I have heard some young submissives (and even some insecure doms) worry about the attributes that the best Masters just must have. They mention discipline, internal and external, and rope-tying skills and delicious cruelty. But I think my Master's best attribute is something much more benign but still extremely important - His patience.
I am so grateful that He was so calm, understanding and willing to hold my hand this week, even as I threw an unholy hissy fit. I am thankful that He knows that I get scared and that I blame Him for feeling insecure, and that He loves me and reassures me anyway. I am so grateful that He holds me tight to His chest as I thrash and try to get away, tight until I tire and cling to Him again.
And I am most grateful for the fact that He will discipline me this weekend and put me back in my place. That's where I belong.
Showing posts with label submission. Show all posts
Showing posts with label submission. Show all posts
Such a Long Time
I haven't written here in a while. Life has intruded a little too much lately. He and I continue on. We learn new things every day.
Our biggest challenge lately - okay, so it's my biggest challenge - is how to do things for which there are no road maps. How to find out who you are when no one is like you. How to form your relationship when you don't think like any other couple you know. Blazing trails has never been my strong suit. I've been a conformist all my life and I've never tried to stand out from the crowd. He's a little different, but I know that He's challenged by our path. We're both so in the dark sometimes.
I hope that, as we continue to find our way, we cling to each other in the dark. We may be alone out there in what we're doing, but at least we're together in finding our way.
Our biggest challenge lately - okay, so it's my biggest challenge - is how to do things for which there are no road maps. How to find out who you are when no one is like you. How to form your relationship when you don't think like any other couple you know. Blazing trails has never been my strong suit. I've been a conformist all my life and I've never tried to stand out from the crowd. He's a little different, but I know that He's challenged by our path. We're both so in the dark sometimes.
I hope that, as we continue to find our way, we cling to each other in the dark. We may be alone out there in what we're doing, but at least we're together in finding our way.
Asexual
We did everything that night, except fuck. It was raw and primal and intense; in short, it was everything that we love and everything that characterizes our dynamic.
He snapped His fingers. I crawled to Him.
He kicked me down onto the floor. I cringed.
He spanked me mercilessly. I sobbed until He knew I had had enough.
After it was over, we were spent. We curled up next to each other on the floor. I felt like all of the tension had been wrung out of my body. We looked at each other with those blissed-out looks on our faces, but neither of us had come.
It was perfectly unexpected.
He snapped His fingers. I crawled to Him.
He kicked me down onto the floor. I cringed.
He spanked me mercilessly. I sobbed until He knew I had had enough.
After it was over, we were spent. We curled up next to each other on the floor. I felt like all of the tension had been wrung out of my body. We looked at each other with those blissed-out looks on our faces, but neither of us had come.
It was perfectly unexpected.
Rules, Rules, Rules
Some submissives complain about rules set out by their Masters, but maybe I'm different. I love rules. I welcome them and thrive under them. My favorite rule is my bedtime because it helps me so, so much. My Owner really got that one right and I thank my lucky stars every day that I have Him to help me with my sleep schedule or I'd be the most unproductive Kitten ever.
The great thing about any set of rules imposed by my Owner is that the rules usually come with an explanation. My Owner sits down and tells me what the rules are and why the rules are. When I'm most confused and the situation is most uncertain, I love having the rules to carve out a safe course of conduct for my behavior. I love knowing where the boundaries are (better not to inadvertently to step over them) and I love the satisfaction in knowing when I am able to comply with my Owner's wishes to a T.
There are a lot of gray areas in my life, but things are better with my Owner when the lines are drawn in black and white. The clarity and security in knowing where I stand, even in the face of an onerous restriction, warms my submissive little heart in ways that I've only begun to explore. Let me know your feelings about your rules and whether you enjoy them, love/hate them or something else!
The great thing about any set of rules imposed by my Owner is that the rules usually come with an explanation. My Owner sits down and tells me what the rules are and why the rules are. When I'm most confused and the situation is most uncertain, I love having the rules to carve out a safe course of conduct for my behavior. I love knowing where the boundaries are (better not to inadvertently to step over them) and I love the satisfaction in knowing when I am able to comply with my Owner's wishes to a T.
There are a lot of gray areas in my life, but things are better with my Owner when the lines are drawn in black and white. The clarity and security in knowing where I stand, even in the face of an onerous restriction, warms my submissive little heart in ways that I've only begun to explore. Let me know your feelings about your rules and whether you enjoy them, love/hate them or something else!
Fantasy/Horror
He spun out a fantasy as He put me on my knees in front of Him and held me by the neck. That if I left - if we separated for some reason - I wouldn't last a day without Him.
"Correction, you wouldn't last half a day without me," He taunted
In his fantasy, I'd try to forget about Him. I'd fuck someone else and feel like I was high and free for a moment, but it would come crashing down soon enough. I'd be desperate to have Him back.
