After

I'm not sure that I can describe what happened the other night. Even if I could describe everything, I don't know if I would be willing to share some of the details. I do know that a part of me fell away that night. I am not the same person I was a week ago.

He was pushing up against a limit of mine, one we hadn't discussed per se, but he know about. He had worked the areas around this limit before but he had never gone this far. In the end, he didn't push me over the edge. Instead, he took me right there and let me go. I fell over the edge on my own.

I knew that something inside me had snapped when I heard my own voice: the desperate begging in that little girl voice and the gasping, hyperventilating sobs. I wasn't there consciously. He brought me to that place and I fell backwards in time until I was at my most vulnerable place, somewhere completely exposed and defenseless.

It made me feel the most powerless that I have ever felt in my life. I almost could not bear the feeling of helplessness. It made me want to fight him at the same time I knew that to fight would be pointless. That made me resent him all the more, resent his control and where it had brought me.

He asked me what I was feeling, so I told him my only thought from the bottom of that pit of despair: "I hate you." It was the most honest thing I have ever said. I stared right at him with clear eyes. "I hate you." He made me say it over and over. God, it turned him on. I could see that fire in his eyes as he touched himself. He could see where he had brought me - to a place of completely helpless rage - and that turned him on. It was the most fascinating thing I have ever seen.

He started into my eyes with an unbelievable intensity. He held my gaze for a long time. He didn't blink. I could hear him inside my head. I don't feel comfortable sharing what he said, but he brought me to tears with his unspoken words. As he continued to stare into me, I could feel him physically inside my mind. I could see those dark rooms and could feel him opening doors.

I was dizzy. I blinked my eyes into focus and he was there looking at me with a curious expression on his face. He described the same things that I had seen before I could tell him. I felt, more than ever, that he had brought me to such a point that he could invade my mind.

"I own you, Kitten, every inch of you, inside and out. I own your will and your soul and your mind. You're mine forever. You're mine."