It's amazing to me how different the second year of our relationship has been from the first year. That first year was so unlike any time in a relationship that I've ever had - scary and unknown, but also innocent and sweet. Everything was murky then, where we were going and how we were going to get there. We spent so much of our energy figuring out our roles, and then figuring out how to stick with them, and then figuring out how to change the things that didn't work for us.
Now, in our second year, things are so much more natural. After some trouble that we had in December, we came back stronger than ever. That was a big blow-up, but I think we needed that - the same way that forests need cleansing fires in order to grow. We've been in complete sync ever since. Our second year has been one of improvements and growth and great new experiences.
I feel like we've finally figured it out and settled into our roles. I call him "Owner" so instinctively that I don't realize when I do it out in public, or in front of my friends. Everyone knows that he calls me "Kitten," even if they don't really know what that means. We don't even think about it much anymore. I still get mouthy sometimes, but I know my place and I know what to expect. He is comfortable in his dominance, so much so that He doesn't always have to use a heavy hand in order to keep me in control. The best part is is that I feel like we're on the same side, always. It's us together in everything and I know that we're going exactly where we need to go, together.
I think the key to how well this has worked out is that we let these roles, the rules and our whole dynamic emerge organically. We didn't have a blueprint from the established S&M scene or anyone else's relationship as a model of how to do things. I'm sure there are examples out there on the internet, where there is invariably always someone to tell you that their way is the "true" way. But we've done it on our own and managed to find our own way. It might not work for anyone else, so please don't take this as advice. We were inexperienced coming into this, so our lack of expectations helped us; obviously, an experienced person would be frustrated with some of the bumbling and false starts to be disappointing.
I'm feeling unbelievably optimistic today, which is funny because I've used this blog so much as a place to air my negative feelings. But the thing is: I know now that we He says that He'll own me forever, that He means it and that it is possible. It is possible. At this point, anything is possible.
Fight, fight, fight
Thanks to subtletimes for the topic suggestion. She asked for the details of our last "fight/argument."
I talked this over with my Owner and we were basically unable to come up with anything. We squabble from time to time, but we haven't had a big fight over actual relationship issues in about six months. We disagree and have difficultly communicating every couple of weeks, which I think is normal. Also, I tend to get overtired late at night because I'm on a pretty strict schedule for work, while He's more of a night owl. By 11 pm, I can get like an overtired toddler - I cycle from hyper, to comatose, to crying in the span of an hour. He knows my moods and can read me pretty well, so He tries to put me to bed before I get out of control. But I still get crabby sometimes and lose my patience when I speak to Him, which is never good.
But those occasional incidents are not really fights, per se. Not like the time six months into our relationship when I got so angry at Him that I put his belongings in a paper bag and drove over to His house with them. I intended to throw the bag at Him and never see Him again. Hilariously, I made the thirty-minute drive to His house that night in about fifteen minutes. He joked later that I drove at pyscho speed! I know that I really offended Him that night because I was just going to throw our relationship away because I was upset. It took a long time to recover from that, but I learned not to react that way in the future.
The oddest thing is that I can't even remember what it was that we were arguing about that night. I just remember that in the middle of a tense moment, we were standing by my car and He went to throw his gum out onto the ground. He looked at me and said in this super-serious voice: "Time out. I need to ask you something." I nodded, thinking that we were about to make some life-changing relationship decision. Then He said, "Can racoons choke on gum?," and we both started cracking up. He was so concerned that a racoon was going to come by and choke on his discarded gum that He couldn't even think about what we were arguing about at that moment. It was so funny, and it diffused all the tension so that we could resolve whatever it was that we were arguing about in the first place.
So, thanks again for the topic. My Owner's suggestion for topics is that I write some good old-fashioned smut, so you have that to look forward to sometime soon. Keep your suggestions coming in by e-mail or in the comments!
I talked this over with my Owner and we were basically unable to come up with anything. We squabble from time to time, but we haven't had a big fight over actual relationship issues in about six months. We disagree and have difficultly communicating every couple of weeks, which I think is normal. Also, I tend to get overtired late at night because I'm on a pretty strict schedule for work, while He's more of a night owl. By 11 pm, I can get like an overtired toddler - I cycle from hyper, to comatose, to crying in the span of an hour. He knows my moods and can read me pretty well, so He tries to put me to bed before I get out of control. But I still get crabby sometimes and lose my patience when I speak to Him, which is never good.