I didn't want Him to spin that fantasy out anymore. He was using the idea as sexual stimulation, but it just seems like a nightmare to me. I don't want to be without Him. I never want to do that inevitable dive from false euphoria to crumbling resolve to manic desperation. I know that I am unable to be without Him and I didn't want to think about it, even if it was turning Him on.
What He said was true: I would call Him and beg to see Him. He would refuse, but maybe He'd come over anyway. We'd fuck, rough, my face pushed up against the wall as He rammed me from behind. He'd hold my neck and ask me if I liked being free, if I felt good being a whore for someone else because that's what I'd become.
Kneeling before Him, I shook my head and felt the tears come to my eyes. At the same time, I could feel the wetness between my legs and that familiar pulse of lust in my cunt. He let go of my neck and smiled. "Wouldn't last a day," he said softly as He patted my cheek.
"Correction, you wouldn't last half a day without me," He taunted
In his fantasy, I'd try to forget about Him. I'd fuck someone else and feel like I was high and free for a moment, but it would come crashing down soon enough. I'd be desperate to have Him back.
I didn't want Him to spin that fantasy out anymore. He was using the idea as sexual stimulation, but it just seems like a nightmare to me. I don't want to be without Him. I never want to do that inevitable dive from false euphoria to crumbling resolve to manic desperation. I know that I am unable to be without Him and I didn't want to think about it, even if it was turning Him on.
What He said was true: I would call Him and beg to see Him. He would refuse, but maybe He'd come over anyway. We'd fuck, rough, my face pushed up against the wall as He rammed me from behind. He'd hold my neck and ask me if I liked being free, if I felt good being a whore for someone else because that's what I'd become.
Kneeling before Him, I shook my head and felt the tears come to my eyes. At the same time, I could feel the wetness between my legs and that familiar pulse of lust in my cunt. He let go of my neck and smiled. "Wouldn't last a day," he said softly as He patted my cheek.
Looking for Love
Is He right? Do I need more love than the average girl? Am I unhappy unless I am completely wrapped up and absorbed in someone's love and affection?
Am I needier than I should be?
Perhaps. I remember my profound dissatisfaction with my vanilla relationships. Something was always missing, and not just the spanking. Some sort of emotional comfort and security. I have been in love before, but it was never enough. I always wanted more - more devotion, more attention, more of whatever it was that I wasn't getting.
I've been single and I consider myself independent. But when I met my Owner, I knew that He was what I had been looking for all along. His overflowing heart and boundless affection were perfect for me. He has never been afraid to express how much He loves me and I've never felt like my ardor was too much either.
So, at the end of the day, I guess it doesn't matter if I need too much love. My owner and I are giving (and getting) exactly what we need from each other. But maybe I'm not alone out there, readers? Do those submissively-inclined among you see yourselves as needing more love?
Am I needier than I should be?
Perhaps. I remember my profound dissatisfaction with my vanilla relationships. Something was always missing, and not just the spanking. Some sort of emotional comfort and security. I have been in love before, but it was never enough. I always wanted more - more devotion, more attention, more of whatever it was that I wasn't getting.
I've been single and I consider myself independent. But when I met my Owner, I knew that He was what I had been looking for all along. His overflowing heart and boundless affection were perfect for me. He has never been afraid to express how much He loves me and I've never felt like my ardor was too much either.
So, at the end of the day, I guess it doesn't matter if I need too much love. My owner and I are giving (and getting) exactly what we need from each other. But maybe I'm not alone out there, readers? Do those submissively-inclined among you see yourselves as needing more love?
Innocent
The clothespin was innocently sitting on the kitchen table. I was minding my own business. I wasn't even paying any attention to it. I was just sitting there, enjoying a glass of wine with my Owner. He noticed it, picked it up, turned it over between His fingers. He held it up where I could see it. I felt my breathing deepen and change. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the look in His eye, but I felt my pulse beat a little faster.
He led me over to the couch, where he stripped me of my shirt and pulled my skirt up around my waist. He pinched my right nipple between his fingers until it got hard, then He clamped on the clothespin. He watched me carefully as I squirmed, a little at first and then more as the pressure set in.
He switched to the other nipple, lamenting the fact that He only had one clothespin at hand. He went back and forth, watching, flicking the clothespin and waiting for me to cry out. Then He really started to torture me.
He clipped the clothespin to my clit. If you haven't experienced this sensation - and I hadn't before this moment - then you have no idea the intensity of the feeling. It's somewhere beyond pain, it's more like a searing white lightening bolt. And when He forced three fingers inside of me at the same time? I howled like I was being skinned alive.
I also dripped all over His fingers, down His hand, everywhere. After that, we fucked like it was the first time, or the last time. I want the clothespins again, I want Him on top of me on the floor, pumping deep into me, I want His hand on my throat and his breath hot on my ear.
I want Him and I cannot wait until next time.
