I mentioned this in my last post, but I'd like to talk a little more about our threesome with our new friend, H. We met her online, but we had talked to a lot of other people online before that and none of them had ever worked out. We had talked about a threesome with another woman for so long that we knew exactly how we wanted it to go, and we weren't willing to settle for an unsatisfactory experience with the wrong person.
We had even recently had a bad experience of our own. I don't want to go into it too deeply and dredge it all up again, but before we met H. we got together with a couple to play and...it did not work out. It caused a lot of tension and (momentary) jealousy between my Owner and I, although we were able to come through it. That experience taught us that we are strong together, strong enough to find the right person to play with, strong enough to weather the tough parts of having a somewhat open relationship. We found H. pretty quickly after that and decided that we needed to believe in our relationship and pursue things with her even though we had been burned recently.
Anyway, we immediately hit it off with H. We had fun e-mail and phone conversations with her, separately and together. The energy was perfect. We all wanted the same things out of the experience, and we loved that she seemed to be open-minded. I especially loved that she was coming to us with no agenda - she truly wanted to be with both of us and I didn't get the feeling that there was going to be any problem with my relationship with my Owner in any way.
The night we finally got together was truly amazing. We had the opportunity to do so many things that I had been fantasizing about for so long. Also? She is a great kisser and great with her tongue. (Oh, and did I mention that she has the most amazing boobs that I have ever seen? *swoon!*) The highlight, though, was watching my Owner fuck her. It was really unexpected for me, but that memory still gives me a thrill every time. Sharing Him with H. was everything that I thought it would be, and more. There's something about the fact that my Owner could control and satisfy both of us that makes Him seem so powerful and so sexy. Just knowing that He could please her in that way, and continue to please me beyond my expectations, makes me feel like such a lucky girl. I am more in awe of Him than ever.
Things have continued to be fun and drama-free with H. since then. We're hoping to get together again soon to do all of the things that we didn't get to do the first time around (and for a repeat of some of the highlights). Mostly importantly, my Owner and I are doing great and we're stronger every day.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Gratitude
I have heard some young submissives (and even some insecure doms) worry about the attributes that the best Masters just must have. They mention discipline, internal and external, and rope-tying skills and delicious cruelty. But I think my Master's best attribute is something much more benign but still extremely important - His patience.
I am so grateful that He was so calm, understanding and willing to hold my hand this week, even as I threw an unholy hissy fit. I am thankful that He knows that I get scared and that I blame Him for feeling insecure, and that He loves me and reassures me anyway. I am so grateful that He holds me tight to His chest as I thrash and try to get away, tight until I tire and cling to Him again.
And I am most grateful for the fact that He will discipline me this weekend and put me back in my place. That's where I belong.
I am so grateful that He was so calm, understanding and willing to hold my hand this week, even as I threw an unholy hissy fit. I am thankful that He knows that I get scared and that I blame Him for feeling insecure, and that He loves me and reassures me anyway. I am so grateful that He holds me tight to His chest as I thrash and try to get away, tight until I tire and cling to Him again.
And I am most grateful for the fact that He will discipline me this weekend and put me back in my place. That's where I belong.
Slavery
"I am your slave," I moaned as I rode Him with my collar around my neck. I didn't think before I said it. I just blurted it out as I felt it.
"Yes, yes you are. You've resisted that label, but that is what you are, Kitten," He reassured me.
I started crying, tears of relief and joy and humiliation, all at the same time. He pulled me close and we moved together. He whispered in my ear: "Slave."
"Yes, yes you are. You've resisted that label, but that is what you are, Kitten," He reassured me.
I started crying, tears of relief and joy and humiliation, all at the same time. He pulled me close and we moved together. He whispered in my ear: "Slave."
Whys and wherfores
My friend and yours, the Discerning Dom, has written on the threesome from the male perspective, including why it's desirable to share your submissive with another man. I understand all of those reasons. I see them expressed by my Owner - He wants to feel that he can use me and own me so completely that I'll fuck another man for him, He wants me to express my inner slut for him, etc.
But why do I want to share Him with another woman? I feel it very strongly, but I cannot explain why. Remember the experience that we had this spring with that other couple? I didn't write about one part of that experience - the part where I sucked my Owner's cock with her. I was just about to start sucking His cock while the couple watched when I was overcome with the strongest feeling - I wanted to see her do it too. I wanted Him to feel that. I wanted to see His cock in her mouth. I wanted to share all of that with her and embrace them both in that moment.
I got my wish. I was so pleased to look up at one point and see my Owner reclining on the bed with his hands behind his head and this look of utter bliss on his face. He looked like the happiest man on earth.
And I have felt that desire many times since. We are about to embark on something new, possibly with someone we both can share. I want so many things with her and with Him, things that I want to see her enjoy with Him and ways that He can please me by pleasuring her. I cannot tease out all of the threads and understand why. I am happy that I feel this way because I think that it means that I'm growing into my relationship and comfortable with all of the ways that my Owner and I can explore our love for each other. (But there is a tiny part of me that thinks that my desires are fucked up and maybe wrong somehow.)
I know that part of it is simple - that I want to share Him just so I can experience his pleasure second-hand. That is part of it, surely, because I am nothing if not a people-pleaser. But I am usually also a jealous person and I would have expected that I would want to please Him myself, to know that I provide Him with the most pleasure in this world, not anyone else. But when push comes to shove, I'm not jealous. I'm generous and I want to share Him.
Why?
But why do I want to share Him with another woman? I feel it very strongly, but I cannot explain why. Remember the experience that we had this spring with that other couple? I didn't write about one part of that experience - the part where I sucked my Owner's cock with her. I was just about to start sucking His cock while the couple watched when I was overcome with the strongest feeling - I wanted to see her do it too. I wanted Him to feel that. I wanted to see His cock in her mouth. I wanted to share all of that with her and embrace them both in that moment.
