I roll up the sleeve of my shirt to look at the bite marks and bruises that He left on my arm. I look at them several times a day. I remind myself of that night over and over again. Ever since that night, nothing has been the same. Everything is new now, everything has changed.
He held me after and told me that he loved me. All traces of his anger were gone. We spoke briefly about the blog and he encouraged me to continue writing. He didn't demand to see it right away. I think he sensed that it was my personal thing and that it should flourish under my sole discretion for a time before he read it or decided to contribute.
I stopped crying but I couldn't relax right away. I was in my very most submissive place but there was no release for me. I was tense as he held me to his side, marveling how hard he had come. I could still feel his hands around my neck and couldn't seem to get out of the intensity of that moment.
I spent a few days after questioning my submission, about my illusions of how much I had given myself to him before that night. I see now that I was fooling myself by thinking that I had relinquished control. I thought that I was submitting but I still kept veto power over a great number of things. One example that is glaringly obvious to me now is how I was controlling my anal training - stopping when I experienced discomfort and denying him his right to fuck my ass until he was satisfied. I have been controlling the ball in that situation and maybe he has let me, but that night taught me that in the end I am truly and completely under his control. He exercised his power over me in such a sudden and violent way that I was forced to stop my feeble efforts to direct things between us. And in the process, I broke through levels of my submission that I didn't even know were there. He broke down a whole mental block that I didn't even know that I had put up, leaving me raw and vulnerable.
I had been playing at something and playtime was over. But I'm so grateful for having that experience with him because I never knew how free I would feel with his foot on the back of my neck.
Before we fell asleep that night, he asked if I thought I needed a safe word. We had never discussed that before, but I think he realized how rough he had been, how terrified I was, and how intense things were like never before. But I immediately told him no. My submission was so deep at that moment that I didn't want a safe word to rescue me. I wanted to put myself completely in his hands and I trusted him to protect me.
Trust: that word seems so small to describe something so big in me, so important between us. That night I began to see my trust in him with new eyes. It is as deep and vast as the dark ocean at night. It is the deepest breath I can take as his hand closes over my mouth.