He led me over to the couch, where he stripped me of my shirt and pulled my skirt up around my waist. He pinched my right nipple between his fingers until it got hard, then He clamped on the clothespin. He watched me carefully as I squirmed, a little at first and then more as the pressure set in.
He switched to the other nipple, lamenting the fact that He only had one clothespin at hand. He went back and forth, watching, flicking the clothespin and waiting for me to cry out. Then He really started to torture me.
He clipped the clothespin to my clit. If you haven't experienced this sensation - and I hadn't before this moment - then you have no idea the intensity of the feeling. It's somewhere beyond pain, it's more like a searing white lightening bolt. And when He forced three fingers inside of me at the same time? I howled like I was being skinned alive.
I also dripped all over His fingers, down His hand, everywhere. After that, we fucked like it was the first time, or the last time. I want the clothespins again, I want Him on top of me on the floor, pumping deep into me, I want His hand on my throat and his breath hot on my ear.
I want Him and I cannot wait until next time.
Comprehending
No matter how much control you think you've surrendered, there comes a time when you realize how much farther there is to go. There comes a time when something more is demanded of you and you give it, even though you didn't think it was possible.
I can't explain what happened - even if my Owner hadn't forbidden me from talking about it, I couldn't describe it. But I need only say that it shook my understanding of how powerful He is and how connected we are. It makes me wonder what either of us would be without the other, as if my whole being depends on His existence on this planet. That sounds over-dramatic, but these are dramatic times between us.
Oh, I can tell you this small part...
He made me come with his mind.
I can't explain what happened - even if my Owner hadn't forbidden me from talking about it, I couldn't describe it. But I need only say that it shook my understanding of how powerful He is and how connected we are. It makes me wonder what either of us would be without the other, as if my whole being depends on His existence on this planet. That sounds over-dramatic, but these are dramatic times between us.
Oh, I can tell you this small part...
He made me come with his mind.
Goodbye
Don't be alarmed - I'm only going away for a week.
My Owner and I said goodbye last night and it was very difficult. We spent a lot of time last night curled up together on the couch. Neither one of us wanted to let go. It was getting late and I had to leave, but we just couldn't stop holding each other close. I was teary-eyed and He looked so sad.
Eventually, I got up to leave. He stood me in front of him and stared at me for a long time. I wasn't sure if He was going to let me go or if He was going to do something to me. He just had that glint in his eye. He snapped his fingers and I knew to drop to my knees. He stroked my hair and then ordered me to bow at his feet.
I pressed my face against the tops of his feet and, suddenly, I was hit with how much I didn't want to be without Him for the next week. I started sobbing, humbled by kneeling in front of him. I swept my hair across his feet as I clutched him around the ankles. My tears fell on the ground in front of Him. I could feel his hands caressing my back as I cried.
After a moment, He went around behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I stayed bent over as He unbuttoned my pants and pulled them down around my knees. I was breathless from crying and now the anticipation. I was reeling with the shift from soft sorrow to arousal and passion.
He entered me from behind, speaking to me gently and still caressing my back. "Daddy's here, don't worry Kitten, it's okay Kitten," He cooed as we fucked slowly, feeling each other intimately for the last time for a week. "I love you."
My Owner and I said goodbye last night and it was very difficult. We spent a lot of time last night curled up together on the couch. Neither one of us wanted to let go. It was getting late and I had to leave, but we just couldn't stop holding each other close. I was teary-eyed and He looked so sad.
Eventually, I got up to leave. He stood me in front of him and stared at me for a long time. I wasn't sure if He was going to let me go or if He was going to do something to me. He just had that glint in his eye. He snapped his fingers and I knew to drop to my knees. He stroked my hair and then ordered me to bow at his feet.
I pressed my face against the tops of his feet and, suddenly, I was hit with how much I didn't want to be without Him for the next week. I started sobbing, humbled by kneeling in front of him. I swept my hair across his feet as I clutched him around the ankles. My tears fell on the ground in front of Him. I could feel his hands caressing my back as I cried.
After a moment, He went around behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I stayed bent over as He unbuttoned my pants and pulled them down around my knees. I was breathless from crying and now the anticipation. I was reeling with the shift from soft sorrow to arousal and passion.
He entered me from behind, speaking to me gently and still caressing my back. "Daddy's here, don't worry Kitten, it's okay Kitten," He cooed as we fucked slowly, feeling each other intimately for the last time for a week. "I love you."
Year One/Year Two
It's amazing to me how different the second year of our relationship has been from the first year. That first year was so unlike any time in a relationship that I've ever had - scary and unknown, but also innocent and sweet. Everything was murky then, where we were going and how we were going to get there. We spent so much of our energy figuring out our roles, and then figuring out how to stick with them, and then figuring out how to change the things that didn't work for us.
