he pushed my head down hard. "Take every drop of my cum. Don't miss one drop," he exclaimed as he came down my throat.

I sat up quickly, brushing the saliva from my cheek. I was shaking as I pulled up my pants and buttoned them. He pulled me against his shoulder and smoothed down my hair. "You are such a good girl. You did such a good job for me," he sighed. He was proud of me. Why didn't I feel better about that? This had been a fantasy of mine - it was supposed to be fun. But I was too worried. I had been braver in my own mind than I was in real life.

I went into the apartment alone and sat in the dark. It was late but I wasn't tired anymore. I finally fell into a fitful sleep on the couch and dreamt about Him. He had me on a leash and was leading me though a series of rooms, each room darker than the one before. The rooms were endless. He pulled me through the inky darkness. I followed him, afraid of where he was taking me. I couldn't see anything up ahead.


I hate having sex while on my period. I'll take a quick fuck toward the end, but otherwise I'm too squeamish over the sight of my own blood. There's nothing worse than riding him with wild abandon, climaxing, and then looking down to discover that he is covered in blood. Horrifying.

He isn't uncomfortable with my period at all. He talks about it like it's the weather, all, "Oh, how is it today?" while I'd prefer to never mention it again. I can't even tell him that my period has started in a direct manner. With all of the guys out there who are disgusted by this particular function of women's bodies, I get the one who doesn't care. Unfortunately, I found out recently exactly how much he doesn't care.

He woke me up with his hands all over me. He was hard already and pressing against me. He slid down my body and started tugging my panties from my hips.

"No...I...," I stammered. I couldn't get the words out. Usually I'm a very well-spoken person, but his power over me steals all of my words.

"I know, Kitten. Now lift your hips," and he pulled my panties off of me. I kept me legs closed tightly together, but he just put his hand between my knees and pushed them apart. He was laying with his face about 12 inches from my pussy, getting that close-up view of me that he loves.

"Is this what you didn't want me to see? The string?," he said slowly in his most patronizing voice. Then he tugged softly on the string. I closed my eyes tightly and put my hands in front of my face. I was mortified. I nodded and whimpered.

"I see the string of your tampon. Does that make you nervous that I'm pulling on it like this?" I nodded some more, clutching my hands to my face in hopes of making this all go away.

"Touch your pussy for me, Kitten," he moaned as he bit into the sensitive flesh of my inner thighs. I cried out in pain as he continued biting me. I reluctantly removed my right hand from my face and started slowly rubbing my clit.

"Look how wet your little pussy is. Are you embarassed? Does that make you wet?" I started moaning, partly from embarrassment and mostly from the pressure of my fingers on my clit. He started pulling on the string again, making me squirm and I turned my face away from him. "Look at that, you're getting even wetter. I can see your pussy dripping." I kept rubbing my clit until I came hard with shuddering gasps.

"I think you want to get fucked right now, don't you?" He was right. I did want him inside me, if only to stop him from torturing me with my tampon, but mostly because I needed to obey him. I didn't care if there was blood as long as he thought I was a good girl for him.

He told me to go take my tampon out and I was momentarily relieved when it seemed like he was going to let me go to the bathroom to do it. But I was flabbergasted when he followed me into the bathroom and held me by the hair, urging me to take it out while he was standing there. I closed my eyes and removed it, trying not to look at it or him. I was certain that I was about to melt into the floor from shame.

After I washed my hands, he brought me back over to be the bed and bent me forward at the waist. I tried to keep my hands flat on the bed as he fucked me from behind. He came hard inside me, pushing me down onto the bed underneath him.

"Are you my shy little girl?"


"I love that you're shy for me. And I love how wet it makes you."

I smiled underneath him, feeling his cum seeping out between my pussy lips.

Punishment, Part II

I roll up the sleeve of my shirt to look at the bite marks and bruises that He left on my arm. I look at them several times a day. I remind myself of that night over and over again. Ever since that night, nothing has been the same. Everything is new now, everything has changed.


He held me after and told me that he loved me. All traces of his anger were gone. We spoke briefly about the blog and he encouraged me to continue writing. He didn't demand to see it right away. I think he sensed that it was my personal thing and that it should flourish under my sole discretion for a time before he read it or decided to contribute.

