Threes

I mentioned this in my last post, but I'd like to talk a little more about our threesome with our new friend, H. We met her online, but we had talked to a lot of other people online before that and none of them had ever worked out. We had talked about a threesome with another woman for so long that we knew exactly how we wanted it to go, and we weren't willing to settle for an unsatisfactory experience with the wrong person.

We had even recently had a bad experience of our own. I don't want to go into it too deeply and dredge it all up again, but before we met H. we got together with a couple to play and...it did not work out. It caused a lot of tension and (momentary) jealousy between my Owner and I, although we were able to come through it. That experience taught us that we are strong together, strong enough to find the right person to play with, strong enough to weather the tough parts of having a somewhat open relationship. We found H. pretty quickly after that and decided that we needed to believe in our relationship and pursue things with her even though we had been burned recently.

Anyway, we immediately hit it off with H. We had fun e-mail and phone conversations with her, separately and together. The energy was perfect. We all wanted the same things out of the experience, and we loved that she seemed to be open-minded. I especially loved that she was coming to us with no agenda - she truly wanted to be with both of us and I didn't get the feeling that there was going to be any problem with my relationship with my Owner in any way.

The night we finally got together was truly amazing. We had the opportunity to do so many things that I had been fantasizing about for so long. Also? She is a great kisser and great with her tongue. (Oh, and did I mention that she has the most amazing boobs that I have ever seen? *swoon!*) The highlight, though, was watching my Owner fuck her. It was really unexpected for me, but that memory still gives me a thrill every time. Sharing Him with H. was everything that I thought it would be, and more. There's something about the fact that my Owner could control and satisfy both of us that makes Him seem so powerful and so sexy. Just knowing that He could please her in that way, and continue to please me beyond my expectations, makes me feel like such a lucky girl. I am more in awe of Him than ever.

Things have continued to be fun and drama-free with H. since then. We're hoping to get together again soon to do all of the things that we didn't get to do the first time around (and for a repeat of some of the highlights). Mostly importantly, my Owner and I are doing great and we're stronger every day.

Whys and wherfores

My friend and yours, the Discerning Dom, has written on the threesome from the male perspective, including why it's desirable to share your submissive with another man. I understand all of those reasons. I see them expressed by my Owner - He wants to feel that he can use me and own me so completely that I'll fuck another man for him, He wants me to express my inner slut for him, etc.

But why do I want to share Him with another woman? I feel it very strongly, but I cannot explain why. Remember the experience that we had this spring with that other couple? I didn't write about one part of that experience - the part where I sucked my Owner's cock with her. I was just about to start sucking His cock while the couple watched when I was overcome with the strongest feeling - I wanted to see her do it too. I wanted Him to feel that. I wanted to see His cock in her mouth. I wanted to share all of that with her and embrace them both in that moment.

I got my wish. I was so pleased to look up at one point and see my Owner reclining on the bed with his hands behind his head and this look of utter bliss on his face. He looked like the happiest man on earth.

And I have felt that desire many times since. We are about to embark on something new, possibly with someone we both can share. I want so many things with her and with Him, things that I want to see her enjoy with Him and ways that He can please me by pleasuring her. I cannot tease out all of the threads and understand why. I am happy that I feel this way because I think that it means that I'm growing into my relationship and comfortable with all of the ways that my Owner and I can explore our love for each other. (But there is a tiny part of me that thinks that my desires are fucked up and maybe wrong somehow.)

I know that part of it is simple - that I want to share Him just so I can experience his pleasure second-hand. That is part of it, surely, because I am nothing if not a people-pleaser. But I am usually also a jealous person and I would have expected that I would want to please Him myself, to know that I provide Him with the most pleasure in this world, not anyone else. But when push comes to shove, I'm not jealous. I'm generous and I want to share Him.

Why?

Encore

My Owner and I were pressed together, sweaty and hoarse from screaming.

No, it's not what you think. We were at an amazing concert. It lasted almost three hours and it was exhilarating. The crowd was rowdy and my Owner was working hard to protect me from getting stomped on. I'm barely 5'2", so I can get claustrophobic in crowds of tall people. But He put His arms around me and we were safe in the chaos together.

But not quite alone...

A few songs into the set, He started protecting this girl who was even shorter than me. I saw her in my peripheral vision at first and could see that she was cute. Black top, dark hair, sexy eyes. My Owner put out His arm to make sure she didn't get knocked over and she shot him a grateful smile. She stayed by us, dancing close. I saw her looking at me and at Him. Her hip and arm bumped mine as she danced close to me and she gave me little looks under her eyelashes.

I felt my breathing quicken every time she ground her hips against mine. None of us said anything - I was convinced for a while that I was imaging things, and so was my Owner - but after a while we could both feel the electric energy between the three of us. I cast around for something to say to her, something that would sound flirtatious when screamed over the loud music, but I didn't know what to say. How could I let her know that we thought she was cute and yes, we wanted her like she seemed to want us? It seemed like too complicated a concept to express.