Now, in our second year, things are so much more natural. After some trouble that we had in December, we came back stronger than ever. That was a big blow-up, but I think we needed that - the same way that forests need cleansing fires in order to grow. We've been in complete sync ever since. Our second year has been one of improvements and growth and great new experiences.
I feel like we've finally figured it out and settled into our roles. I call him "Owner" so instinctively that I don't realize when I do it out in public, or in front of my friends. Everyone knows that he calls me "Kitten," even if they don't really know what that means. We don't even think about it much anymore. I still get mouthy sometimes, but I know my place and I know what to expect. He is comfortable in his dominance, so much so that He doesn't always have to use a heavy hand in order to keep me in control. The best part is is that I feel like we're on the same side, always. It's us together in everything and I know that we're going exactly where we need to go, together.
I think the key to how well this has worked out is that we let these roles, the rules and our whole dynamic emerge organically. We didn't have a blueprint from the established S&M scene or anyone else's relationship as a model of how to do things. I'm sure there are examples out there on the internet, where there is invariably always someone to tell you that their way is the "true" way. But we've done it on our own and managed to find our own way. It might not work for anyone else, so please don't take this as advice. We were inexperienced coming into this, so our lack of expectations helped us; obviously, an experienced person would be frustrated with some of the bumbling and false starts to be disappointing.
I'm feeling unbelievably optimistic today, which is funny because I've used this blog so much as a place to air my negative feelings. But the thing is: I know now that we He says that He'll own me forever, that He means it and that it is possible. It is possible. At this point, anything is possible.
Now, in our second year, things are so much more natural. After some trouble that we had in December, we came back stronger than ever. That was a big blow-up, but I think we needed that - the same way that forests need cleansing fires in order to grow. We've been in complete sync ever since. Our second year has been one of improvements and growth and great new experiences.
I feel like we've finally figured it out and settled into our roles. I call him "Owner" so instinctively that I don't realize when I do it out in public, or in front of my friends. Everyone knows that he calls me "Kitten," even if they don't really know what that means. We don't even think about it much anymore. I still get mouthy sometimes, but I know my place and I know what to expect. He is comfortable in his dominance, so much so that He doesn't always have to use a heavy hand in order to keep me in control. The best part is is that I feel like we're on the same side, always. It's us together in everything and I know that we're going exactly where we need to go, together.
I think the key to how well this has worked out is that we let these roles, the rules and our whole dynamic emerge organically. We didn't have a blueprint from the established S&M scene or anyone else's relationship as a model of how to do things. I'm sure there are examples out there on the internet, where there is invariably always someone to tell you that their way is the "true" way. But we've done it on our own and managed to find our own way. It might not work for anyone else, so please don't take this as advice. We were inexperienced coming into this, so our lack of expectations helped us; obviously, an experienced person would be frustrated with some of the bumbling and false starts to be disappointing.
I'm feeling unbelievably optimistic today, which is funny because I've used this blog so much as a place to air my negative feelings. But the thing is: I know now that we He says that He'll own me forever, that He means it and that it is possible. It is possible. At this point, anything is possible.
Fight, fight, fight
Thanks to subtletimes for the topic suggestion. She asked for the details of our last "fight/argument."
I talked this over with my Owner and we were basically unable to come up with anything. We squabble from time to time, but we haven't had a big fight over actual relationship issues in about six months. We disagree and have difficultly communicating every couple of weeks, which I think is normal. Also, I tend to get overtired late at night because I'm on a pretty strict schedule for work, while He's more of a night owl. By 11 pm, I can get like an overtired toddler - I cycle from hyper, to comatose, to crying in the span of an hour. He knows my moods and can read me pretty well, so He tries to put me to bed before I get out of control. But I still get crabby sometimes and lose my patience when I speak to Him, which is never good.
But those occasional incidents are not really fights, per se. Not like the time six months into our relationship when I got so angry at Him that I put his belongings in a paper bag and drove over to His house with them. I intended to throw the bag at Him and never see Him again. Hilariously, I made the thirty-minute drive to His house that night in about fifteen minutes. He joked later that I drove at pyscho speed! I know that I really offended Him that night because I was just going to throw our relationship away because I was upset. It took a long time to recover from that, but I learned not to react that way in the future.
The oddest thing is that I can't even remember what it was that we were arguing about that night. I just remember that in the middle of a tense moment, we were standing by my car and He went to throw his gum out onto the ground. He looked at me and said in this super-serious voice: "Time out. I need to ask you something." I nodded, thinking that we were about to make some life-changing relationship decision. Then He said, "Can racoons choke on gum?," and we both started cracking up. He was so concerned that a racoon was going to come by and choke on his discarded gum that He couldn't even think about what we were arguing about at that moment. It was so funny, and it diffused all the tension so that we could resolve whatever it was that we were arguing about in the first place.
