In a way, I have a closer connection to the control than to the physical element of my relationship. I crave it more, and more often. It is something that I am connected to in a very visceral manner. The fact that the nature of the craving for this control is somewhat a mystery to me is really puzzling and is something that I have been working through. Because I am at the point where I have accepted all of my desires, I need to become more comfortable and fully understand control before I can move forward. I am right on the cusp of that. I need to do this to move ahead.
As an initial matter, what I mean when I speak about control: I mean all of the non-physical elements of our dynamic, those ones that occur outside of context of the bedroom. I mean any rules or restrictions that I have, my bedtime, the guidelines that I follow when I speak to Him and any general guidelines on my behavior. Occasionally the expression of His control can be harsh, but most often it is caring and benevolent. He enforces my bedtime in order to help me look after myself and put my health first. It is sweet and welcome for me. On the whole, I don't think my rules are that onerous. What is interesting is that they ebb and flow, increasing in intensity when I need them and relaxing when I need to focus elsewhere. He is very in tune to my emotional state and uses control to serve his ends as my Owner, but He is also always careful to keep me in balance.
What do I feel when I am controlled? Maybe if I can trace this backward I can figure it out. In essence, I feel safe. I feel like I have been wrapped in a warm blanket. It is very comforting. Sometimes when I am having a hard time, I will ask Him to speak to me over the phone in that tone of voice that he uses, the one that only I get to hear, and I am immediately calm. We speak about feeling his hand on the back of my neck, which he physically does when we are together, but it also has a metaphorical component. I am secure and guided by his hand on my neck. I am comforted.
And I do not feel alone. I think that is the most important part. I have lived on my own since I left my parents' house at 18. Several years ago, I left school and have been really on my own, with no professors or mentors looking after my welfare. The years before I met Him were a challenge for me as I struggled to have that warm connection with a family and community that you do not get as an independent adult floating free in the world. There was no one looking out for me but me, and that was a very scary feeling.
Yes, I got to work on time every day and paid my bills like an adult, but those were just the superficial parts of taking care of myself. There was an emotional component of being on my own that I found very difficult to handle. I wondered, will I float through my entire life like this by myself? The world is so big and I am so small. There is no one who cares for me.
It's funny, because I lived with a man several years ago. I never felt more alone than the two years that we lived together. Yet I never feel alone now. He is always with me because I carry Him in my heart everywhere I go. I see Him less than the man I used to live with, but I feel less alone. That is the difference between this relationship and my previous vanilla ones. I am the center of His world, and He is the center of mine. We are never alone, spiraling around the universe, untethered. We bring each other back down to earth. We make each other safe.
So the control is an unbelievably positive thing in my life, one that is about connection and emotional security. It tells me that he loves me and that I am special and that He will always be here for me. He has taken on the responsibility to care for me and I will never be alone again. We take care of each other and we shelter each other from the world. We are safe and we are forever.
It is love. I just know that it is.