Feminist Theory

I struggle with the question of abuse. I wonder too. I no longer think anything is wrong with me - time and a lot of reflection have settled that in my mind - but I do wonder if I've lost sight of the line sometimes. I want terrible things, unbearable amounts of control. I want not to be able to get away, to be held in place, to be told that I'm nothing without this. It is the absolution so many of us seek, not the perfection, but the washing away of ourselves.

I don't make things any easier on myself. I think that I can hold two contradictory ideas in my head at once - I can be a feminist and I can be a submissive. But my feminist sisters don't want me. They would excommunicate me (and pillory Him) if they knew. I am either a bad feminist, or a hypocrite, or a fool, or all three.

I know the theory. I understand it from years of study. I see everything they hate in the structure of BDSM. I know why it is wrong on a macro level and yet...and yet...

If they could just understand how things are between us, all the generalizations would melt away. If they knew how much love and respect live here, they could never condemn our entire belief system. If they understood what this feels like, this submission that makes me stronger, this reliance that makes me calmer, they would stop writing their screeds about my relationship. If only they thought for ONE SECOND about what it feels like to have your whole world examined and judged to be destructive to all women, maybe they would stop what they're doing that's hurting this woman.

I still am who I am. I was born this way. I cannot go back. They claim that they do not want to judge or condemn my choices, but what choice do I have in the face of this? I am who I am. I cannot unmake myself or take this back. I am here and I am not going away. So what am I supposed to do? You tell me! What is it you want? An apology or a renunciation? His capitulation? Because I am not going away. There is no other way for me to be. I will not justify this to you, not anymore. I am not ashamed, no matter how much you try to disavow me. I am here and I am not going away.


Dinora said...

I have only just started reading your blog so if I'm stating the obvious please forgive me.

It's like we all read life through a code( or codes). It can be very hard to understand another's code. It's hard for many to see that the BDSM code (and it varies between participants, what is important that everyone in a scene is reading off the same, or at least a very similar, code) turns pain into pleasure, hitting into caresses, verbal abuse into words of love, bondage into freedom, bruises into love bites etc etc. What I have learnt in my life is that it can be very hard to get someone to see something from another's point of view. So long as you and your boyfriend are reading from a similar code it's not abuse. Abuse happens when people are reading off different codes(to keep with the analogy, it's not perfect,analogies seldom are).

I too know the (feminist) theory, understand it from years of study. I struggle with who I am (add evangelical christian with fibromyalgia (a pain illness)) to the mix!

Feminism is very necessary but some did away with some good things. E.g. manners - 'I don't need a man to hold a door open for me', while a mother with two screaming kids and armfuls of groceries struggles to get out of the rain. I digress.


Claire said...

As long as you are happy, and as long as you are still both enjoying yourself and reading from the same page with regards to needs and wants who cares what other think!

I am not a pain slut, and I do not begin to understand someone's need to be beaten, but that does not mean I think that they are weird or that they are wrong or being abused. It is like ice cream, we all like different flavours!

Keep on enjoying yourself and revel in his love and Ownership!

Anonymous said...

Feminism gave us the opportunity to choose how we want to live our lives. This is your choice (and mine). It doesn't affect anyone but the two of you, it's entirely consensual and you are clear that it brings you much happiness and stability.

Unfortunately, whoever is saying negative stuff is unlikely to stop. I'd suggest you stop reading it. Follow your gut.



Anonymous said...

i don't know if feminist theory, in its current form, really condemns you so much as you say. you aren't claiming that all women should live the way that you are... and he's not treating you this way because you are a woman. he's giving you what you want. like rob said, feminism is about choices. you've made yours, and you are lucky to live in a world where you can make this choice. definitely have the early feminists to thank for that. :) people who say that feminism says women have to live a certain way are wrong... that's exactly what feminism is supposed to go against.

Inguza said...

There is no such thing as one true way, the way that you find is only good for yourself. What you feal and understand to be the truth will never be exactly the same as anyone else.
SO... stop trying to convince yourself that the way you live your life is ok. IT IS OK!!!

happy de-lurking day

Anonymous said...

I am a submissive female. I enjoy male domination and control. I deeply resent any feminist telling me how I should think, feel and behave.

I find rude, abrasive feminists far more offensive than a D/s relationships between two consenting adults.

A familiar feminist tactic is bullying... don't give into it. Be yourself and be proud.