So, thanks again for the topic. My Owner's suggestion for topics is that I write some good old-fashioned smut, so you have that to look forward to sometime soon. Keep your suggestions coming in by e-mail or in the comments!
I talked this over with my Owner and we were basically unable to come up with anything. We squabble from time to time, but we haven't had a big fight over actual relationship issues in about six months. We disagree and have difficultly communicating every couple of weeks, which I think is normal. Also, I tend to get overtired late at night because I'm on a pretty strict schedule for work, while He's more of a night owl. By 11 pm, I can get like an overtired toddler - I cycle from hyper, to comatose, to crying in the span of an hour. He knows my moods and can read me pretty well, so He tries to put me to bed before I get out of control. But I still get crabby sometimes and lose my patience when I speak to Him, which is never good.
But those occasional incidents are not really fights, per se. Not like the time six months into our relationship when I got so angry at Him that I put his belongings in a paper bag and drove over to His house with them. I intended to throw the bag at Him and never see Him again. Hilariously, I made the thirty-minute drive to His house that night in about fifteen minutes. He joked later that I drove at pyscho speed! I know that I really offended Him that night because I was just going to throw our relationship away because I was upset. It took a long time to recover from that, but I learned not to react that way in the future.
The oddest thing is that I can't even remember what it was that we were arguing about that night. I just remember that in the middle of a tense moment, we were standing by my car and He went to throw his gum out onto the ground. He looked at me and said in this super-serious voice: "Time out. I need to ask you something." I nodded, thinking that we were about to make some life-changing relationship decision. Then He said, "Can racoons choke on gum?," and we both started cracking up. He was so concerned that a racoon was going to come by and choke on his discarded gum that He couldn't even think about what we were arguing about at that moment. It was so funny, and it diffused all the tension so that we could resolve whatever it was that we were arguing about in the first place.
So, thanks again for the topic. My Owner's suggestion for topics is that I write some good old-fashioned smut, so you have that to look forward to sometime soon. Keep your suggestions coming in by e-mail or in the comments!
Skin
I got my first tattoo a few weeks ago. The tattoo is an interpretation of a drawing of several naked women who appear to be floating, each with long dark flowing hair. I think the tattoo is beautifully done and I am very happy to have this tattoo after years of indecision.
I decided on this design during the past year as I started to come to terms with my sexuality, not just my dedication to submission but my bisexuality. It is something that I have kept hidden from those closest to me - and from myself, even - for years. My desire for women is one of my first sexual memories and my earliest sexual experiences were with women. But, for whatever reasons based on my repressive childhood or religious upbringing, I always kept that hidden away.
I still carry a great deal of shame about these experiences and I am not open about my bisexuality. This is something that my Owner and I have been discussing a lot and will be working on. I hope to be more open one day, but I am still in the closet with most everyone in my life. But the tattoo is a semi-public way for me to celebrate my love for women and this part of myself. It is a hope for the future, that I one day can proudly display and be comfortable in my own skin.
I decided on this design during the past year as I started to come to terms with my sexuality, not just my dedication to submission but my bisexuality. It is something that I have kept hidden from those closest to me - and from myself, even - for years. My desire for women is one of my first sexual memories and my earliest sexual experiences were with women. But, for whatever reasons based on my repressive childhood or religious upbringing, I always kept that hidden away.
I still carry a great deal of shame about these experiences and I am not open about my bisexuality. This is something that my Owner and I have been discussing a lot and will be working on. I hope to be more open one day, but I am still in the closet with most everyone in my life. But the tattoo is a semi-public way for me to celebrate my love for women and this part of myself. It is a hope for the future, that I one day can proudly display and be comfortable in my own skin.
New
Oh, how I love my shiny new vibrator! I broke my last one, or it died a natural death. Either way, it served me well for several years. On Monday, my Owner and I bought me a new one.
I don't need a fancy vibrator with attachments and probes and bells and whistles. I just need a smooth, continuously vibrating toy that I can apply to my clit. We bought a basic one, one that will hopefully last another few years...although with the way we used it that first day, I don't hold out much hope for a long, vibrating life.
We cleaned it and put it right to use when we got home. I was already wet with anticipation. He laid between my legs and put his face up close to my cunt to watch me play. When I came, He pushed my hand back down and made sure that I came two more times right away.
I wasn't sated yet. I begged Him to fuck me as I continued to writhe with the vibrator buzzing against me. He obliged, entering me and instructing me to keep the vibrator against my clit. I held it between us where we could both feel it, and I could tell from the look in His eyes that he really enjoyed the feel of the toy as he thrust into me. I came even harder on his cock than I had before - an incandescent orgasm that felt like a total white-out of feeling below my waist. Before I could stop gasping, He came inside me with a loud moan.