But those occasional incidents are not really fights, per se. Not like the time six months into our relationship when I got so angry at Him that I put his belongings in a paper bag and drove over to His house with them. I intended to throw the bag at Him and never see Him again. Hilariously, I made the thirty-minute drive to His house that night in about fifteen minutes. He joked later that I drove at pyscho speed! I know that I really offended Him that night because I was just going to throw our relationship away because I was upset. It took a long time to recover from that, but I learned not to react that way in the future.
The oddest thing is that I can't even remember what it was that we were arguing about that night. I just remember that in the middle of a tense moment, we were standing by my car and He went to throw his gum out onto the ground. He looked at me and said in this super-serious voice: "Time out. I need to ask you something." I nodded, thinking that we were about to make some life-changing relationship decision. Then He said, "Can racoons choke on gum?," and we both started cracking up. He was so concerned that a racoon was going to come by and choke on his discarded gum that He couldn't even think about what we were arguing about at that moment. It was so funny, and it diffused all the tension so that we could resolve whatever it was that we were arguing about in the first place.
So, thanks again for the topic. My Owner's suggestion for topics is that I write some good old-fashioned smut, so you have that to look forward to sometime soon. Keep your suggestions coming in by e-mail or in the comments!
Ideas
Unlike my Owner, who never runs out of great kinky ideas, I'm finding it difficult to come up with things to write about here as of late. Maybe you noticed? If so, I apologize. It's not that there isn't anything going on, because there is, or that we're not doing anything new and interesting, because we are. I could write about the amazing anal sex that we had to start off our Saturday, or the way that He made me come for about 10 minutes straight yesterday, but haven't we already covered that? Maybe I've just lost that blogging mojo. Help me get it back, dear readers? Leave suggestions, questions and/or topics of conversation in the comments or drop me an e-mail. Let's see if I can get back on track.
Skin
I got my first tattoo a few weeks ago. The tattoo is an interpretation of a drawing of several naked women who appear to be floating, each with long dark flowing hair. I think the tattoo is beautifully done and I am very happy to have this tattoo after years of indecision.
I decided on this design during the past year as I started to come to terms with my sexuality, not just my dedication to submission but my bisexuality. It is something that I have kept hidden from those closest to me - and from myself, even - for years. My desire for women is one of my first sexual memories and my earliest sexual experiences were with women. But, for whatever reasons based on my repressive childhood or religious upbringing, I always kept that hidden away.
I still carry a great deal of shame about these experiences and I am not open about my bisexuality. This is something that my Owner and I have been discussing a lot and will be working on. I hope to be more open one day, but I am still in the closet with most everyone in my life. But the tattoo is a semi-public way for me to celebrate my love for women and this part of myself. It is a hope for the future, that I one day can proudly display and be comfortable in my own skin.
I decided on this design during the past year as I started to come to terms with my sexuality, not just my dedication to submission but my bisexuality. It is something that I have kept hidden from those closest to me - and from myself, even - for years. My desire for women is one of my first sexual memories and my earliest sexual experiences were with women. But, for whatever reasons based on my repressive childhood or religious upbringing, I always kept that hidden away.
I still carry a great deal of shame about these experiences and I am not open about my bisexuality. This is something that my Owner and I have been discussing a lot and will be working on. I hope to be more open one day, but I am still in the closet with most everyone in my life. But the tattoo is a semi-public way for me to celebrate my love for women and this part of myself. It is a hope for the future, that I one day can proudly display and be comfortable in my own skin.
New
Oh, how I love my shiny new vibrator! I broke my last one, or it died a natural death. Either way, it served me well for several years. On Monday, my Owner and I bought me a new one.
I don't need a fancy vibrator with attachments and probes and bells and whistles. I just need a smooth, continuously vibrating toy that I can apply to my clit. We bought a basic one, one that will hopefully last another few years...although with the way we used it that first day, I don't hold out much hope for a long, vibrating life.
We cleaned it and put it right to use when we got home. I was already wet with anticipation. He laid between my legs and put his face up close to my cunt to watch me play. When I came, He pushed my hand back down and made sure that I came two more times right away.
I wasn't sated yet. I begged Him to fuck me as I continued to writhe with the vibrator buzzing against me. He obliged, entering me and instructing me to keep the vibrator against my clit. I held it between us where we could both feel it, and I could tell from the look in His eyes that he really enjoyed the feel of the toy as he thrust into me. I came even harder on his cock than I had before - an incandescent orgasm that felt like a total white-out of feeling below my waist. Before I could stop gasping, He came inside me with a loud moan.