I got my wish. I was so pleased to look up at one point and see my Owner reclining on the bed with his hands behind his head and this look of utter bliss on his face. He looked like the happiest man on earth.
And I have felt that desire many times since. We are about to embark on something new, possibly with someone we both can share. I want so many things with her and with Him, things that I want to see her enjoy with Him and ways that He can please me by pleasuring her. I cannot tease out all of the threads and understand why. I am happy that I feel this way because I think that it means that I'm growing into my relationship and comfortable with all of the ways that my Owner and I can explore our love for each other. (But there is a tiny part of me that thinks that my desires are fucked up and maybe wrong somehow.)
I know that part of it is simple - that I want to share Him just so I can experience his pleasure second-hand. That is part of it, surely, because I am nothing if not a people-pleaser. But I am usually also a jealous person and I would have expected that I would want to please Him myself, to know that I provide Him with the most pleasure in this world, not anyone else. But when push comes to shove, I'm not jealous. I'm generous and I want to share Him.
Why?
Pent Up
For a number of reasons, we spent last week together but we couldn't have sex.
It wasn't until the end of the week that we realized what that had done to us. In the absence of any sexual play between us, we had taken to sniping at each other. We both were constantly impatient and a tad testy. We didn't even realize that we were doing it.
Until, at the end of the week, after we had both come and were feeling much better, it dawned on me. Whatever sexual energy we regularly exercise, whatever play we used to get the small tensions out, had been all pent up. We needed the release, not just for our sanity but for the health of our relationship.
"Do you think that's a bad thing?," I asked Him once I realized what had happened.
"No, I think it's just part of who we are," He said and held me closer.
I really hope that we don't make that mistake again :-)
It wasn't until the end of the week that we realized what that had done to us. In the absence of any sexual play between us, we had taken to sniping at each other. We both were constantly impatient and a tad testy. We didn't even realize that we were doing it.
Until, at the end of the week, after we had both come and were feeling much better, it dawned on me. Whatever sexual energy we regularly exercise, whatever play we used to get the small tensions out, had been all pent up. We needed the release, not just for our sanity but for the health of our relationship.
"Do you think that's a bad thing?," I asked Him once I realized what had happened.
"No, I think it's just part of who we are," He said and held me closer.
I really hope that we don't make that mistake again :-)
Looking for Love
Is He right? Do I need more love than the average girl? Am I unhappy unless I am completely wrapped up and absorbed in someone's love and affection?
Am I needier than I should be?
Perhaps. I remember my profound dissatisfaction with my vanilla relationships. Something was always missing, and not just the spanking. Some sort of emotional comfort and security. I have been in love before, but it was never enough. I always wanted more - more devotion, more attention, more of whatever it was that I wasn't getting.
I've been single and I consider myself independent. But when I met my Owner, I knew that He was what I had been looking for all along. His overflowing heart and boundless affection were perfect for me. He has never been afraid to express how much He loves me and I've never felt like my ardor was too much either.
So, at the end of the day, I guess it doesn't matter if I need too much love. My owner and I are giving (and getting) exactly what we need from each other. But maybe I'm not alone out there, readers? Do those submissively-inclined among you see yourselves as needing more love?
Am I needier than I should be?
Perhaps. I remember my profound dissatisfaction with my vanilla relationships. Something was always missing, and not just the spanking. Some sort of emotional comfort and security. I have been in love before, but it was never enough. I always wanted more - more devotion, more attention, more of whatever it was that I wasn't getting.
I've been single and I consider myself independent. But when I met my Owner, I knew that He was what I had been looking for all along. His overflowing heart and boundless affection were perfect for me. He has never been afraid to express how much He loves me and I've never felt like my ardor was too much either.
So, at the end of the day, I guess it doesn't matter if I need too much love. My owner and I are giving (and getting) exactly what we need from each other. But maybe I'm not alone out there, readers? Do those submissively-inclined among you see yourselves as needing more love?
Year One/Year Two
It's amazing to me how different the second year of our relationship has been from the first year. That first year was so unlike any time in a relationship that I've ever had - scary and unknown, but also innocent and sweet. Everything was murky then, where we were going and how we were going to get there. We spent so much of our energy figuring out our roles, and then figuring out how to stick with them, and then figuring out how to change the things that didn't work for us.
Now, in our second year, things are so much more natural. After some trouble that we had in December, we came back stronger than ever. That was a big blow-up, but I think we needed that - the same way that forests need cleansing fires in order to grow. We've been in complete sync ever since. Our second year has been one of improvements and growth and great new experiences.
I feel like we've finally figured it out and settled into our roles. I call him "Owner" so instinctively that I don't realize when I do it out in public, or in front of my friends. Everyone knows that he calls me "Kitten," even if they don't really know what that means. We don't even think about it much anymore. I still get mouthy sometimes, but I know my place and I know what to expect. He is comfortable in his dominance, so much so that He doesn't always have to use a heavy hand in order to keep me in control. The best part is is that I feel like we're on the same side, always. It's us together in everything and I know that we're going exactly where we need to go, together.
I think the key to how well this has worked out is that we let these roles, the rules and our whole dynamic emerge organically. We didn't have a blueprint from the established S&M scene or anyone else's relationship as a model of how to do things. I'm sure there are examples out there on the internet, where there is invariably always someone to tell you that their way is the "true" way. But we've done it on our own and managed to find our own way. It might not work for anyone else, so please don't take this as advice. We were inexperienced coming into this, so our lack of expectations helped us; obviously, an experienced person would be frustrated with some of the bumbling and false starts to be disappointing.
