On Thanksgiving day, we stood in a gathering of boisterous relatives. We were a quiet island in the bustling kitchen as we leaned our heads together. I told him that I love him, but he ducked his head away.

"No," he whispered, "I'm a bad boyfriend."

"What? No, you're a wonderful boyfriend."

"No," he said with a bashful look on his face. "I abuse you." He was only half-serious, but there was a bit of truthful hurt behind his joking.

"You don't abuse me. You do nothing of the sort," I said as I touched his face. He gave me the most wounded smile.

"I hate your blog sometimes," he sighed.

I know how he feels about this blog. He does not read it, preferring to leave this space for my semi-private thoughts. But I do keep him updated about certain things that concern the blog, including some of the more negative comments and e-mails that I have received. The accusations of abuse weigh heavily upon him since he knows how much I enjoy our dynamic. He sees the fire in my eyes and the desire for the way he touches me and hurts me.

This blog his chronicled my journey, but it has been largely silent about his journey. He never owned anyone before me and this has been an experience of tremendous growth for him. He has taken on so much responsibility for my progress and development as a person, and not just as a submissive, that I think he has matured in a way as well.

He can be an impetuous person, often ruled by emotions. He can live inside his head at times and that can keep him disconnected from himself. But when he is with me, he is grounded. He comes back to earth, all that fire and emotion channeled into me. I see the best of him in me.

I don't idolize him or think of him as a god. He is not perfect and thank God for that. But I do love him more than I've ever loved anyone because of what I have seen in him over the past year. I have seen all of his dedication and determination in this relationship, as well as the soft under belly of his strength. I love him all the more for that.

I hate to see him hurt by this. He doesn't deserve that from me.

Later that Thanksgiving night, I laid next to him and cradled his head to my chest. I ran my fingertips over his face. I wanted to ease his mind about everything. I said the only thing I could: "I love you more than anything."


Anonymous said...

I actually look forward to posts like this that make him more real, more amazingly human than I could ever imagine because I'm not in a relationship like yours so I could never really understand.

I strongly believe that all someone has to do is find their anchor irregardless of who or what and everything else will fall into place. What works for you will never work for another because it is in each unique. He is lucky to have found his in you and you in him.

People will always judge and I apologize for "vanilla" people like me who cannot comprehend the dynamics of your relationship but people judge even so called normal relationships too so it's not really a big deal. It just seems so because yours is supposedly taboo.

I think your relationship with him is beautiful. It is evident in your posts that even you are just finding out as you go along how this works, feeling your way through. I wish you luck and him too.

HyperSexualGirl said...

Love is a wonderful thing, and however you find it does not matter. Only you and he should judge your relationship. What you do is 100 percent by mutual consent. That's all that matters.

I had something of a similar experience recently with my lover, which I blogged about here. Honesty mixed with intense love is such a powerful sensation.

Lauren said...

I love your blog! Even though I am not a painslut, I do understand why it is all so desirable for you.

This post forced me to delurk myself. With my first blog, I had many people reading it and leaving nice comments. When things took a turn in my life and I started exploring the world of submission, I got nothing but hate mail. This didn't bother me as much as it did my boyfriend at the time.

Do not let comments bring the two of you down at all. Your relationship is so beautiful and as long as it is working for the two of you, absolutely nothing else matters!!!

Thanks for sharing a part of your life with all of us through your blog!

Anonymous said...

I haven't read anything in your blog that concerns me. I see growth in both you and your boyfriend and I think that the D/s dynamic has in fact chipped away at the parts of yourselves that concerned you in the past. I see nothing but good. Truly. I think you are both on a good thing.

Best wishes

Kitten said...

I would really like for Him to write something for this space, wouldn't you? Maybe if enough of us get together and beg for it, he will agree. (You know how much he likes begging :-)


Claire said...

I think that everyone is always curious about a sub's Owner and their take on things. Beg for me kitten!