Writing About Writing

I hate this blog sometimes. It can be a lot of pressure. As I come up on a year of posting in this space, I find myself sick of much of what I've written. Some of it seems naive or too serious or too small for this journey that I've been on. It seems like nothing has been accomplished, nothing accomplished at all. I find new submissive blogs every week - well-written blogs authored by talented women - and I can barely bring myself to read them. It's disheartening for me because I used to think of submissive blogs as my lifeline and now...I can't do it. It all seems so repetitive. Are any of us unique in any way? Or are we all isolated in the same experience?

The one goal I have had over the past year is to present my submission unvarnished. There is an ugly side to submission, one borne out of great ambivalence and grief, that exists alongside all of the joyous self-discovery. I've tried not to shy away from that. Even when things were perfect, I never wanted to paint submission as a completely selfless or blissfully transcendent experience. Indeed, that honesty has probably turned off as many readers as it has attracted. It has garnered me many concerned e-mails and comments. Many of you think that I am being abused.

I am sick of fighting that fight. I am sick of justifying and explaining. Maybe I am being abused. Maybe I am complicit in my own abuse, or brainwashed, or deluded. Maybe I am so fucked up that I endure in this relationship that sends up red flags for many of you. Maybe you disagree, and see yourselves in me.

I don't know where to go from here. I've stopped struggling lately. I've let go of a lot of the hang-ups that kept me hung up in the early months and have let Him take me wherever he wants. I don't know if we're going anywhere in particular. Lately we've been swimming in circles. Things don't seem overwhelming and it feels a bit like a relief. We're enjoying this plateau we've reached and I'm not worried about the future or the past. Sometimes I forget the D/s dynamic entirely - it fades into the background even though it's always there - and sometimes it seems almost vanilla in its lack of edge. I like it that way. Maybe we don't need to go anywhere right now. Maybe we just need to live.

My past writing is an unwelcome reminder of all that needless struggle. At this point, I wonder what it was all about. I read all these submissives who are just starting on their journeys and I can't help but feel sad for all of the tears and pain that they will go through before the normalcy sets in. It may seem new and groundbreaking now, but soon they'll all be here, looking back and feeling like it was all for naught. They're exactly where they started.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I for one appreciate your unvarnished truth. It helps me understand a little of what goes in my subs mind.

James

Deity said...

I can understand the pressure with regards constantly providing new and interesting things for others to read. But that's where i fell into a trap. The original reason i started my online journal wasn't so that i could write for others, but so i could write for myself in the interactive forum that blogging presents.

My advice (because, you know, you asked for it, apparently) is write about things that interest you. Complete strangers will never know what it's like to be in your shoes, so the best concern they could show you is to allow your voice to continue to express in the manner you need most.

Jessica said...

I don't think you need to justify what you write. It's your journal. There were many posts that seemed sad and as if you're struggling. I don't know if that's abuse as much as confusion you're having over your choices and lifestyle. It is confusing to opt for a non standard path for yourslef, but in the end, is it what makes you happy? Submission is so different to each person . You just need to figure out what works for you. Throw out the things you don't like and keep the things you do.

I don't know why people would be so worried about abuse with you. Your posts seem a lot tamer than many others out there! :-)
-Jess

Anonymous said...

I don't think that it was all for naught. I think you had to go about writing, getting all excited and wondering if you were any different or all alone or if it was weird what you were going through if only to realize one year on that it wasn't that big a deal and everything you previously wrote wasn't sufficient or was superficial or something. You had to go through that to get here. I think writing is a very personal thing though no matter how anonymous you try to remain. You just have to write for yourself instead of others. What you could do is start a new blog or something where you write new stuff, personal stuff. Things that matter to you at this point of your life now a year has passed. Perspective changes.

Anonymous said...

i dont think it sounds liek your happy...your last four or so posts have been abit different theres been a change of tone. I have enjoyed your blog imensely allthough it always it upsets me as it reminds me of the past. I truely think yours is one of the best blogs out there.

Anonymous said...

I would be especially peeved if I had a year's worth of blogging and someone mistook my words as abuse.
---

Circles, circles...
perfection. completeness. immortality. wholeness.

And damn exhausting sometimes...

but this isn't about the 'less positive note' of a circle's indicative monotony and endless repetition. If you truly felt this was a vicious circle, knowing you through your words, you would find a way to break the cycle. But again, this isn't a vicious circle. From the moment you two met, you were well-protected. He came your way and fulfilled your natural desire to submit. You are letting down your defenses and are not being so overly-guarded.

A perfect circle isn't drawn out for any of us.

Continute to let your heart run wild in the healthy manner that you have been. It works for you. Obstacles and setbacks are endless and in the end, you will overcome these obstacles and find that your struggle was well worth it-- you're growing and learning about yourself through the instruction of another. You have integrity and such a high level of devotion that when your heart is dedicated to your mentor, your setting sun and Master, you ARE happiest and you ARE confident and comfortable with who you are.
---

This is your mind and you are the author of your story. We are the readers. You write, reflect and keep doing it. You don't have to explain [pardon my language] shit-- most of us reading your blog 'get it' and are not ignorant to mistake your wild/kinky/experimental bliss for abuse.

anonymous1

waiting4him said...

i always write for myself...my blog is a little over 2 yrs old and i have never thought any of it was for naught. Don't worry about what others read...write it for yourself, it is your journey, no one else's. Sorry you have been getting email and comments telling you, that you are being abused...fortunately i haven't gotten any of those.
Chin up

(((hugs)))
lc

Kitten said...

Thank you all for your comments. You have given me a lot to think about. But whatever your perspective, I am not stopping this now and I will continue to write here in some form or another.

Best,
Kitten