Voluntary Reality

I have a rich fantasy life.

No, that's not exactly true. It's vivid, but it's not particularly varied. I've relied on the same masturbatory scenarios for years.

They are all similar, even in their difference. They all are semi-public. I am being used, sometimes harshly. I am exposed and humiliated. There is usually more than one person there. He is leading, but the others are faceless. Often there are hands touching and sensations without reason.

But almost always...more than one person there, either participating or watching.

I haven't sought this out. I don't go around trying to recreate these scenarios. They are in my head and they are safe, tucked away where I can control them.

He knows about these fantasies and he thinks that it is his job to fulfill them. Plus they suit his needs. He wants to see me shared and passed around. He needs to see that, for whatever reason. He wants to know that I made someone else moan like I make Him moan, and he gets pleasure out of just that idea. He is making this happen, even though I did not ask for it.

But I cannot now deny that I wanted this. I have thought about it for years. How can I say now that I don't want this? He has been there as I confessed these fantasies, he saw the physical evidence of my arousal. He knows.

Will I be able to perform the way that he wants? Will I be able to hold it together? It will just be sex, it won't be intimacy like with Him. How do I go back to just sex after more than a year of the closest, most intense physical connection I have ever had with one person? I know that I have been trained, I know how to shut off that part of me and focus on being what he wants. But putting theory into practice is something else entirely.


lalana said...

In a fantasy like yours (or mine), even though the situation is out of your control, you're still in control by default - it's your fantasy. This is one of those will the reality be anything like the fantasy times. Can I fantasize about multiple men? Yep, I can, and enjoy it, though it's not frequent for me. But in all honesty, I don't believe that I'd ever be able to carry that over into reality, not without damaging myself. Yes, it will be just sex - but how hard was it to relearn with your Master to NOT detach yourself from the physical acts? To keep focused on the now, as he is touching/using you? I know for me it took YEARS before I was able to participate fully, I was always holding that ONE part back, the connection between body and mind, that kept the sex from being intimate. I honestly don't believe that I could reverse that like flipping a switch. If Master required it of me, I would do it - but really think it would kill a small part of me in the process. And I know it's fully possible that he may expect it from me one day, but as for right now, he's territorial, so that works in my favor. He'll share me with a woman, but not a man, and I'm fine with things that way :)
Good luck on this - I hope you can reassure yourself that you'll handle it in a way that's right for you and your Master.

Lauren said...

When you're actually in the moment of that happening, I don't think you will find it difficult to get past the emotional barrier. You'll know that even though he is putting you through one of your fantasies, you're still doing it for him in a way and that will give you peace of mind.

I understand how you feel in regards to sharing fantasies that you may not necessarily want to experience in real life. Some of my darkest fantasies have that aspect of the situation being so very wrong and degrading that I know I wouldn't want to ever experience it... that's why they only play a role in my mind :)

Kitten said...

Thank you both for your comments. I agree that this will be an experience where I will have to trust Him most of all and just go with the flow. I think that once I am in the situation, everything will be great!