The other night, He knelt behind me to watch his come drip out of me. He had just finished taking me roughly from behind and I was shaky on my hands and knees. Once He saw what he wanted - the physical evidence of his ownership - he let me collapse on the bed. After a few minutes, after I caught my breath, I asked to get up to go to the bathroom to clean up.
"Is there more?," He asked.
"Um...," I stalled, knowing that he can't get enough of the sight of his come dripping out of me.
"Get up on your knees," He said in a tone of voice that brooked no argument.
My legs shook as I knelt next to him on the bed. I steadied myself against the wall with one hand. He knocked my knees apart and held his cupped hand under my cunt.
"Push," He said with an evil glint in his eyes. I covered my eyes with my free hand, but I obeyed. After a moment, I looked down to see his hand covered in my wetness and his. He held his hand up to my face and I looked at him warily.
"Lick, now," He whispered. I bent my head down, eyes tightly squeezed shut, and lapped at his palm. I could taste both of us on his hand. He made me clean up every drop.
I never did make it to the bathroom and I didn't get to rest my shaking body. I think my humiliation turned him on so much that he had to have me again, right away. As I sucked his cock, I could still feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment.
Collaring, Part II
I think about the collar all the time. I used to fantasize about all manner of things as I tried to fall asleep, romance and ravishment, the first blush of new love. But I've put all that aside now. That seems so naive and childish, to think of unrealistic fantasies when I have the chance for a lifetime of love and happiness right in front of me.
So instead of dancing off to sleep with dreams in my head, I think of the collar. I can feel myself kneeling naked in front of Him, as naked as I have ever been in my life - exposed but warm in his gaze. He brings out the collar. I can't imagine exactly what it looks like, but its presence fills me with a tremendous sense of joy. There are tears, wonderfully happy tears.
He places it around my neck like a blessing. I have finally deserved it, our connection is finally complete. Everything is washed away. It is a baptism.
He tells me now that the time is close that I hold this tight against my heart. He tells me that I am walking straight along the path like a good girl. He knows that I have been trying so hard to be exactly what I need to be.
He tells me what the collar means, that I will be his Kitten forever. Later there will be a ring, but the collar comes first and, in a way, is more important. It will bind us on another level and in a way that only we will understand. It will be the most special bond we share.
And it all starts the first time he grabs me by that collar. After that, everything will be different. I drift off to sleep, dreaming of those moments just out of my grasp.
So instead of dancing off to sleep with dreams in my head, I think of the collar. I can feel myself kneeling naked in front of Him, as naked as I have ever been in my life - exposed but warm in his gaze. He brings out the collar. I can't imagine exactly what it looks like, but its presence fills me with a tremendous sense of joy. There are tears, wonderfully happy tears.
He places it around my neck like a blessing. I have finally deserved it, our connection is finally complete. Everything is washed away. It is a baptism.
He tells me now that the time is close that I hold this tight against my heart. He tells me that I am walking straight along the path like a good girl. He knows that I have been trying so hard to be exactly what I need to be.
He tells me what the collar means, that I will be his Kitten forever. Later there will be a ring, but the collar comes first and, in a way, is more important. It will bind us on another level and in a way that only we will understand. It will be the most special bond we share.
And it all starts the first time he grabs me by that collar. After that, everything will be different. I drift off to sleep, dreaming of those moments just out of my grasp.
Love
I haven't been posting here. I apologize. I've been trying to live outside my head for a while, but you know how difficult that can be. I had to come back here to be with you and to talk over those things that only you and I understand. It is so isolating sometimes. I tried to share a part of myself with a close friend recently and it went very badly, so I have retreated. I know that no one understands except you reading here and blogging out there about this life.
This is mostly my fault because I cannot explain this to myself, let alone someone else. Like, how do you put this kind of love into words when you don't even understand what this kind of love is to begin with? Sometimes I think that it isn't love at all, that it is just control and anger and hatred dressed up as something else. It isn't care and protection. Sometimes it is just power for power's sake. How can hurting me so badly, emotionally, serve any end other than to show me how much He hates me? Why else would he do this to me?
I am going on a trip in a few months and it has already been decided that my suitcase will be inspected and He has already made it known that I am not trusted by myself on this trip. That may not seem like a big deal to any of you, but it seems like an intrusion and a declaration that I am not a competent adult who cannot be on her own without suspicion. It's not a test. It just is. I can choose to leave if I don't want to put up with it, but who throws away their whole life based on one thing like that? But that's where they get you...it is one thing today and tomorrow it is another thing and before you know it, your whole life is under siege. Then you look back and wonder where you made the decision to stay and you see that did it every day in a million little ways and that you didn't understand where it was going. And I don't see how that can be love. It seems like something else.