I'm feeling unbelievably optimistic today, which is funny because I've used this blog so much as a place to air my negative feelings. But the thing is: I know now that we He says that He'll own me forever, that He means it and that it is possible. It is possible. At this point, anything is possible.
Now, in our second year, things are so much more natural. After some trouble that we had in December, we came back stronger than ever. That was a big blow-up, but I think we needed that - the same way that forests need cleansing fires in order to grow. We've been in complete sync ever since. Our second year has been one of improvements and growth and great new experiences.
I feel like we've finally figured it out and settled into our roles. I call him "Owner" so instinctively that I don't realize when I do it out in public, or in front of my friends. Everyone knows that he calls me "Kitten," even if they don't really know what that means. We don't even think about it much anymore. I still get mouthy sometimes, but I know my place and I know what to expect. He is comfortable in his dominance, so much so that He doesn't always have to use a heavy hand in order to keep me in control. The best part is is that I feel like we're on the same side, always. It's us together in everything and I know that we're going exactly where we need to go, together.
I think the key to how well this has worked out is that we let these roles, the rules and our whole dynamic emerge organically. We didn't have a blueprint from the established S&M scene or anyone else's relationship as a model of how to do things. I'm sure there are examples out there on the internet, where there is invariably always someone to tell you that their way is the "true" way. But we've done it on our own and managed to find our own way. It might not work for anyone else, so please don't take this as advice. We were inexperienced coming into this, so our lack of expectations helped us; obviously, an experienced person would be frustrated with some of the bumbling and false starts to be disappointing.
I'm feeling unbelievably optimistic today, which is funny because I've used this blog so much as a place to air my negative feelings. But the thing is: I know now that we He says that He'll own me forever, that He means it and that it is possible. It is possible. At this point, anything is possible.
Safe
"You feel very cared for right now, don't you?," He asked. We stood in the aisle of the grocery store, semi-oblivious to the shoppers around us. He was helping me with a health issue that had come up, something that I tried (and failed) to handle on my own.
I nodded and continued to clutch his hand in both of mine. He led me toward the checkout, steering the cart with one hand and letting me cling to the other.
"Kitten, Kitten, Kitten...what am I going to do with you?," He teased gently as I nuzzled my face against his shoulder in the checkout line.
"Keep me?," I asked quietly with a smile on my face.
"Yes, I think I'll keep you," He said and pulled me closer.
I nodded and continued to clutch his hand in both of mine. He led me toward the checkout, steering the cart with one hand and letting me cling to the other.
"Kitten, Kitten, Kitten...what am I going to do with you?," He teased gently as I nuzzled my face against his shoulder in the checkout line.
"Keep me?," I asked quietly with a smile on my face.
"Yes, I think I'll keep you," He said and pulled me closer.
Love is...
Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. I don't pay this particular holiday much attention since every day is a celebration of the love between my Owner and I, but I have been reflecting on the nature of love lately.
I recently read one person's definitive statement of what love is. It was a narrow definition and didn't describe my experience at all. And it excluded all of the other types of love that I feel in my life - the love that I have for my family, friends, old lovers, and all those who I may love in some capacity in the future as my relationship grows.
But the love for my Owner...that is the most difficult to describe because there is so much there. Just off the top of my head, I would describe our love the following ways:
I recently read one person's definitive statement of what love is. It was a narrow definition and didn't describe my experience at all. And it excluded all of the other types of love that I feel in my life - the love that I have for my family, friends, old lovers, and all those who I may love in some capacity in the future as my relationship grows.
But the love for my Owner...that is the most difficult to describe because there is so much there. Just off the top of my head, I would describe our love the following ways:
- Our love is accepting each other as we are.
- Our love is giving ourselves completely in order to please each other.
- Our love is great sacrifice, knowing that everything we give will be returned a hundred-fold.
- Our love is opening our minds and hearts to experiences that will let us grow together.
- Our love is not giving up, no matter how flawed we may be.
- Our love is devotion and security, even if it looks like control.
- Our love is pain, taking and receiving, recognizing our need to have pain in our lives, and the trust that is required to experience that pain.
- Our love is seeing each other, even the ugly parts of ourselves, and truly embracing all parts of each other.
- Our love is caring for each other every day and making sure that the other's needs are forefront in our minds.
- Our love is respect in our words, actions and attitudes toward each other.
- Our love is expecting each other to be only exactly as we are and sacrificing any preconceived notions of an ideal partner.
- Our love is loving each other more than anything, even as we share parts of ourselves with others.
I invite you to define your love - for anyone and everyone in your life - in the comments. Happy Valentine's Day!
Forever and Ever
"I'm never happier than when I'm next to you," He whispered.
"Me either," I sighed as I held Him closer. "I hope it's like this forever."
"I want that more than anything."
"Me either," I sighed as I held Him closer. "I hope it's like this forever."
"I want that more than anything."
Faults
I am impatient. I have been my whole life. I don't want to seem like I'm skirting responsibility, but I learned from the best. My mother is the most impatient person that I know. I can't tell you how often she snaps my father's name, as if he were the cause of all of her problems. The poor man. He is so quiet and can never catch a break, not in 40 years of marriage.
Anyway, back to me...I'm impatient. I used to have a roaring temper, but now I am merely occasionally short-tempered. I tend to get lost in my moods and forget that everyone else isn't ruled by the ill wind. I can be petty and argumentative and childish. I can be frustratingly blunt. I can really put my foot in it. I can be short-sighted and give up too easily. I can be needlessly rebellious. I can be rigid, and at times I can be careless with the rules. I can be over-sensitive and I cry too easily. I am excitable and easily distracted. I am difficult to live with. I am too hard on myself.