I set the vibrator down on the bed next to us. "So, I think that was a good purchase," He understated. All I could do was nod in agreement :-)
I don't need a fancy vibrator with attachments and probes and bells and whistles. I just need a smooth, continuously vibrating toy that I can apply to my clit. We bought a basic one, one that will hopefully last another few years...although with the way we used it that first day, I don't hold out much hope for a long, vibrating life.
We cleaned it and put it right to use when we got home. I was already wet with anticipation. He laid between my legs and put his face up close to my cunt to watch me play. When I came, He pushed my hand back down and made sure that I came two more times right away.
I wasn't sated yet. I begged Him to fuck me as I continued to writhe with the vibrator buzzing against me. He obliged, entering me and instructing me to keep the vibrator against my clit. I held it between us where we could both feel it, and I could tell from the look in His eyes that he really enjoyed the feel of the toy as he thrust into me. I came even harder on his cock than I had before - an incandescent orgasm that felt like a total white-out of feeling below my waist. Before I could stop gasping, He came inside me with a loud moan.
I set the vibrator down on the bed next to us. "So, I think that was a good purchase," He understated. All I could do was nod in agreement :-)
Family Matters
I've been having problems with my family lately and I know that it comes from things that I'm going through in my relationship. My parents haven't changed - they are still the same over-involved parents that they have always been. If they had their way, they would continue to be super involved in my life, there would be no boundaries, and they would be the figures looming largest in my life.
I'm 29 years old, so that's probably not a healthy situation. I know that some people live geographically close to their parents and are really involved with their families in a healthy way, but that's not what it would be like for us. I see how they are with my sister, who lives in the same town. They are really involved with every part of her life, which she doesn't seem to mind. But I could never do that. I've resisted a bit in the past, but now I'm in a state of all-out rebellion because of my relationship. I'm directly challenging my parents because the most important person in my life - the person I go to when I need help or guidance and the one who is in charge of what I do - is now my Owner, not them.
I've been more vocal when they try to encroach on my turf, partly because I know that He sees them as manipulative and controlling and He has encouraged me to push back. Obviously, He has an interest in this change in me: his control is solidified as their control on me is loosened. But I don't think things are as sinister as that for Him. Instead, I think he sees (as my therapist sees) that I'm on the road toward accepting who I really am and that part of that journey involves separating from my parents. It's just causing all of this tension and I've been pulling away. There's so much about my relationship that I can't tell them anyway, but now I sense that they are truly unhappy with the way the situation has turned out.
I don't know where we go from here. I'm trying to assert my independence and eventually get to a place where I don't need their approval, but that's very difficult for me. I'm still terribly hung up on the fact that I've been seeking their approval my whole life. And when I realized this week in therapy that I'll never get it because I'll never be good enough for them, no matter what I do, it practically broke my heart. So that place where I am happy enough with who I am that I no longer need their approval, that place where I can relate to them without feeling torn apart, seems so far off from where I am right now. I hope that we can continue with our relationship in the meantime and make things better, but I see rough times ahead.
I'm 29 years old, so that's probably not a healthy situation. I know that some people live geographically close to their parents and are really involved with their families in a healthy way, but that's not what it would be like for us. I see how they are with my sister, who lives in the same town. They are really involved with every part of her life, which she doesn't seem to mind. But I could never do that. I've resisted a bit in the past, but now I'm in a state of all-out rebellion because of my relationship. I'm directly challenging my parents because the most important person in my life - the person I go to when I need help or guidance and the one who is in charge of what I do - is now my Owner, not them.
I've been more vocal when they try to encroach on my turf, partly because I know that He sees them as manipulative and controlling and He has encouraged me to push back. Obviously, He has an interest in this change in me: his control is solidified as their control on me is loosened. But I don't think things are as sinister as that for Him. Instead, I think he sees (as my therapist sees) that I'm on the road toward accepting who I really am and that part of that journey involves separating from my parents. It's just causing all of this tension and I've been pulling away. There's so much about my relationship that I can't tell them anyway, but now I sense that they are truly unhappy with the way the situation has turned out.
I don't know where we go from here. I'm trying to assert my independence and eventually get to a place where I don't need their approval, but that's very difficult for me. I'm still terribly hung up on the fact that I've been seeking their approval my whole life. And when I realized this week in therapy that I'll never get it because I'll never be good enough for them, no matter what I do, it practically broke my heart. So that place where I am happy enough with who I am that I no longer need their approval, that place where I can relate to them without feeling torn apart, seems so far off from where I am right now. I hope that we can continue with our relationship in the meantime and make things better, but I see rough times ahead.
Welcome
From time to time, I get to thinking about this blog and its place in my life. I look at my stats and look back over my posting history. On the whole, this blog has been a positive experience. On the other hand, there have been a few hiccups along the way. I was especially hurt a few months ago by an online flurry of negativity. It really hit home and it upset me.
No more.