Of all of the things that got me into this, the emotional control is the part I understood the least. I didn't expect it and I didn't see how it tied into the sexual control or ownership or any of that. I am still at a loss to understand it even now, even after it has become the predominant force is my life. I know that I crave it on some level. I can feel it deep in my stomach, that sort of swooping sensation when he puts his hand on my neck and tells me that he owns me. I know that's the desire for control, or maybe the fear of it that gets crossed with desire. There are a lot of crossed wires in my head.
I know that he craves it too. He craves the brutality just like I do, although I think he fears it a great deal less. The other night I was airing some grievance with him and I was speaking a little more forcefully than was appropriate. I could see the burning in his eyes and I quickly stopped. Later he told me that he wanted to hit me so hard in that moment and I immediately felt an electric charge shoot between us. We both wanted it, but if he had actually hit me in that moment? It would have destroyed me and I would have felt an unbelievable sense of betrayal. I know, because it has happened before. There is confusion about destruction for the purpose of rebuilding me and destruction for its own sake. What happens when they look the same from my position on the floor?
He scares me so much sometimes that I wonder about his motivations. He scares me the most those times when he lets up on me suddenly, when he stops the pain and the cruelty, and he draws me into him. I am still scared and defiant and fighting, I want to push him away, but I am out of strength. I collapse on him and start to cry and he comforts me and I wonder, what kind of love is this?
This is mostly my fault because I cannot explain this to myself, let alone someone else. Like, how do you put this kind of love into words when you don't even understand what this kind of love is to begin with? Sometimes I think that it isn't love at all, that it is just control and anger and hatred dressed up as something else. It isn't care and protection. Sometimes it is just power for power's sake. How can hurting me so badly, emotionally, serve any end other than to show me how much He hates me? Why else would he do this to me?
I am going on a trip in a few months and it has already been decided that my suitcase will be inspected and He has already made it known that I am not trusted by myself on this trip. That may not seem like a big deal to any of you, but it seems like an intrusion and a declaration that I am not a competent adult who cannot be on her own without suspicion. It's not a test. It just is. I can choose to leave if I don't want to put up with it, but who throws away their whole life based on one thing like that? But that's where they get you...it is one thing today and tomorrow it is another thing and before you know it, your whole life is under siege. Then you look back and wonder where you made the decision to stay and you see that did it every day in a million little ways and that you didn't understand where it was going. And I don't see how that can be love. It seems like something else.
Of all of the things that got me into this, the emotional control is the part I understood the least. I didn't expect it and I didn't see how it tied into the sexual control or ownership or any of that. I am still at a loss to understand it even now, even after it has become the predominant force is my life. I know that I crave it on some level. I can feel it deep in my stomach, that sort of swooping sensation when he puts his hand on my neck and tells me that he owns me. I know that's the desire for control, or maybe the fear of it that gets crossed with desire. There are a lot of crossed wires in my head.
I know that he craves it too. He craves the brutality just like I do, although I think he fears it a great deal less. The other night I was airing some grievance with him and I was speaking a little more forcefully than was appropriate. I could see the burning in his eyes and I quickly stopped. Later he told me that he wanted to hit me so hard in that moment and I immediately felt an electric charge shoot between us. We both wanted it, but if he had actually hit me in that moment? It would have destroyed me and I would have felt an unbelievable sense of betrayal. I know, because it has happened before. There is confusion about destruction for the purpose of rebuilding me and destruction for its own sake. What happens when they look the same from my position on the floor?
He scares me so much sometimes that I wonder about his motivations. He scares me the most those times when he lets up on me suddenly, when he stops the pain and the cruelty, and he draws me into him. I am still scared and defiant and fighting, I want to push him away, but I am out of strength. I collapse on him and start to cry and he comforts me and I wonder, what kind of love is this?
Nothing, Part a Million
"When you said that I was nothing without you? Did you mean that?," I asked quietly before we went to bed. Of all of the terrible thing He said to me, somehow that was sticking with me the most.
"Kitten, you know that not everything I say to you during a scene is 100% accurate. Sometimes I say things to humiliate you, or to break you down, or to show you your place. But I don't always mean everything," he explained.
"So...did you mean that? Do you really think that I'm nothing without you?"
"I think that you'd be incomplete without me. I think that you'd be a cold, lost little Kitten without me. But I don't think you'd be nothing. You were something when I met you," he said, and he smiled.
"Kitten, you know that not everything I say to you during a scene is 100% accurate. Sometimes I say things to humiliate you, or to break you down, or to show you your place. But I don't always mean everything," he explained.