I am all of these things. These are my faults and I keep a daily running tally of them. I see them all the time. But Him? He thinks I'm perfect. He thinks everything I do is perfectly adorable, from the way that I excitably greet him on the phone ("HI! Hi Daddy! Hi!"), to the fact that I still drink milk every night with dinner, to the way that I hum while I brush my teeth, to the holes in my socks. Even through all of my failures and my faults, of which there are many and which crush me daily like a lead weight, he loves me completely and thinks the world of me.
There are times when I am sure that he is going to give up on me, or at least start to be a little less than 100% charmed by everything I do, but that never happens. Not even now, after 16 months together, has his ardor faded. How is that possible? I've had longer relationships, but never one where the lovey-dovey phase lasted this long or where we didn't start getting on each others' nerves to some extent. I wonder if we will always be this way.
I hope we will always be this way.
Anyway, back to me...I'm impatient. I used to have a roaring temper, but now I am merely occasionally short-tempered. I tend to get lost in my moods and forget that everyone else isn't ruled by the ill wind. I can be petty and argumentative and childish. I can be frustratingly blunt. I can really put my foot in it. I can be short-sighted and give up too easily. I can be needlessly rebellious. I can be rigid, and at times I can be careless with the rules. I can be over-sensitive and I cry too easily. I am excitable and easily distracted. I am difficult to live with. I am too hard on myself.
I am all of these things. These are my faults and I keep a daily running tally of them. I see them all the time. But Him? He thinks I'm perfect. He thinks everything I do is perfectly adorable, from the way that I excitably greet him on the phone ("HI! Hi Daddy! Hi!"), to the fact that I still drink milk every night with dinner, to the way that I hum while I brush my teeth, to the holes in my socks. Even through all of my failures and my faults, of which there are many and which crush me daily like a lead weight, he loves me completely and thinks the world of me.
There are times when I am sure that he is going to give up on me, or at least start to be a little less than 100% charmed by everything I do, but that never happens. Not even now, after 16 months together, has his ardor faded. How is that possible? I've had longer relationships, but never one where the lovey-dovey phase lasted this long or where we didn't start getting on each others' nerves to some extent. I wonder if we will always be this way.
I hope we will always be this way.
Love
I haven't been posting here. I apologize. I've been trying to live outside my head for a while, but you know how difficult that can be. I had to come back here to be with you and to talk over those things that only you and I understand. It is so isolating sometimes. I tried to share a part of myself with a close friend recently and it went very badly, so I have retreated. I know that no one understands except you reading here and blogging out there about this life.
This is mostly my fault because I cannot explain this to myself, let alone someone else. Like, how do you put this kind of love into words when you don't even understand what this kind of love is to begin with? Sometimes I think that it isn't love at all, that it is just control and anger and hatred dressed up as something else. It isn't care and protection. Sometimes it is just power for power's sake. How can hurting me so badly, emotionally, serve any end other than to show me how much He hates me? Why else would he do this to me?
I am going on a trip in a few months and it has already been decided that my suitcase will be inspected and He has already made it known that I am not trusted by myself on this trip. That may not seem like a big deal to any of you, but it seems like an intrusion and a declaration that I am not a competent adult who cannot be on her own without suspicion. It's not a test. It just is. I can choose to leave if I don't want to put up with it, but who throws away their whole life based on one thing like that? But that's where they get you...it is one thing today and tomorrow it is another thing and before you know it, your whole life is under siege. Then you look back and wonder where you made the decision to stay and you see that did it every day in a million little ways and that you didn't understand where it was going. And I don't see how that can be love. It seems like something else.
Of all of the things that got me into this, the emotional control is the part I understood the least. I didn't expect it and I didn't see how it tied into the sexual control or ownership or any of that. I am still at a loss to understand it even now, even after it has become the predominant force is my life. I know that I crave it on some level. I can feel it deep in my stomach, that sort of swooping sensation when he puts his hand on my neck and tells me that he owns me. I know that's the desire for control, or maybe the fear of it that gets crossed with desire. There are a lot of crossed wires in my head.
I know that he craves it too. He craves the brutality just like I do, although I think he fears it a great deal less. The other night I was airing some grievance with him and I was speaking a little more forcefully than was appropriate. I could see the burning in his eyes and I quickly stopped. Later he told me that he wanted to hit me so hard in that moment and I immediately felt an electric charge shoot between us. We both wanted it, but if he had actually hit me in that moment? It would have destroyed me and I would have felt an unbelievable sense of betrayal. I know, because it has happened before. There is confusion about destruction for the purpose of rebuilding me and destruction for its own sake. What happens when they look the same from my position on the floor?
He scares me so much sometimes that I wonder about his motivations. He scares me the most those times when he lets up on me suddenly, when he stops the pain and the cruelty, and he draws me into him. I am still scared and defiant and fighting, I want to push him away, but I am out of strength. I collapse on him and start to cry and he comforts me and I wonder, what kind of love is this?
This is mostly my fault because I cannot explain this to myself, let alone someone else. Like, how do you put this kind of love into words when you don't even understand what this kind of love is to begin with? Sometimes I think that it isn't love at all, that it is just control and anger and hatred dressed up as something else. It isn't care and protection. Sometimes it is just power for power's sake. How can hurting me so badly, emotionally, serve any end other than to show me how much He hates me? Why else would he do this to me?
I am going on a trip in a few months and it has already been decided that my suitcase will be inspected and He has already made it known that I am not trusted by myself on this trip. That may not seem like a big deal to any of you, but it seems like an intrusion and a declaration that I am not a competent adult who cannot be on her own without suspicion. It's not a test. It just is. I can choose to leave if I don't want to put up with it, but who throws away their whole life based on one thing like that? But that's where they get you...it is one thing today and tomorrow it is another thing and before you know it, your whole life is under siege. Then you look back and wonder where you made the decision to stay and you see that did it every day in a million little ways and that you didn't understand where it was going. And I don't see how that can be love. It seems like something else.