So we just danced and looked at each other, little lingering looks that made me wet. My Owner snaked His arm around my waist and I kissed Him as she watched, wondering if she would like to kiss him too. It was pure fantasy, but I felt all the special possibilities opening up before me in that moment.

And I wonder where she is now.

The Room

She pulled my hand toward her and pressed it against her breastbone. I tilted my forehead toward hers and smiled shyly.

We were curled together in the middle of the big hotel room bed. Candles flickered all around us. It was late - what time was it again? I had lost track - and we were breathing together quietly. I was nearly naked, but I didn't notice.

"I know you're nervous," she whispered, "but you could kiss me sometime before it's time to go." She giggled and bit her lip. I laughed with her, propping my head up on my elbow. I brushed the hair back from her forehead. "Come here, you," I sighed, and I touched my lips to hers.

They were so soft, they made me melt. I remembered suddenly why I love women so much. (And the beautiful thing about them is that their soft lips are just the beginning.)

We kissed deeper and deeper, winding our hands in each others' hair. When our lips parted, we laid back against the pillows, touching hands.

"Do you think they're watching us?," I whispered.

"Definitely, but I'm not going to look," she laughed.

"What are you girls talking about over there?," He called playfully from his seat on the other side of the room.

"Girl talk?," her Master asked and the two men laughed.

We looked up and laughed as they came over to us. We kissed again.

Voluntary Reality

I have a rich fantasy life.

No, that's not exactly true. It's vivid, but it's not particularly varied. I've relied on the same masturbatory scenarios for years.

They are all similar, even in their difference. They all are semi-public. I am being used, sometimes harshly. I am exposed and humiliated. There is usually more than one person there. He is leading, but the others are faceless. Often there are hands touching and sensations without reason.

But almost always...more than one person there, either participating or watching.

I haven't sought this out. I don't go around trying to recreate these scenarios. They are in my head and they are safe, tucked away where I can control them.

He knows about these fantasies and he thinks that it is his job to fulfill them. Plus they suit his needs. He wants to see me shared and passed around. He needs to see that, for whatever reason. He wants to know that I made someone else moan like I make Him moan, and he gets pleasure out of just that idea. He is making this happen, even though I did not ask for it.

But I cannot now deny that I wanted this. I have thought about it for years. How can I say now that I don't want this? He has been there as I confessed these fantasies, he saw the physical evidence of my arousal. He knows.

Will I be able to perform the way that he wants? Will I be able to hold it together? It will just be sex, it won't be intimacy like with Him. How do I go back to just sex after more than a year of the closest, most intense physical connection I have ever had with one person? I know that I have been trained, I know how to shut off that part of me and focus on being what he wants. But putting theory into practice is something else entirely.

Bending

I'm trying to find a model for where we're going, where we've been heading over the past couple of months, but I'm coming up short. That's okay, I don't mind making my own path. It just seems to me that we're venturing away from traditional submission into something else.

When we started, I was focused on finding this path through the quiet, through meekness and through humility. He wore me down a lot, roughly molding me into shape and into submission. His focus was quieting the screaming voices in my head and replacing them with His voice. I hear him now all the time, even when He isn't speaking. We reached this place of solitude together and it is pure and dreamy and quiet.

Once we were there, He told me that he loved how trainable I am. He loved seeing the fire in my eyes and the struggle, and then gradually the acceptance. He loved that I thought that no one could tame me, but he always could. He loved the clearness in my eyes.

So after he could focus me, he started training me for something else. He started making me a whore - that's the only way I can describe it. Remember those moments where I came out strong, eyes flashing for him, when I took a bit of control and let myself run wild? That's often what he wants to see now.

He talks about putting the regular me away and letting that wild girl come out. Sometimes I struggle against it, but he usually manages to make her emerge anyway. The scary part is that I do things in that state and I couldn't even imagine otherwise. He tells me that sometimes my eyes are glazed over like I am somewhere else, like I am someone else. I guess that I am.

I fuck him like he wants to be fucked, performing for him and doing whatever he wants. It is still a form of submission, in a way. But it is much less violent and much more coercive. He talks to me throughout, and I have to act the way that he wants or else.

Recently, He's talked a lot about sharing me. He talks about showing another man what I can do and how good I am. He pretends that he is the other man and makes me show him all of the things that I would do. He wants to watch me with the other man and if I'm good, he'll let me alone with the other man so I can do whatever I want. But I have to be a good girl and please the other man and tell Daddy all about it when I get home. It is so convoluted that sometimes I wonder who we really are, who I really am.

I know that He's getting ready to whore me out to someone else. There are e-mails and conversations that I am not a part of. I know that this is love, but I have a hard time finding it. I don't understand why this is the form that we are taking. I want so much to please Him and I will go wherever he sends me. There is a part of me that would love this, the wrongness of it, but I know that I would never pursue this on my own. This is an instance where, without training, I would keep this in the realm of fantasy. I suppose that is why He is working so hard to mold me into this girl. I just wonder who I'll be when he's done.