I stopped crying but I couldn't relax right away. I was in my very most submissive place but there was no release for me. I was tense as he held me to his side, marveling how hard he had come. I could still feel his hands around my neck and couldn't seem to get out of the intensity of that moment.

I spent a few days after questioning my submission, about my illusions of how much I had given myself to him before that night. I see now that I was fooling myself by thinking that I had relinquished control. I thought that I was submitting but I still kept veto power over a great number of things. One example that is glaringly obvious to me now is how I was controlling my anal training - stopping when I experienced discomfort and denying him his right to fuck my ass until he was satisfied. I have been controlling the ball in that situation and maybe he has let me, but that night taught me that in the end I am truly and completely under his control. He exercised his power over me in such a sudden and violent way that I was forced to stop my feeble efforts to direct things between us. And in the process, I broke through levels of my submission that I didn't even know were there. He broke down a whole mental block that I didn't even know that I had put up, leaving me raw and vulnerable.

I had been playing at something and playtime was over. But I'm so grateful for having that experience with him because I never knew how free I would feel with his foot on the back of my neck.


Before we fell asleep that night, he asked if I thought I needed a safe word. We had never discussed that before, but I think he realized how rough he had been, how terrified I was, and how intense things were like never before. But I immediately told him no. My submission was so deep at that moment that I didn't want a safe word to rescue me. I wanted to put myself completely in his hands and I trusted him to protect me.

Trust: that word seems so small to describe something so big in me, so important between us. That night I began to see my trust in him with new eyes. It is as deep and vast as the dark ocean at night. It is the deepest breath I can take as his hand closes over my mouth.


"What if I told you that I have been writing a blog about us?," I asked shyly as I lay next to him.

"Have you been?," he asked evenly. "For how long?"

"Maybe...for a couple of weeks," I admitted. He took my hand and put it on his cock, which was growing harder. I thought he was trying to tell me that the writing turned him on.

"Do you write about how much you love this cock?," he inquired.


"About how much you love to suck it, how hungry you are for it?" He pushed my head down on it and I nodded yes.

"About how I give you exactly what you need?" I nodded and moaned onto his cock. He gathered my long hair into his hands to direct my head up and down his shaft. Suddenly, he yanked my head up by the hair so he could look me in the eyes. He slapped me hard across the face.

"Why didn't you tell me you were doing that?," he yelled, smacking me again and again before I could respond. "Why didn't you tell me?" He shook me and I stammered, "I don't know."

He pushed my head down violently on his cock and held me there until I gagged, then he pulled my head back up by the hair so he could look me in the eyes.

"You don't keep secrets from me, do you understand that?," he demanded, shaking my head by his grip on my hair.

"Yes," I wailed. I was miserable. I had disappointed him and now he was angry. I started sobbing.

"You should have told me," and he smacked me again. I was sobbing, trying to look away, but he held my head in place. "You should have told me." He watched me, let me sob pathetically. All I could do was say "I'm sorry" over and over again. But I don't think he cared if I was sorry, or if I had an explanation.

"Once you stop crying, put my cock back in your mouth." I calmed down and he pushed my head back down.

After a moment, he dragged me by my hair to the place on the bed next to him. He leaned over me and put his hand on my neck, holding my face up so that I could only see him out of the corner of my eye. He put his face right up to the side of my mine and growled in my ear, "You don't keep secrets from me, Kitten. I guess you haven't learned that lesson yet, have you?" He tightened his grip on my neck so I couldn't respond or nod my head. He wasn't waiting for me to answer him, anyway. He was telling me and I would have to learn.

"I think you forgot your place, didn't you? I think I have to train you to be a better girl for me." Harder, he choked me so that I was bucking underneath his hand, trying to breathe. He was getting angrier and angrier. There was no placating him, I just had to take what he was giving me as punishment. All my apologies were worthless. I just had to wait for it to be over.

My upper body was up off the bed as I tried to get out from under his grip and he twisted his hand to keep his hold on me. "Don't you forget who owns you. Don't you EVER forget that I own you." He bit me hard on my upper arm again and again, then finally threw me down.