Of all of the things that got me into this, the emotional control is the part I understood the least. I didn't expect it and I didn't see how it tied into the sexual control or ownership or any of that. I am still at a loss to understand it even now, even after it has become the predominant force is my life. I know that I crave it on some level. I can feel it deep in my stomach, that sort of swooping sensation when he puts his hand on my neck and tells me that he owns me. I know that's the desire for control, or maybe the fear of it that gets crossed with desire. There are a lot of crossed wires in my head.
I know that he craves it too. He craves the brutality just like I do, although I think he fears it a great deal less. The other night I was airing some grievance with him and I was speaking a little more forcefully than was appropriate. I could see the burning in his eyes and I quickly stopped. Later he told me that he wanted to hit me so hard in that moment and I immediately felt an electric charge shoot between us. We both wanted it, but if he had actually hit me in that moment? It would have destroyed me and I would have felt an unbelievable sense of betrayal. I know, because it has happened before. There is confusion about destruction for the purpose of rebuilding me and destruction for its own sake. What happens when they look the same from my position on the floor?
He scares me so much sometimes that I wonder about his motivations. He scares me the most those times when he lets up on me suddenly, when he stops the pain and the cruelty, and he draws me into him. I am still scared and defiant and fighting, I want to push him away, but I am out of strength. I collapse on him and start to cry and he comforts me and I wonder, what kind of love is this?
Deep
He was above me, deep inside me. My legs were wrapped around his waist. He was looking down at me, holding my head still with both hands. His fingers were wound in my hair. For a time, He didn't say anything. He just moved slowly inside me and looked deep into me.
He leaned down closer until he was inches from my face. "It's time, Kitten," he said softly, pausing to brush the hair out of my eyes. "It's time to give yourself over to me completely. No holding back anything now, you have to give me everything."
I felt the tears prick at my eyes. I tried to shake them away, but he held me still.
"Let the tears come. It's time to give me everything you have. Let go, Kitten," he whispered. We were still moving together, but the sex was almost secondary at that point. We were moving together on a whole other level. It was almost spiritual, two beings fused together, orbiting around each other, dancing in harmony out in space.
"Everything," as he locked his hands around my neck. I floated up with Him, up, up. I took one deep breath and felt him press down on me but I was light as air. I held on to Him as he pulled me away, His lips on my face, drying my tears, tasting me, wringing them out of me.
I don't remember what happened next. We came down together, we must have because here we are, walking the earth with everyone else. I don't remember everything he said or much of what I did, but I remember words of great meaning and promises of forever. I asked Him later if He meant what he said, not sure what I was asking for. Maybe reassurance that he had felt the same soul-shifting connection that I had. He nodded with what I thought for a moment were tears in his eyes.
"Everything, Kitten. I meant everything."
He leaned down closer until he was inches from my face. "It's time, Kitten," he said softly, pausing to brush the hair out of my eyes. "It's time to give yourself over to me completely. No holding back anything now, you have to give me everything."
I felt the tears prick at my eyes. I tried to shake them away, but he held me still.
"Let the tears come. It's time to give me everything you have. Let go, Kitten," he whispered. We were still moving together, but the sex was almost secondary at that point. We were moving together on a whole other level. It was almost spiritual, two beings fused together, orbiting around each other, dancing in harmony out in space.
"Everything," as he locked his hands around my neck. I floated up with Him, up, up. I took one deep breath and felt him press down on me but I was light as air. I held on to Him as he pulled me away, His lips on my face, drying my tears, tasting me, wringing them out of me.
I don't remember what happened next. We came down together, we must have because here we are, walking the earth with everyone else. I don't remember everything he said or much of what I did, but I remember words of great meaning and promises of forever. I asked Him later if He meant what he said, not sure what I was asking for. Maybe reassurance that he had felt the same soul-shifting connection that I had. He nodded with what I thought for a moment were tears in his eyes.
"Everything, Kitten. I meant everything."
Ownership/Relationship
He is not my boyfriend. He is my owner. I must keep telling myself that. I forget that I cannot act the same way with Him as I acted with my other boyfriends. Whatever his failings as an owner and a partner, I cannot respond the same way.
I cannot respond to the disappointments - which, for the record, are the result of my own unrealistic expectations of a person that He cannot be - like I usually would. I cannot stockpile my resentments and take them out on him through other means. I cannot use my hurt feelings as an excuse for my misbehavior. And I have misbehaved. I am paying the price for that and it is not pretty. It should not have happened like this.
He gives me the space to be upset at him. He does not want to brush things under the rug. I must feel out that space, live in it with my anger and grow out of it. I must be honest about my feelings within the framework that He has set up. I cannot go outside the lines with my feelings because I have no power there. That way lies danger and betrayal and more hurt, the kind of hurt that cannot ever be exorcised.
I cannot respond to the disappointments - which, for the record, are the result of my own unrealistic expectations of a person that He cannot be - like I usually would. I cannot stockpile my resentments and take them out on him through other means. I cannot use my hurt feelings as an excuse for my misbehavior. And I have misbehaved. I am paying the price for that and it is not pretty. It should not have happened like this.
He gives me the space to be upset at him. He does not want to brush things under the rug. I must feel out that space, live in it with my anger and grow out of it. I must be honest about my feelings within the framework that He has set up. I cannot go outside the lines with my feelings because I have no power there. That way lies danger and betrayal and more hurt, the kind of hurt that cannot ever be exorcised.