I set the vibrator down on the bed next to us. "So, I think that was a good purchase," He understated. All I could do was nod in agreement :-)
I don't need a fancy vibrator with attachments and probes and bells and whistles. I just need a smooth, continuously vibrating toy that I can apply to my clit. We bought a basic one, one that will hopefully last another few years...although with the way we used it that first day, I don't hold out much hope for a long, vibrating life.
We cleaned it and put it right to use when we got home. I was already wet with anticipation. He laid between my legs and put his face up close to my cunt to watch me play. When I came, He pushed my hand back down and made sure that I came two more times right away.
I wasn't sated yet. I begged Him to fuck me as I continued to writhe with the vibrator buzzing against me. He obliged, entering me and instructing me to keep the vibrator against my clit. I held it between us where we could both feel it, and I could tell from the look in His eyes that he really enjoyed the feel of the toy as he thrust into me. I came even harder on his cock than I had before - an incandescent orgasm that felt like a total white-out of feeling below my waist. Before I could stop gasping, He came inside me with a loud moan.
I set the vibrator down on the bed next to us. "So, I think that was a good purchase," He understated. All I could do was nod in agreement :-)
Family Matters
I've been having problems with my family lately and I know that it comes from things that I'm going through in my relationship. My parents haven't changed - they are still the same over-involved parents that they have always been. If they had their way, they would continue to be super involved in my life, there would be no boundaries, and they would be the figures looming largest in my life.
I'm 29 years old, so that's probably not a healthy situation. I know that some people live geographically close to their parents and are really involved with their families in a healthy way, but that's not what it would be like for us. I see how they are with my sister, who lives in the same town. They are really involved with every part of her life, which she doesn't seem to mind. But I could never do that. I've resisted a bit in the past, but now I'm in a state of all-out rebellion because of my relationship. I'm directly challenging my parents because the most important person in my life - the person I go to when I need help or guidance and the one who is in charge of what I do - is now my Owner, not them.
I've been more vocal when they try to encroach on my turf, partly because I know that He sees them as manipulative and controlling and He has encouraged me to push back. Obviously, He has an interest in this change in me: his control is solidified as their control on me is loosened. But I don't think things are as sinister as that for Him. Instead, I think he sees (as my therapist sees) that I'm on the road toward accepting who I really am and that part of that journey involves separating from my parents. It's just causing all of this tension and I've been pulling away. There's so much about my relationship that I can't tell them anyway, but now I sense that they are truly unhappy with the way the situation has turned out.
I don't know where we go from here. I'm trying to assert my independence and eventually get to a place where I don't need their approval, but that's very difficult for me. I'm still terribly hung up on the fact that I've been seeking their approval my whole life. And when I realized this week in therapy that I'll never get it because I'll never be good enough for them, no matter what I do, it practically broke my heart. So that place where I am happy enough with who I am that I no longer need their approval, that place where I can relate to them without feeling torn apart, seems so far off from where I am right now. I hope that we can continue with our relationship in the meantime and make things better, but I see rough times ahead.
I'm 29 years old, so that's probably not a healthy situation. I know that some people live geographically close to their parents and are really involved with their families in a healthy way, but that's not what it would be like for us. I see how they are with my sister, who lives in the same town. They are really involved with every part of her life, which she doesn't seem to mind. But I could never do that. I've resisted a bit in the past, but now I'm in a state of all-out rebellion because of my relationship. I'm directly challenging my parents because the most important person in my life - the person I go to when I need help or guidance and the one who is in charge of what I do - is now my Owner, not them.
I've been more vocal when they try to encroach on my turf, partly because I know that He sees them as manipulative and controlling and He has encouraged me to push back. Obviously, He has an interest in this change in me: his control is solidified as their control on me is loosened. But I don't think things are as sinister as that for Him. Instead, I think he sees (as my therapist sees) that I'm on the road toward accepting who I really am and that part of that journey involves separating from my parents. It's just causing all of this tension and I've been pulling away. There's so much about my relationship that I can't tell them anyway, but now I sense that they are truly unhappy with the way the situation has turned out.
I don't know where we go from here. I'm trying to assert my independence and eventually get to a place where I don't need their approval, but that's very difficult for me. I'm still terribly hung up on the fact that I've been seeking their approval my whole life. And when I realized this week in therapy that I'll never get it because I'll never be good enough for them, no matter what I do, it practically broke my heart. So that place where I am happy enough with who I am that I no longer need their approval, that place where I can relate to them without feeling torn apart, seems so far off from where I am right now. I hope that we can continue with our relationship in the meantime and make things better, but I see rough times ahead.
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