Disparity

We have these funny little moments. Like where He makes a joke at my expense and I laugh, then I make a joke at his expense and am met with stony silence. Because it is not funny when I do it. And the difference is that one of us is the Owner and the other one of us is owned. And we are different.

That's cute, when he pulls up and reminds me that we are not equal, even where innocuous banter is concerned. I fake-sigh like I am put out, but I am not put out. It doesn't feel like a big deal. And I want Him to be over me or I wouldn't have chosen this life.

But there are other times when the disparity between us seems like a very big deal. When I cannot do something that He can do just because He says so...that is very difficult, especially if it affects something major in my life or requires a big shift in my behavior. It may mean that I have to take what I would never be allowed to dish out. It may mean that I am not heard when I have something to say. It may mean that I do not get to decide things for myself. It often means that. It's these moments when I am not comforted in my submission and I struggle to locate the strength that I am supposed to find here.

I read something today that said that sometimes freedom is more important than happiness. That made me pause. I give up my freedom every day and sometimes it feels like what remaining freedoms I may have are being wrung out of me. I choose enslavement because it brings me happiness. Would I be better off, if unhappy, if I were free? I can't see how being deliberately unhappy on my own would be beneficial, but I haven't lived a free life in quite a while. Maybe I have lost touch with what that would feel like. I can imagine it and it seems a very hollow way to live.

But anyway. I know that this is my choice and I choose to stay every day. Some days it is just a little more difficult than others.