Writing About Writing
I hate this blog sometimes. It can be a lot of pressure. As I come up on a year of posting in this space, I find myself sick of much of what I've written. Some of it seems naive or too serious or too small for this journey that I've been on. It seems like nothing has been accomplished, nothing accomplished at all. I find new submissive blogs every week - well-written blogs authored by talented women - and I can barely bring myself to read them. It's disheartening for me because I used to think of submissive blogs as my lifeline and now...I can't do it. It all seems so repetitive. Are any of us unique in any way? Or are we all isolated in the same experience?
The one goal I have had over the past year is to present my submission unvarnished. There is an ugly side to submission, one borne out of great ambivalence and grief, that exists alongside all of the joyous self-discovery. I've tried not to shy away from that. Even when things were perfect, I never wanted to paint submission as a completely selfless or blissfully transcendent experience. Indeed, that honesty has probably turned off as many readers as it has attracted. It has garnered me many concerned e-mails and comments. Many of you think that I am being abused.
I am sick of fighting that fight. I am sick of justifying and explaining. Maybe I am being abused. Maybe I am complicit in my own abuse, or brainwashed, or deluded. Maybe I am so fucked up that I endure in this relationship that sends up red flags for many of you. Maybe you disagree, and see yourselves in me.
I don't know where to go from here. I've stopped struggling lately. I've let go of a lot of the hang-ups that kept me hung up in the early months and have let Him take me wherever he wants. I don't know if we're going anywhere in particular. Lately we've been swimming in circles. Things don't seem overwhelming and it feels a bit like a relief. We're enjoying this plateau we've reached and I'm not worried about the future or the past. Sometimes I forget the D/s dynamic entirely - it fades into the background even though it's always there - and sometimes it seems almost vanilla in its lack of edge. I like it that way. Maybe we don't need to go anywhere right now. Maybe we just need to live.
My past writing is an unwelcome reminder of all that needless struggle. At this point, I wonder what it was all about. I read all these submissives who are just starting on their journeys and I can't help but feel sad for all of the tears and pain that they will go through before the normalcy sets in. It may seem new and groundbreaking now, but soon they'll all be here, looking back and feeling like it was all for naught. They're exactly where they started.
The one goal I have had over the past year is to present my submission unvarnished. There is an ugly side to submission, one borne out of great ambivalence and grief, that exists alongside all of the joyous self-discovery. I've tried not to shy away from that. Even when things were perfect, I never wanted to paint submission as a completely selfless or blissfully transcendent experience. Indeed, that honesty has probably turned off as many readers as it has attracted. It has garnered me many concerned e-mails and comments. Many of you think that I am being abused.
I am sick of fighting that fight. I am sick of justifying and explaining. Maybe I am being abused. Maybe I am complicit in my own abuse, or brainwashed, or deluded. Maybe I am so fucked up that I endure in this relationship that sends up red flags for many of you. Maybe you disagree, and see yourselves in me.
I don't know where to go from here. I've stopped struggling lately. I've let go of a lot of the hang-ups that kept me hung up in the early months and have let Him take me wherever he wants. I don't know if we're going anywhere in particular. Lately we've been swimming in circles. Things don't seem overwhelming and it feels a bit like a relief. We're enjoying this plateau we've reached and I'm not worried about the future or the past. Sometimes I forget the D/s dynamic entirely - it fades into the background even though it's always there - and sometimes it seems almost vanilla in its lack of edge. I like it that way. Maybe we don't need to go anywhere right now. Maybe we just need to live.
My past writing is an unwelcome reminder of all that needless struggle. At this point, I wonder what it was all about. I read all these submissives who are just starting on their journeys and I can't help but feel sad for all of the tears and pain that they will go through before the normalcy sets in. It may seem new and groundbreaking now, but soon they'll all be here, looking back and feeling like it was all for naught. They're exactly where they started.
Anniversary
This weekend, we celebrated our anniversary. It was the anniversary of our first date, not the start of our exclusive relationship or even when I started thinking of Him as my Owner. But the meaning was the same. We both knew that we were celebrating the year that we spent together and all that we have experienced. I could go back through the archives here and dredge up all of the milestones that I have reached and surpassed over this year, but I don't want to spend time looking backward. I already feel how far we have come together and I don't want to dwell on thinking about a time that I can no longer imagine.
Our weekend was quiet and wonderful. We spent 90% of it alone together, just talking and cuddling and exploring each others' bodies. It's amazing that there are new ways for Him to touch me, even after all of this time. The look in his eyes as he moves toward me still takes my breath away. I laid in his arms and felt the world fall away from me. I slept next to him, curled up against his back. It was all so ordinary and extraordinary at the same time.
The kinky details don't really matter at a time like this. This weekend was notable, not for the lack of kink, but how seamlessly that kink is part of who we are on a day-to-day basis. It wasn't surprising when he folded his hand over my mouth to stifle my screams or scratched his nails down my back. It was normal. After each time we had sex, we still curled up together and touched noses, cooing "I love you" in the dusky darkness of his bedroom.
I'm looking forward to this next year and all that we have to experience together. And I am looking forward to sharing it all with you!
Our weekend was quiet and wonderful. We spent 90% of it alone together, just talking and cuddling and exploring each others' bodies. It's amazing that there are new ways for Him to touch me, even after all of this time. The look in his eyes as he moves toward me still takes my breath away. I laid in his arms and felt the world fall away from me. I slept next to him, curled up against his back. It was all so ordinary and extraordinary at the same time.
The kinky details don't really matter at a time like this. This weekend was notable, not for the lack of kink, but how seamlessly that kink is part of who we are on a day-to-day basis. It wasn't surprising when he folded his hand over my mouth to stifle my screams or scratched his nails down my back. It was normal. After each time we had sex, we still curled up together and touched noses, cooing "I love you" in the dusky darkness of his bedroom.
