Back Slide

I remember spending some time in August reflecting on my submission. I thought about how far I'd come and how strong I was after the trials of the spring. I couldn't believe what He had led me to accomplish in those months. I wasn't afraid of anything that I had done in the past and was feeling like I could handle anything we approached next.

But now, at the start of October, I've had a major back slide. I can't point to any one thing, really. He has changed jobs recently and I have seen him a lot less. I've been taking care of myself a bit more because I've spend the time between weekends by myself. And for other reasons, those weekends we have spent together haven't included any overnights. If I was really under his control before, I have been relatively free for the last month.

It's strange how I can feel this submissive energy ebbing away. I had started to feel like a supersub, so confident that I had done something great, but all of that confidence has deserted me. I don't know if I could take some of the punishments that I took this summer now. I don't know if I could reach that blissful perfect state of submission to Him that I have often felt over the past few months.

The little things are so obviously wrong with me. I was completely unable to follow a simple order the other night, one that didn't mean a lot to me but really meant a lot to him. I got a "bad Kitten" for that, which made me feel even worse about myself. Last weekend I was mouthy with him in a way that was just completely unnecessary and didn't accomplish anything. I saw myself as a pretty terrible person after that, not to mention a bad submissive (and I think we can agree that the bar for good behavior is much higher for us than it is for non-submissive women).

At the same time, we've been talking about moving in together in a couple of months. I'm very excited about that prospect because I hate spending time away from him, but it means real 24/7 D/s not the improvised, sort of 24/7 thing that we've been doing for a year. It means ten times more control and no independent life for me to escape to. I've been living pretty heavily in that independent life lately and the thought of losing it altogether is extremely frightening right now. If I can't manage the small things, what will I do when I return home to him and be tested every night?

I know that I've been hiding. As my failures mount so do my doubts, and so does the draw of everything that is mine and mine only. I didn't need this three months ago as badly as I do now because now I have that much more to lose. The other night, he moved a plant in my bedroom (MY bedroom) and I lost it. He didn't want the plant next to the bed while he slept, so told me that it would be moved anytime that he stayed over and, when he moved in, it would have to be relocated permanently. Somehow, moving that plant on his orders became the biggest thing in the world. It symbolized everything that would change and my complete loss of control over all levels of my life. It showed me just how little say I would have over anything once he moved permanently into my life. It told me, unequivocally, that my home, my body, my possessions are no longer my own.

That stupid plant was evidence of everything that I had lost. I could let it go, accept that his needs trump my favored place for the plant, and move on with my life. Or I could dwell on it, worrying about everything else that will change and everything else that he will control. In my fragile state, I chose the route of anxiety. I could not find my way to acceptance.

That's where I still am as of this post. He knows how I am feeling and he recognized that the issue with the plant was not about home decor. He knows that I have lost my way and I think that he will be bearing down on me in order to bring me back into line. Because unless I find my way back? We'll never move forward.


HyperSexualGirl said...

Sounds like the old quandary: what do you really want, how are you going to get it, and what's standing in your way?

Anonymous said...

hi kitten.

it's so exciting that you're moving in together! don't worry about the ebb in your submission, i say-- subs are human beings too, and the drop back could just be part of your growth.

also, i was thinking about what you were writing about your whole life being completely controlled when he moves in. obviously i don't know you guys, but i think that when people move in together for a 24/7 dynamic, a lot of the hard part can be realizing that a human being (doms are human beings too!) can't be dominant ALL the time. i mean, he's got to vulnerable sometimes-- everyone is-- and if you're living together i'd think you'd have to see that on occasion, and be the strong one for him at times. i would think that the hardest part will be negotiating around the humanness of your union, the parts that exist outside of the exciting parts of your D/s life.

either way, i am sure you will be fine. i've been reading your blog regularly for a few months now (used to check in once in a while, but added you to my reader more recently), and i've noticed that you tend to write about even the challenges that you enjoy as if they are extremely awful things. sometimes it is hard to understand what you mean because of that, at least for me. but i think that i understand correctly that in this case it means that even though you talk about living with more control as if it will be terrible and stressful and almost unbearable, that it is something that you are really looking forward to and craving.

so i hope that it is everything you envision and more!

warm wishes,

Kitten said...

hypsersexualgirl and meg: Thank you both for your comments. I know that I want us to be together and that we will use the foundation of the past year to work things out once we are living in the same place.

meg, I think you're right that I tend to worry about increased control, even though it is what I want. I think I rely on this blog to vent some of my anxieties, so that I'm able to let them go and embrace all the wonderful things about each step in my relationship. As a result, things here may be more of a negative reflection of things.

Anyway, thanks for your observations. They certainly have me thinking!


Anonymous said...

Let's look at it from a practical point of view -what do plants do at night? They release carbon dioxide into the air. What do you do at night? Hopefully sleep in your bedroom. Thus, plants in the bedroom are definitely not the best idea.

They also represent growth and vibrant life, and it is not exactly the energy you want to have in the bedroom unless it's a small plant in a big bedroom placed nowhere near the bed itself.

Everywhere else in the house plants are excellent, especially considering the level of indoor pollution in most indoor spaces.

Maybe he's secretly a feng shui fan looking out for your best interest! LOL. ;)
In all seriousness, he's working longer hours now at his new place of employment. Continue to be "free" and enjoy the relationship. Before you know it, you'll be reminded of your place, by him, and not just in your mind. He knows you're there. He knows you want it. He wants you. He's in control. You're strong, be strong. He needs you. He loves you for you. I hope you're smiling.

Also, thank you for taking the time to write an 'Update' post in regard to my inquiry.

xo "anonymous"

sub lyn said...

i have these ebbs and flows in my submission all the time, so i can very much relate. i look back on times past (for me, last September) and pine for that pinnacle of submission perfection, when pleasing Him was really the only thing that mattered. But at the same time, i find myself resisting doing the things that would help bring me back there. Sigh.

i think meg hits it square on - i used to get really worried about you reading your blog, because of the way you talk about challenges. But then i'd read your response to the comments (or to my email that one time) and realize that no, this was a good thing for you. It makes even more sense now, seeing your comment about using this space to work out your anxieties.