He is not my boyfriend. He is my owner. I must keep telling myself that. I forget that I cannot act the same way with Him as I acted with my other boyfriends. Whatever his failings as an owner and a partner, I cannot respond the same way.
I cannot respond to the disappointments - which, for the record, are the result of my own unrealistic expectations of a person that He cannot be - like I usually would. I cannot stockpile my resentments and take them out on him through other means. I cannot use my hurt feelings as an excuse for my misbehavior. And I have misbehaved. I am paying the price for that and it is not pretty. It should not have happened like this.
He gives me the space to be upset at him. He does not want to brush things under the rug. I must feel out that space, live in it with my anger and grow out of it. I must be honest about my feelings within the framework that He has set up. I cannot go outside the lines with my feelings because I have no power there. That way lies danger and betrayal and more hurt, the kind of hurt that cannot ever be exorcised.
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Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
- Rilke
D/s, from the inside.
This blog contains mature subject matter. Adults only, please.
I always appreciate your comments and e-mails. Thanks for reading!
I always appreciate your comments and e-mails. Thanks for reading!
About Me
- Kitten
- I am a submissive girl who loves to be dominated by her very devious, and sometimes gentle, man.
Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
- Rilke
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2 comments:
Sometimes I struggle to find the voice of honesty within my framework as well. It's not that I don't want to be honest, it's just that within our dynamic there is a place and a time for it that must constantly be obeyed.
"He is not my boyfriend. He is my owner." Striking difference and yes, very easy to forget. It's challenging to say the least.
Whatever the issue that caused your misbehavior was, I'm sure you'll get through it. Good luck.
I struggle with this all the time myself. Where's the line? What do I want him to be? Many times Sometimes the roles of girlfriend/boyfriend and slave/master overlap, but when they don't...
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