I'm looking forward to this next year and all that we have to experience together. And I am looking forward to sharing it all with you!
Embrace
After I collapsed onto the bed, He pulled me tightly against him. My cheek was pressed into his chest and I wrapped myself around the length of him, intertwining my legs with his.
My breath eventually returned to normal and I came back to earth in his arms. He kissed the top of my head and whispered in my ear. I don't remember what he said, except that his words made me feel safe and protected.
My breath eventually returned to normal and I came back to earth in his arms. He kissed the top of my head and whispered in my ear. I don't remember what he said, except that his words made me feel safe and protected.
We were quiet as we started kissing again, tentatively at first. Our kisses grew more urgent and we were both moaning softly. He pulled my right leg over his hip and slid into my still-wet pussy with a quiet sigh.
We rocked together, not speaking but looking right into each others' eyes. Somehow, he managed to tuck my left leg underneath him while we remained on our sides. He stayed inside me the entire time, moving in and out of me in a dreamy rhythm. He stroked my hair and held me close, kissing me more insistently as my moans grew louder. I could feel myself ready to come, I could feel him deep inside me, I could feel the love in his eyes and his hands. There were just so many emotions. I was overwhelmed with him all around me.
He tucked his head close against my neck and bit into my shoulder gently. I held onto his back and wondered if there was any way that we would fuse together. We were so close. We could just stop being two people. We were so connected.
We came together, like two beings breathing in and out of each others' lungs. We stayed together for a long time after that, not wanting to separate. Not wanting the break the circuit of electricity. Never wanting to be apart.
Neck
I approach Him from behind. He sits at the table facing away from me. He is preoccupied by what he is reading. He is not paying attention to me right now.
I creep up behind him, slowly. I pause for a moment to stare at the back of his neck above his collar. I am drawn to this exposed piece of skin.
I lean down and gently brush my lips against the back of his neck. He shudders, raising his shoulders slightly before sighing and leaning back against me. I snake my arms around his shoulders and bury my face in the back of his neck.
As I nuzzle his neck, I breathe him in. I take deep breaths and hold his scent in my nose for as long as I can. I want to remember his scent, I want to carry it with me when I have to go out into the world without him.
He touches my arms lightly and brings me around to sit on his lap. I sink against him as he sighs, "My little Kitten." I rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes as he cradles me in his arms.
I am not sleepy, but I find myself drifting away as he rocks me back and forth in his arms. We are quiet, for the moment.
I creep up behind him, slowly. I pause for a moment to stare at the back of his neck above his collar. I am drawn to this exposed piece of skin.
I lean down and gently brush my lips against the back of his neck. He shudders, raising his shoulders slightly before sighing and leaning back against me. I snake my arms around his shoulders and bury my face in the back of his neck.
As I nuzzle his neck, I breathe him in. I take deep breaths and hold his scent in my nose for as long as I can. I want to remember his scent, I want to carry it with me when I have to go out into the world without him.
He touches my arms lightly and brings me around to sit on his lap. I sink against him as he sighs, "My little Kitten." I rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes as he cradles me in his arms.
I am not sleepy, but I find myself drifting away as he rocks me back and forth in his arms. We are quiet, for the moment.
What I Lost
What part of me thought that, just as He brought me to my knees and made me more vulnerable than ever, after I opened myself up to him, he would back away and leave me be? A very stupid part of me must have thought that. I can be quite a foolish girl sometimes.
He didn't back off. What kind of owner would he be if he didn't exploit that opportunity to break down my last defenses? He is a very good owner, so I suppose I just answered my own question.
The unfair thing was that I was fragile going into that day. I hadn't gotten over the events of the previous weekend. I was still feeling a little off-kilter. I don't often fantasize about sweet, languorous romantic sex, but that was really all I was ready for that day. I didn't feel that incredible aching need to be hurt, to be obliterated. I needed to be held and cradled and babied.
But, I don't know if you've noticed, I don't get a choice anymore. No, that's not exactly right - sometimes he gives me a choice, but I don't have the right to one. He was going hard on me that day and most of it was psychological. My perfect weakness.
I started thinking about everything that had changed in my life since we started and about all those things that had changed within me. I had lost so much.
That girl that I used to be, the one who would walk down the street with her head held high but who was certain that everyone was judging her (and that she came up short in everyone's estimation), that girl was gone. She was always scared and she was defensive and she was brittle and she was mean. But she was safe. No one could get close enough to touch her.
I missed her so suddenly, so acutely. Why had he destroyed her? She was flawed, but she was mine. She protected me. She had been with me through so much.
She was a liar and a fraud, but at least she didn't owe anything to anyone. She lied to Him in the beginning because it wasn't like he was going to love me anyway. She didn't think that love was possible, not for me, not after everything. She was looking after herself. Love, the possibility of real love didn't matter.
She knew there were ugly things about me, things so foul that he would leave me if he found out. She knew that I was a terrible person and she knew that I didn't deserve even the most fleeting moments of happiness.
God, she hated me so much. She was the one that cut me and told me that I was worthless. She sabotaged everything that I ever did because she thought she had to hurt me before anyone else did. She was just trying to help me. She didn't know that she was the problem all along.
Losing her had been the hardest thing in my whole life. All of those breakups and heartaches were nothing compared to this. Now that I think about it, how much of that pain had been her fault in the first place? She had blinded me to so much for so long. It was time for her to go.
So what is left? Vulnerability and exposure and risk - of losing and being left, certainly. But also closeness and intimacy and growth. Trust, trusting Him with my life and trusting myself. No more sabotage and no more lying for cover. No more dishonesty. No more hate.
And a different kind of strength, one that still lets me walk down the street with my head held high. But now I don't care who's looking and whether they're judging me. Just let them. I know who I am. He loves me. And I deserve every bit of that love.