He knelt over me, pinning me down, and stroked his cock fast. "You're mine, Kitten. Don't you ever forget that." I started sobbing again, overwhelmed by his anger and his power. I felt like a stupid child for disobeying him. As the tears coursed down my cheeks, he came. He came all over my chest and my stomach. I arched my back to feel his cum wash over me, wash away all that I had done wrong.


"Be a good girl and go get your beads, then come right back here."

I quickly went over to the bedside table to get the small anal beads from the top drawer and climbed back to the place next to him on the bed.

"Good girl," he cooed as he took the beads from me. He loves it when I'm responsive. Once he told me to look at him and I snapped my head up suddenly - he loved that.

He laid down and pulled me over him so that he could lick my clit while I took him in my mouth. He slowly circled his tongue over my clit, making me squirm and moan onto his cock. After a minute, I felt him touching the first bead to my asshole.

"Tell me what you want," he ordered quietly. When I hesitated, he smacked me hard on the ass and said louder, "Tell me!"

"I want the beads in my ass," I gasped.

"You want the beads, all of them?" he asked, toying with me.

"Yes, please, please, I want the beads."

"Please? Are you begging me, Kitten?"

"Yes, oh please, put them in, please." I was breathless.

"I don't think I told you to stop sucking my cock." As I took him back into my mouth, I felt him slide the first bead in. I moaned as he pushed it in, moaned harder as he used his finger to push it deeper into my ass.

"You take these beads so good into your little asshole, don't you?" I kept moaning as he slid the next one in, and the next. "I think you might be ready for a bigger set. What do you think, Kitten?"

I moaned, keeping his cock in my mouth, excited and terrified of the larger beads.

"Yeah, I think you'd like that. I think you want the largest set." He tugged on the string dangling out of my asshole, making me whimper and squirm. His voice, previously gentle and teasing, suddenly turned gruff. "Get up on all fours, now."

He slammed into me from behind, hard. I cried out. I could feel his cock tight in my pussy, rubbing against the beads in my ass. I knew he could feel the beads too from the way he was moaning. He pushed my shoulders down toward the mattress and fucked me harder. He tugged on the string, waiting for me to come.

"Touch your little clit for me," he moaned and I did. I came hard, screaming face-down into the mattress. And just as I came, he pulled hard on the string, tearing the beads from my ass in one quick movement.

I laid flat on my stomach, breathing heavily. He stroked my hair, telling me that I was such a good girl for him, that the beads looked so hot coming out of my ass.

"You took so much for me, you're such a good girl for me," he soothed as he pulled me over him. He brought my face up to his so he could look me in the eye. "I think you can take more, can't you?"

I nodded groggily, not sure what more I could take but knowing that I didn't have much of a choice.

"I should make you take more for me. I should fuck your ass right now. Is that what you want?," he coaxed.

I didn't know what the correct answer was to his question because, at some point, I knew that the answer didn't matter. I was having trouble focusing on how best to respond. He smacked my face and repeated his question. "Do you want me to fuck your ass right now?" I mumbled that I didn't know. I was so confused. Was he just threatening me? Did he want me to say yes or did he want me to say no so that he could force me to do it anyway?

"I think I'm going to fuck your ass," he mused. "Ask me for it."

I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut. "Please fuck my ass," I mumbled reluctantly.

"Louder, and open your eyes and look at me," he demanded.

"Please fuck my ass," I said in a clear voice that surprised me. I was getting wetter and rubbed my pussy against his leg. He ground his hips up against me, feeling how turned on I was getting.

"Please? Are you begging me to fuck your ass?"

"Yes, please fuck it," I begged, burying my head in his chest. "Please, please, I want it." I did. I needed it so badly at that moment.

"You're such a good little girl. You beg so well, Kitten." He was smiling at his accomplishment. "Now, get up on your hands and knees and take my cock in your ass."

His only

I was an anal virgin when I met Him. I wasn't a meek girl in my previous life, not in the least, but I had never had anal sex, not even with a long-term boyfriend. I always wanted to in theory, but every time there was a cock pressing at my asshole, I chickened out.

I thought I should have had anal sex by my age. It seemed like everyone and their mother had taken it up the ass, no problem, and I was the only baby left. So yeah, I lied about it to partners and peers, all the while avoiding the big A.

