He is not my boyfriend. He is my owner. I must keep telling myself that. I forget that I cannot act the same way with Him as I acted with my other boyfriends. Whatever his failings as an owner and a partner, I cannot respond the same way.

I cannot respond to the disappointments - which, for the record, are the result of my own unrealistic expectations of a person that He cannot be - like I usually would. I cannot stockpile my resentments and take them out on him through other means. I cannot use my hurt feelings as an excuse for my misbehavior. And I have misbehaved. I am paying the price for that and it is not pretty. It should not have happened like this.

He gives me the space to be upset at him. He does not want to brush things under the rug. I must feel out that space, live in it with my anger and grow out of it. I must be honest about my feelings within the framework that He has set up. I cannot go outside the lines with my feelings because I have no power there. That way lies danger and betrayal and more hurt, the kind of hurt that cannot ever be exorcised.


Anonymous said...

Sometimes I struggle to find the voice of honesty within my framework as well. It's not that I don't want to be honest, it's just that within our dynamic there is a place and a time for it that must constantly be obeyed.

"He is not my boyfriend. He is my owner." Striking difference and yes, very easy to forget. It's challenging to say the least.

Whatever the issue that caused your misbehavior was, I'm sure you'll get through it. Good luck.

Meta said...

I struggle with this all the time myself. Where's the line? What do I want him to be? Many times Sometimes the roles of girlfriend/boyfriend and slave/master overlap, but when they don't...