I'm trying to find a model for where we're going, where we've been heading over the past couple of months, but I'm coming up short. That's okay, I don't mind making my own path. It just seems to me that we're venturing away from traditional submission into something else.

When we started, I was focused on finding this path through the quiet, through meekness and through humility. He wore me down a lot, roughly molding me into shape and into submission. His focus was quieting the screaming voices in my head and replacing them with His voice. I hear him now all the time, even when He isn't speaking. We reached this place of solitude together and it is pure and dreamy and quiet.

Once we were there, He told me that he loved how trainable I am. He loved seeing the fire in my eyes and the struggle, and then gradually the acceptance. He loved that I thought that no one could tame me, but he always could. He loved the clearness in my eyes.

So after he could focus me, he started training me for something else. He started making me a whore - that's the only way I can describe it. Remember those moments where I came out strong, eyes flashing for him, when I took a bit of control and let myself run wild? That's often what he wants to see now.

He talks about putting the regular me away and letting that wild girl come out. Sometimes I struggle against it, but he usually manages to make her emerge anyway. The scary part is that I do things in that state and I couldn't even imagine otherwise. He tells me that sometimes my eyes are glazed over like I am somewhere else, like I am someone else. I guess that I am.

I fuck him like he wants to be fucked, performing for him and doing whatever he wants. It is still a form of submission, in a way. But it is much less violent and much more coercive. He talks to me throughout, and I have to act the way that he wants or else.

Recently, He's talked a lot about sharing me. He talks about showing another man what I can do and how good I am. He pretends that he is the other man and makes me show him all of the things that I would do. He wants to watch me with the other man and if I'm good, he'll let me alone with the other man so I can do whatever I want. But I have to be a good girl and please the other man and tell Daddy all about it when I get home. It is so convoluted that sometimes I wonder who we really are, who I really am.

I know that He's getting ready to whore me out to someone else. There are e-mails and conversations that I am not a part of. I know that this is love, but I have a hard time finding it. I don't understand why this is the form that we are taking. I want so much to please Him and I will go wherever he sends me. There is a part of me that would love this, the wrongness of it, but I know that I would never pursue this on my own. This is an instance where, without training, I would keep this in the realm of fantasy. I suppose that is why He is working so hard to mold me into this girl. I just wonder who I'll be when he's done.


M:e said...

Oh kitten, that last sentence 'I wonder who I'll be when he's done'. I think every submissive probably feels that at some point or another....I certainly have.

There are times when it feels like a 'deconstruction' process where, even after all this time, he's still taking me apart piece by piece and putting me back together again.

I used to be worried about what might happen if one day, having taken me apart, he didn't take the trouble to reassemble me. That's when I started paying close attention to what all those component parts looked like, and where they went. Now, if that day ever comes, I know I can put myself back together again and that gives me the strength to submit even more.

gentle hugs

lalana said...

Same here, it was the last sentence that grabbed me... I think the answer is that you'll be closer to the slave that he's training you to be. He sees things from a different perspective, and may feel that this will improve you, though you can't see how that's possible right now. And since it's a fantasy... maybe he's looking to fulfill it for you? It's a frightening jump, though. Master always loves it when the animal side of me is unleashed, when he sets me off and I'm scratching, clawing, growling, and showing more agression in 15 minutes than I have in 15 years. Yet strangely... I still feel submissive.

Anonymous said...

I know I've been late to comment - but this post grabbed me. Partially because it sums up some of my own thoughts as well. D/s is such a challenging journey, yet so rewarding. I'm sure that with every new step you take and every situation that comes up, you'll find a way to make the most out of it for you. I think "He" does things in your best interest of course. For the He in my relationship, sharing is probably something that we'll partake in much later in the game. Although it's a fantasy of mine, we're both so possessive of each other and focused on the dynamic between us that such an idea seems lightyears away.

Kitten said...

M:e - I understand the deconstruction process completely. I just think you reach a point where you don't know how to "reassemble" yourself. Accepting that can be a struggle, but one that is very worthwhile.

lalana - I know that He is trying to fulfill a fantasy, but at the same time He knows that he is pushing a boundary of mine. He knows what is best and I know that he sees value in this process, even if I cannot see it right now.

YLS - The sharing is almost an extension of His possessiveness. He owns me so he can control what I do and with whom. I would never be allowed to choose to be with someone else or be in control of the situation, because it really is about His use of me by extension through someone else.

As for me being possessive of Him, I am. I admit that. We will reach a point where I will have to see Him with someone else, so I have been working on expanding my conception of our relationship to accommodate the physical presence of another woman.

Thank you all for your insightful comments!