Now? Please. I welcome my visitors from other corners of the web. Please, feel free to poke around and read about my experiences. You might find that you can learn something. Or you might continue to judge me without any basis whatsoever. Either way, I'll keep being owned and happy, and you'll keep being...well, whatever it is that makes you so damn angry about what goes on in my bedroom.
*kisses!*
No more.
Now? Please. I welcome my visitors from other corners of the web. Please, feel free to poke around and read about my experiences. You might find that you can learn something. Or you might continue to judge me without any basis whatsoever. Either way, I'll keep being owned and happy, and you'll keep being...well, whatever it is that makes you so damn angry about what goes on in my bedroom.
*kisses!*
It's the Little Things
Him: Are you taking your vitamins kitten?
Me: Sometimes, yes
Him: Kitten. Every day. Ok?
Me: Yes sir
Him: Good girl. Try hard for me ok?
Me: I will, Owner. I'm sorry
Him: It's ok Kitten. I just want you to be nice and healthy
Me: I know, thank you for looking out for me :)
Me: Sometimes, yes
Him: Kitten. Every day. Ok?
Me: Yes sir
Him: Good girl. Try hard for me ok?
Me: I will, Owner. I'm sorry
Him: It's ok Kitten. I just want you to be nice and healthy
Me: I know, thank you for looking out for me :)
Belt
I knelt on the floor with His belt around my neck. He took the length that he had been using to pull me to his cock and wrapped it around my neck again. He pulled it tight and put the end between my teeth. I gripped it there, afraid of what he was doing, afraid of how tightly he was pulling the belt around my neck. He wiped his cock on my face, mixing the saliva with the tears on my cheeks.
I trembled. Was this my punishment for last night? Was he still angry at me, and would his anger grow out of control until he pushed me harder than I was able to go? What was going to happen? This had all happened so suddenly.
I felt the red mark on my stomach where he had whipped me with the belt as I laid on the bed, before he dragged me onto the floor. I knew that I would have a mark that would last days. I knew that I deserved it, that I should take some of his anger as payment for what I had done.
But how much? Where would he take me this time?
I trembled. Was this my punishment for last night? Was he still angry at me, and would his anger grow out of control until he pushed me harder than I was able to go? What was going to happen? This had all happened so suddenly.
I felt the red mark on my stomach where he had whipped me with the belt as I laid on the bed, before he dragged me onto the floor. I knew that I would have a mark that would last days. I knew that I deserved it, that I should take some of his anger as payment for what I had done.
But how much? Where would he take me this time?
Darken
Would you believe me if I told you that my Owner can make his eyes go almost completely black at will? That he can dilate his pupils, and just as quickly make them go back to normal?
Well, it doesn't really matter if you believe me or not. I saw it happen.
One minute he was growling and clawing at my back, ordering me to ride him facing away from him as he swatted at my ass. He hit me harder and harder, until I leaped off of his cock in pain. He trapped me as I tried to scramble away and bit me hard on the shoulder. I arched my back and cried out, and then he bit me one each breast as he pinned me down. I cowered away from him, sneaking a look up at him snarling above me. And his eyes were completely black, like he was possessed or a vampire. He looked just barely in control and I was afraid.
I put my hands over my face, but instead of attacking again, he laid calmly next to me and stroked my hair. I uncovered my eyes and saw him looking down at me with his warm, chocolate eyes back to normal. In that moment, his pupils had retracted and he was feigning a look of innocence.
I still don't know how he did it (and if it is some sort of trick that you all know, I'd rather you kept it from me). He claims that I imagined it, like so many other things that I have seen that I know that he has done that he claims he knows nothing about. Like the mind reading, I know that that is real. But this? How could this be real? But at the same time, how could I have imagined it?
Well, it doesn't really matter if you believe me or not. I saw it happen.
One minute he was growling and clawing at my back, ordering me to ride him facing away from him as he swatted at my ass. He hit me harder and harder, until I leaped off of his cock in pain. He trapped me as I tried to scramble away and bit me hard on the shoulder. I arched my back and cried out, and then he bit me one each breast as he pinned me down. I cowered away from him, sneaking a look up at him snarling above me. And his eyes were completely black, like he was possessed or a vampire. He looked just barely in control and I was afraid.
I put my hands over my face, but instead of attacking again, he laid calmly next to me and stroked my hair. I uncovered my eyes and saw him looking down at me with his warm, chocolate eyes back to normal. In that moment, his pupils had retracted and he was feigning a look of innocence.
I still don't know how he did it (and if it is some sort of trick that you all know, I'd rather you kept it from me). He claims that I imagined it, like so many other things that I have seen that I know that he has done that he claims he knows nothing about. Like the mind reading, I know that that is real. But this? How could this be real? But at the same time, how could I have imagined it?
Never Have I Ever
I never have been able to figure out where certain of our lines are. It's not that they are shifting or that He hides them from me, but just that things are too complex to be able to pinpoint where the lines are most times.
