Locked From the Inside

You know you can leave if you want, even though I don't think you want to leave.  There's still a door but it's locked from the inside.

You're like a puppy who sees an open front door.  You get excited and you think you'll be free and you run out of the door.  But you come running back after five steps outside.  You want to be home and safe and you can't handle being free.    

You wouldn't make it one day on the outside.  You'd come running right back inside like that puppy.  

I know you like to think that you can leave if you want.  I'm not going to physically hold you or stop you.  But it's not me that's keeping you by my side.  

The old you is dead and you can't get her back.  Even if you left, even if you thought you were free, you'd never be able to be the old you ever again.  I'll own you forever.  You'll never be free.     


latebloomer said...

I hope you don't believe that for a minute.I think you can always be free. You may not be the same person that you were before, but you would be fine after a fashion. Staying has to be a choice made out of desire not fear. If he is trying to intimidate you, he is the one who is afraid. You will find your way, whatever YOU choose. I am confident that you will work this out in a way that will be best, whether you stay or leave. There are lessons to learn from this experience, and I think you have the courage and strength to learn them. I have read your whole blog from the begining, and I wish you the best.

Jessica said...

Afer reading your blog, I think you know you can leave. Assuming that, I think what he said is hot. :-)

Anonymous said...

How does a safe word factor in this. I can see the use of it in a scene, but in a 24 7 it does seem to make as much sense.


Anonymous said...

i find what you're writing about right now scary... idk what to say... it makes me nervous somehow...

i like to think that whatever choice i make must be the right one irregardless of the outcome because whatever happens happens for a reason right?

Anonymous said...

It is not necessarily negative that he points out that you have changed for good - he's probably right about that. And whilst you obviously can leave the relationship if you choose I get the sense that he feels a strong commitment to you and is looking for that commitment from you.

When you have been married for years and you know that you will always be together it isn't unusual for one to say to the other, 'you can never leave' - because that really is the truth. It is a relationship for life. So, I don't necessarily see it as scary, but intense.


Anonymous said...

I have to respectfully disagree with latebloomer. I know that it is desire and not fear, that makes you want to stay. I happen to think what he said is really really hot! I don't believe for a minute that he is afraid!
So....I think you're a strong girl and you'll be just fine. Both of you will be :-)

Kitten said...

Thank you all for your comments. Each one has helped me reflect on the last couple of posts and I have come to some very helpful conclusions. I am very lucky to have such thoughtful readers and commenters :-)

That said, I think that Jess, Rob and Carly have it right: I know that I can leave, in the sense that I can physically leave if I want and that legally he cannot keep me. But the control is more mental and it is not a negative thing. Knowing that he will always own me, be responsible for me, and keep his connection to me is wonderful not scary.

Frank, I do not have a safe word. There is no way that I can just switch off or opt out of our 24/7 dynamic. We do not say "start" or "stop" - it is continuous and it is a constant undercurrent in our lives.