But there was no obfuscation when it came to Him. I couldn't bluff my way through it with him. He's not a schoolboy and I'm not in charge any more. He's a dominant and anal service is de rigeur, expected. It's part of being a submissive that I want and that I finally had to face up to.

So one night while he was talking dirty in my ear, I buried my face in the pillow and told him that I had never had anal sex. He looked almost pleased with himself because he had elicited such a girlish confession from me. He loved the idea that no one had been in my ass before, that I had been saving it for him. That seemed so odd to me since I had spent the past 10 years trying to overcome my sexual inexperience. Suddenly, my one innocence was of considerable value to Him.

He was gentle with me, but he had a plan. He was going to train me, teach me to take him little by little. He'd use everything at his disposal to work me up to his cock - first his fingers, then beads, a plug - until I could learn to love every inch of him in my ass.

The first time, I was curled up with him after coming again and again. He was stretched out behind me, kissing my neck and running his hands over my hips. I coyly scooted back into his crotch and felt his surprising hardness against the softness of my buttocks. I heard a small intake of breath and he paused.

His hands were busy for a moment while he turned away from me, but when he turned back and pressed against me, I could feel that his cock was slick with lube. As he pushed against my asshole, he whispered, "Just the head, Kitten," as if to speak at full volume would break the spell and, with it, my resolve. He pressed firmly, inserting himself only a few inches before pausing to listen to my shallow breaths.

The rest he left up to me.

"Kitten, push back when you're ready," he cooed softly into my ear through my hair. And as he kissed and nibbled on the back of my shoulder, that's exactly what I did. I took a deep breath and felt myself open up for him until I was full.

I could only take a few thrusts that first night and I'm still not trained enough for a good ass-pounding. But I'm getting better every time, taking more of him and pushing past the overwhelming intensity to come harder than I thought I could. He has been so patient, but I worry that his patience with me will eventually run out. How long will it be before he doesn't let me stop when it gets to be too much, when he decides when I've had enough? There's a part of me that is frightened...and then there's a darker part of me that wants my time to run out.


Things with Him escalated very quickly once we started. We didn't sit around for weeks making lists of won'ts or talking about limits. He just started taking things from me that I never knew that I wanted to give up. He just did. Anything that I was uncomfortable with became part of my submission - how deep would I go to please him? How far down the rabbit hole?

He was over me, fucking me deep with my legs around his waist, glowering down and me and telling me to take his cock, all of it. Occasionally, he'd roll me onto my side and continue fucking me with one of my legs thrown over his hip, then he'd force me back onto my back. At one point, he rolled me onto my side again and held my face at arm's length, turning it from side to side. He considered it, murmuring, "What a good little slut you are for me, Kitten."

He slid his hand down to my neck. His large hand covered the entire front of my neck from my chin to my collarbone. I felt him tighten his grip as he fucked me harder. His eyes were burning black, burning into me as my eyes widened in fear. Tighter, he held me tighter by the neck and I put my hands up to his, gripping them.

I wasn't choking, exactly - I could still breathe if I could stop freaking out - but the pressure of his hand was scaring me. He could hurt me, really hurt me, so easily. He could kill me. How long had I known him, really? Did anyone know where I was that day in case I went missing? That rage in his eyes - what had I done to make him so angry? How far would he go to punish me? I starting clawing at his hand around my throat, desperate now like a wild animal trying to escape a predator.

And then I realized - trust him. Trust that he can take you to the edge and keep you from falling over. Trust that he has hurt you many times before but always returned you safe to your bed. Trust his eyes that, now I think about it, just look excited, not murderous.

So I let go. My whole body went limp as I relaxed every muscle that had been tensed against him a moment before. And as quickly as I stopped fighting him, his hand loosened against my neck. He smoothed back my hair and kissed me. Could he sense the power of my submission at that moment? That I had put my life in his hands and come out unscathed on the other side. That I trust him to take me anywhere, anywhere.


He and I are very closely bonded, very connected. We operate in sync, in perfect mental and emotional coordination. It is wonderful and special, truly one of the things that I treasure about my relationship with Him. When it's working, it is the most amazing thing that I have ever experienced. But when it's not...well, that's another story.