Like, where is the line between "I listen to you because I value your opinion" and "I am deciding against you, even though you disagree"?
Where is the line between "Trust that I will never take advantage of you" and "Because I'm the Owner and I say so"?
I'm guessing that He would say that often both rules apply at the same time, at his discretion. That our relationship encompasses lots of mutually-contradictory rules that we somehow manage to follow. It all makes sense to Him, so I should probably just go along and stop wondering. But I am an inquisitive Kitten and I'm constantly taking us apart to see how we work.
Like, where is the line between "I listen to you because I value your opinion" and "I am deciding against you, even though you disagree"?
Where is the line between "Trust that I will never take advantage of you" and "Because I'm the Owner and I say so"?
I'm guessing that He would say that often both rules apply at the same time, at his discretion. That our relationship encompasses lots of mutually-contradictory rules that we somehow manage to follow. It all makes sense to Him, so I should probably just go along and stop wondering. But I am an inquisitive Kitten and I'm constantly taking us apart to see how we work.
Denial
"Touch yourself and tell me when you're going to come," He said as he laid next to me, watching. I started playing with my clit and felt my pussy get wetter and wetter. I was moaning softly. I looked up at him and asked to come. "Get closer," He ordered and I kept playing. "Can I come now? Please?," I begged. He paused and I grew closer to orgasm. "No, stop," He said suddenly and I pulled my hand away sharply.
Then He did it again, allowing me to get close to coming and ordering me to stop. Each time I pulled away my hand quickly, but reluctantly. I knew that I would get a slap if I didn't stop, but I was unhappy about it.
Then He crouched between my legs and teased my inner thighs with his tongue. "Do you want to come?," He asked lightly. "Yes, please," I begged breathlessly. After what felt like an eternity, He finally touched his tongue to my clit and moved it unbearably slowly. "Fingers, please," I gasped, indicating that I wanted him to finger-fuck me while he licked my clit (a surefire way to orgasm for me). He slid two fingers into my pussy. I was just about to come. I begged, "Please, please, can I? Daddy please?" He said yes, and I felt the first wave about to break. That's when He pulled away and out of me.
I looked up in shock and squirmed with pent-up sexual frustration. Was he denying me? He laid next to me and touched my face.
"When you were about to come, what did I do?"
"You stopped," I said plainly, wondering if it was a trick question.
"And when I tell you to stop walking and wait, what should you do?"
"I should stop." Oh, I knew what this was. This was punishment.
"Good, then now you know how to stop. I just showed you," He said a touch smugly. "Maybe I should let you touch yourself and come while you suck my cock?," He asked.
"I would like that, please," I said tentatively.
"I bet you would. No, it's time for bed."
My mouth fell open. I had to come, I needed to come or I would be awake and out-of-sorts all night! He had never denied me an orgasm before. I couldn't believe it. A tear leaked out of my eye and I brushed it away, embarrassed. I sat up and smoothed my nightgown back over my thighs in a defeated gesture. Just as I was about to get up, He grabbed my arm.
"Oh, okay, you can come once, but I hope you learned your lesson," He chided with a wag of his finger. I smiled and crawled eagerly toward Him.
Then He did it again, allowing me to get close to coming and ordering me to stop. Each time I pulled away my hand quickly, but reluctantly. I knew that I would get a slap if I didn't stop, but I was unhappy about it.
Then He crouched between my legs and teased my inner thighs with his tongue. "Do you want to come?," He asked lightly. "Yes, please," I begged breathlessly. After what felt like an eternity, He finally touched his tongue to my clit and moved it unbearably slowly. "Fingers, please," I gasped, indicating that I wanted him to finger-fuck me while he licked my clit (a surefire way to orgasm for me). He slid two fingers into my pussy. I was just about to come. I begged, "Please, please, can I? Daddy please?" He said yes, and I felt the first wave about to break. That's when He pulled away and out of me.
I looked up in shock and squirmed with pent-up sexual frustration. Was he denying me? He laid next to me and touched my face.
"When you were about to come, what did I do?"
"You stopped," I said plainly, wondering if it was a trick question.
"And when I tell you to stop walking and wait, what should you do?"
"I should stop." Oh, I knew what this was. This was punishment.
"Good, then now you know how to stop. I just showed you," He said a touch smugly. "Maybe I should let you touch yourself and come while you suck my cock?," He asked.
"I would like that, please," I said tentatively.
"I bet you would. No, it's time for bed."
My mouth fell open. I had to come, I needed to come or I would be awake and out-of-sorts all night! He had never denied me an orgasm before. I couldn't believe it. A tear leaked out of my eye and I brushed it away, embarrassed. I sat up and smoothed my nightgown back over my thighs in a defeated gesture. Just as I was about to get up, He grabbed my arm.
"Oh, okay, you can come once, but I hope you learned your lesson," He chided with a wag of his finger. I smiled and crawled eagerly toward Him.
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