I'm trying to find a model for where we're going, where we've been heading over the past couple of months, but I'm coming up short. That's okay, I don't mind making my own path. It just seems to me that we're venturing away from traditional submission into something else.
When we started, I was focused on finding this path through the quiet, through meekness and through humility. He wore me down a lot, roughly molding me into shape and into submission. His focus was quieting the screaming voices in my head and replacing them with His voice. I hear him now all the time, even when He isn't speaking. We reached this place of solitude together and it is pure and dreamy and quiet.
Once we were there, He told me that he loved how trainable I am. He loved seeing the fire in my eyes and the struggle, and then gradually the acceptance. He loved that I thought that no one could tame me, but he always could. He loved the clearness in my eyes.
So after he could focus me, he started training me for something else. He started making me a whore - that's the only way I can describe it. Remember those moments where I came out strong, eyes flashing for him, when I took a bit of control and let myself run wild? That's often what he wants to see now.
He talks about putting the regular me away and letting that wild girl come out. Sometimes I struggle against it, but he usually manages to make her emerge anyway. The scary part is that I do things in that state and I couldn't even imagine otherwise. He tells me that sometimes my eyes are glazed over like I am somewhere else, like I am someone else. I guess that I am.
I fuck him like he wants to be fucked, performing for him and doing whatever he wants. It is still a form of submission, in a way. But it is much less violent and much more coercive. He talks to me throughout, and I have to act the way that he wants or else.
Recently, He's talked a lot about sharing me. He talks about showing another man what I can do and how good I am. He pretends that he is the other man and makes me show him all of the things that I would do. He wants to watch me with the other man and if I'm good, he'll let me alone with the other man so I can do whatever I want. But I have to be a good girl and please the other man and tell Daddy all about it when I get home. It is so convoluted that sometimes I wonder who we really are, who I really am.
I know that He's getting ready to whore me out to someone else. There are e-mails and conversations that I am not a part of. I know that this is love, but I have a hard time finding it. I don't understand why this is the form that we are taking. I want so much to please Him and I will go wherever he sends me. There is a part of me that would love this, the wrongness of it, but I know that I would never pursue this on my own. This is an instance where, without training, I would keep this in the realm of fantasy. I suppose that is why He is working so hard to mold me into this girl. I just wonder who I'll be when he's done.