He didn't back off. What kind of owner would he be if he didn't exploit that opportunity to break down my last defenses? He is a very good owner, so I suppose I just answered my own question.
The unfair thing was that I was fragile going into that day. I hadn't gotten over the events of the previous weekend. I was still feeling a little off-kilter. I don't often fantasize about sweet, languorous romantic sex, but that was really all I was ready for that day. I didn't feel that incredible aching need to be hurt, to be obliterated. I needed to be held and cradled and babied.
But, I don't know if you've noticed, I don't get a choice anymore. No, that's not exactly right - sometimes he gives me a choice, but I don't have the right to one. He was going hard on me that day and most of it was psychological. My perfect weakness.
I started thinking about everything that had changed in my life since we started and about all those things that had changed within me. I had lost so much.
That girl that I used to be, the one who would walk down the street with her head held high but who was certain that everyone was judging her (and that she came up short in everyone's estimation), that girl was gone. She was always scared and she was defensive and she was brittle and she was mean. But she was safe. No one could get close enough to touch her.
I missed her so suddenly, so acutely. Why had he destroyed her? She was flawed, but she was mine. She protected me. She had been with me through so much.
She was a liar and a fraud, but at least she didn't owe anything to anyone. She lied to Him in the beginning because it wasn't like he was going to love me anyway. She didn't think that love was possible, not for me, not after everything. She was looking after herself. Love, the possibility of real love didn't matter.
She knew there were ugly things about me, things so foul that he would leave me if he found out. She knew that I was a terrible person and she knew that I didn't deserve even the most fleeting moments of happiness.
God, she hated me so much. She was the one that cut me and told me that I was worthless. She sabotaged everything that I ever did because she thought she had to hurt me before anyone else did. She was just trying to help me. She didn't know that she was the problem all along.
Losing her had been the hardest thing in my whole life. All of those breakups and heartaches were nothing compared to this. Now that I think about it, how much of that pain had been her fault in the first place? She had blinded me to so much for so long. It was time for her to go.
So what is left? Vulnerability and exposure and risk - of losing and being left, certainly. But also closeness and intimacy and growth. Trust, trusting Him with my life and trusting myself. No more sabotage and no more lying for cover. No more dishonesty. No more hate.
And a different kind of strength, one that still lets me walk down the street with my head held high. But now I don't care who's looking and whether they're judging me. Just let them. I know who I am. He loves me. And I deserve every bit of that love.
Light Sleeper
Dear Readers:
I will be away on a trip for the next two weeks, but fear not! I have some adventures that you haven't heard about yet. Please check back periodically for updates during this time.
Wish me safe travels and play nice while I'm gone!
A million stars were circling in the world above my head.
As I drifted back in memory to all the things we said.
Turning my attention to the pain that I denied,
It was never my intention, to ever say goodbye.
Maybe I could have changed, if only wisdom courted me,
and not this fear and shame.
The ties that bind and bless the soul, that bind me up in chains,
Your love cuts through my weakened heart and memories twist the blade
I thought of you and nothing more; I needed nothing else.
I cried the day you left me.
I never should have allowed myself to feel this way.
I wonder where you sleep at night; I wonder where you've been
I envy all your family, I envy all your friends.
I believe the ancient promises, I believe that I am free.
But love comes as a great offense, like innocence betrayed.
I don't think you'll recognize me on the other side of day.
But I've never felt this way.
I feel this deep down trembling, and the earth beneath my feet
Shakes the great foundation, and I awaken from my sleep.
I trust my life to providence, I trust my life to grace.
But nothing takes away the pain, I can't forget your face.
Somewhere in this world of shadow, blood and bone,
I struggle through the day to day, I brace against the storm.
Thoughts of you pursue me, like an overwhelming tide.
Something in the air tonight, it will do no good to hide.
Cause it feels, oh God, the world's on fire.
Night after night, like a fever it burns.
I deprive myself of feeling, both a blessing and a curse,
A love that can't be likened to a single thing on earth.
Maybe I'll see better when the storm inside has burst.
Maybe I'll see better when I see your face.
- Paul Schrader
I will be away on a trip for the next two weeks, but fear not! I have some adventures that you haven't heard about yet. Please check back periodically for updates during this time.
Wish me safe travels and play nice while I'm gone!
*****
A million stars were circling in the world above my head.
As I drifted back in memory to all the things we said.
Turning my attention to the pain that I denied,
It was never my intention, to ever say goodbye.
Maybe I could have changed, if only wisdom courted me,
and not this fear and shame.
The ties that bind and bless the soul, that bind me up in chains,
Your love cuts through my weakened heart and memories twist the blade
I thought of you and nothing more; I needed nothing else.
I cried the day you left me.
I never should have allowed myself to feel this way.
I wonder where you sleep at night; I wonder where you've been
I envy all your family, I envy all your friends.
I believe the ancient promises, I believe that I am free.
But love comes as a great offense, like innocence betrayed.
I don't think you'll recognize me on the other side of day.
But I've never felt this way.
I feel this deep down trembling, and the earth beneath my feet
Shakes the great foundation, and I awaken from my sleep.
I trust my life to providence, I trust my life to grace.
But nothing takes away the pain, I can't forget your face.
Somewhere in this world of shadow, blood and bone,
I struggle through the day to day, I brace against the storm.
Thoughts of you pursue me, like an overwhelming tide.
Something in the air tonight, it will do no good to hide.
Cause it feels, oh God, the world's on fire.
Night after night, like a fever it burns.
I deprive myself of feeling, both a blessing and a curse,
A love that can't be likened to a single thing on earth.
Maybe I'll see better when the storm inside has burst.
Maybe I'll see better when I see your face.
- Paul Schrader
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