"So...did you mean that? Do you really think that I'm nothing without you?"
"I think that you'd be incomplete without me. I think that you'd be a cold, lost little Kitten without me. But I don't think you'd be nothing. You were something when I met you," he said, and he smiled.
Collaring
The collar never really meant much to me. It would just be an accessory. I thought of it as a fun addition and a welcome symbol of our relationship, but it wouldn't be the be-all-end-all. I was going to get one for Christmas and I was excited. I didn't understand how important it is and how much giving it to me means to Him.
But that was before. Now I'm not getting one.
He's right - I don't deserve a collar now. I haven't behaved in a way that respects his ownership. He deserves better, today and for the rest of his life. He deserves a Kitten who understands what his ownership means and doesn't lie, not even about the little things. I don't deserve the collar, not the way I am.
Now that I'm not getting it, I suddenly understand what the collar means. I understand the symbol of trust, because I have been untrustworthy; and honesty, because I have been dishonest; and respect, because I have been disrespectful. I am struck by a deep sense of loss and grief, that I have squandered all of my work over the past year, that He is disappointed in me. It is the disappointment that hurts the most.
I have to start to earn it back. It is hard when I am so grief-stricken over the collar's abortive loss. But maybe this will help me appreciate it if I do ever get it, and do everything in my power to keep it.
But that was before. Now I'm not getting one.
He's right - I don't deserve a collar now. I haven't behaved in a way that respects his ownership. He deserves better, today and for the rest of his life. He deserves a Kitten who understands what his ownership means and doesn't lie, not even about the little things. I don't deserve the collar, not the way I am.
Now that I'm not getting it, I suddenly understand what the collar means. I understand the symbol of trust, because I have been untrustworthy; and honesty, because I have been dishonest; and respect, because I have been disrespectful. I am struck by a deep sense of loss and grief, that I have squandered all of my work over the past year, that He is disappointed in me. It is the disappointment that hurts the most.
I have to start to earn it back. It is hard when I am so grief-stricken over the collar's abortive loss. But maybe this will help me appreciate it if I do ever get it, and do everything in my power to keep it.
Deep
He was above me, deep inside me. My legs were wrapped around his waist. He was looking down at me, holding my head still with both hands. His fingers were wound in my hair. For a time, He didn't say anything. He just moved slowly inside me and looked deep into me.
He leaned down closer until he was inches from my face. "It's time, Kitten," he said softly, pausing to brush the hair out of my eyes. "It's time to give yourself over to me completely. No holding back anything now, you have to give me everything."
I felt the tears prick at my eyes. I tried to shake them away, but he held me still.
"Let the tears come. It's time to give me everything you have. Let go, Kitten," he whispered. We were still moving together, but the sex was almost secondary at that point. We were moving together on a whole other level. It was almost spiritual, two beings fused together, orbiting around each other, dancing in harmony out in space.
"Everything," as he locked his hands around my neck. I floated up with Him, up, up. I took one deep breath and felt him press down on me but I was light as air. I held on to Him as he pulled me away, His lips on my face, drying my tears, tasting me, wringing them out of me.
I don't remember what happened next. We came down together, we must have because here we are, walking the earth with everyone else. I don't remember everything he said or much of what I did, but I remember words of great meaning and promises of forever. I asked Him later if He meant what he said, not sure what I was asking for. Maybe reassurance that he had felt the same soul-shifting connection that I had. He nodded with what I thought for a moment were tears in his eyes.
"Everything, Kitten. I meant everything."
He leaned down closer until he was inches from my face. "It's time, Kitten," he said softly, pausing to brush the hair out of my eyes. "It's time to give yourself over to me completely. No holding back anything now, you have to give me everything."
I felt the tears prick at my eyes. I tried to shake them away, but he held me still.
"Let the tears come. It's time to give me everything you have. Let go, Kitten," he whispered. We were still moving together, but the sex was almost secondary at that point. We were moving together on a whole other level. It was almost spiritual, two beings fused together, orbiting around each other, dancing in harmony out in space.
"Everything," as he locked his hands around my neck. I floated up with Him, up, up. I took one deep breath and felt him press down on me but I was light as air. I held on to Him as he pulled me away, His lips on my face, drying my tears, tasting me, wringing them out of me.
I don't remember what happened next. We came down together, we must have because here we are, walking the earth with everyone else. I don't remember everything he said or much of what I did, but I remember words of great meaning and promises of forever. I asked Him later if He meant what he said, not sure what I was asking for. Maybe reassurance that he had felt the same soul-shifting connection that I had. He nodded with what I thought for a moment were tears in his eyes.
"Everything, Kitten. I meant everything."
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