Recently, we went through such a period. Family events, a flu bug that I caught, a cold that he caught, and a holiday apart all came back to back to back and kept us physically apart. Of course, the physical absence is significant for us. Going a couple of weeks without feeling his hands on my neck or without kneeling in front of him made me feel like I had come completely unmoored. But it was the added mental separation that killed us. We were both feeling lousy and started getting on each other's nerves. Petty jealousies came out and tempers flared. I lost all sense of my place and he didn't have the time or the opportunity to discipline me. My submission was completely gone - it had abandoned me. I knew that his control was missing but I had no way to put it back in place. I'm not extremely needy as submissives go, but this period of alienation was driving me to desperation.

With no end in sight for another few weeks, we were finally able to steal away two hours together. It was an extremely welcome respite from everything else, but it didn't even start to scratch the itch. We clung to each other desperately, knowing that we would have to part soon. He made me come and come, but each time only made me need him more.

During a brief lull, I told him that I had been fantasizing about increasing violent spankings during our time apart. I needed him to lay into me. I asked him to please, please spank me. I needed it to ground me, to connect us during this very brief time together.

He rolled me over and softly ordered me to get across his knee. He patted his lap and stretched me over it. He caressed my ass cheeks slowly, whispering into my hair, "Is this what you need, Kitten? You need me to hurt you, spank you until your ass is all red?"

"Yes," I sighed, feeling safe and settled for the first time in weeks. I couldn't wait to show him how much I could take for him.

After a few slow warm-up spanks, he started to sound different - his voice was louder, deeper. He ordered me onto all fours with that sadistic edge in his voice. He told me to close my eyes while he went off in search of something. He came back and braced his left hand against my neck. I dropped my head and tilted my ass up to his right hand. He paused. I waited.

He brought the leather strap down hard across my right ass cheek and pulled it back quickly - a stinging blow. I gasped, sighed, moaned, sobbed all at once in relief. I was home.

He continued, alternating fast series of small blows with harder, glancing blows interspersed with pregnant pauses. My head was swimming with pain and exhilaration. After a time, all I could feel was his left hand against my neck, resting there softly. The strap kept falling. I was inside the pain, curled up deep within it. The pain was all around me, pressing in at me. I was the pain. I was only pain.

He put his head down on my back. We were both panting, exhausted. He murmured, "Kitten, you are such a good girl. You're my good little girl." He reached back to feel my dripping pussy. The wetness was running down my legs. He pulled me over him and pushed my head down onto his cock. I sucked at it purely by instinct, slowly taking his hard cock deep into my mouth. I was focused on looking up at his face while I sucked on him. He was staring down at me with the most intense look in his eyes.

Just as he came, he reached out his hand to me. I rested my head on his thigh, holding his hand in both of mine. I closed my eyes.
I was on my back on the couch with my bra pushed up over my breasts, naked from the waist down, my legs spread open. He was on his knees in front of me, slowly teasing my clit with his tongue. His eyes were on me the whole time - he watched me writhe and moan my way toward an orgasm. Just before he brought me to a screaming climax, he suddenly stood and grabbed me by the hair.

He pushed me onto my knees on the couch facing the back cushions so that my ass pointed in the air toward him. I felt his hard cock brush against the cheeks of my ass, then rub against my wet pussy.

Then, to my alarm, he was pushing against my asshole with no warm-up, no lube, no preparation. I started stammering and gasping, eventually croaking out several "nos" in succession. He pulled back on my hair with a snap.

"What did I just hear you say?," he rasped in my ear.

"I...I just...I mean, the lube is in the other room..."

He cut off my blubbering. "I will put it wherever. I. Want. Do you understand?"

"...yes," I sobbed into the back of the couch, feeling miserable. He forced his cock into my pussy and tightened his grip on my hair.

"You don't say no to me. I will fuck you wherever and whenever I want. Do you understand?," he growled as he pounded into me.

"Yes," I gasped.

"Do you?" He pulled back harder on my hair until my neck was strained. I grabbed at the back of the couch to anchor myself against his angry thrusts.

"Yes," I whispered as I looked up over my shoulder at him.

"Good," he said with a sigh. I had disappointed him and he was going to punish me. "Now, get up. I am going to cum in your face."