I struggle with the question of abuse. I wonder too. I no longer think anything is wrong with me - time and a lot of reflection have settled that in my mind - but I do wonder if I've lost sight of the line sometimes. I want terrible things, unbearable amounts of control. I want not to be able to get away, to be held in place, to be told that I'm nothing without this. It is the absolution so many of us seek, not the perfection, but the washing away of ourselves.
I don't make things any easier on myself. I think that I can hold two contradictory ideas in my head at once - I can be a feminist and I can be a submissive. But my feminist sisters don't want me. They would excommunicate me (and pillory Him) if they knew. I am either a bad feminist, or a hypocrite, or a fool, or all three.
I know the theory. I understand it from years of study. I see everything they hate in the structure of BDSM. I know why it is wrong on a macro level and yet...and yet...
If they could just understand how things are between us, all the generalizations would melt away. If they knew how much love and respect live here, they could never condemn our entire belief system. If they understood what this feels like, this submission that makes me stronger, this reliance that makes me calmer, they would stop writing their screeds about my relationship. If only they thought for ONE SECOND about what it feels like to have your whole world examined and judged to be destructive to all women, maybe they would stop what they're doing that's hurting this woman.
I still am who I am. I was born this way. I cannot go back. They claim that they do not want to judge or condemn my choices, but what choice do I have in the face of this? I am who I am. I cannot unmake myself or take this back. I am here and I am not going away. So what am I supposed to do? You tell me! What is it you want? An apology or a renunciation? His capitulation? Because I am not going away. There is no other way for me to be. I will not justify this to you, not anymore. I am not ashamed, no matter how much you try to disavow me. I am here and I am not going away.