We were fighting on IM. I was upset about something with my family and I was taking it out on Him. I latched onto something that he did to upset me and I was going to town. I was sending messages rapidly using a sarcastic tone and barely giving him an opportunity to get a word in edgewise. And I was winning.
I love to win.
But there is no winning in submission, not with my clever words or the loudness of my voice. I cannot win because I am not even in the game. I forfeited my right to play when I have him the right to own me. I can be upset with him and I can disagree with him all I want on any number of valid points. But I cannot defeat him.
What I can do, if I choose to let myself go, is insult him and disrespect his ownership of me with my tone. Unfortunately, that is what I chose to do during our IM conversation. I use the word "chose" because I am responsible for my words and how I behave. The immature little girl in me would like to abdicate responsibility and claim that he made me upset so he made me talk to him that way as a result. But I am not a little girl. I am a person in this relationship, D/s or otherwise, and I have to be accountable for my actions. I am ashamed but I acknowledge that.
He told me that my behavior was "unbelievable" and that I would be punished accordingly. I don't know what my punishment will be. He has not told me and I'm trying to figure out if that makes it better or worse. But I know in my heart that I deserve whatever I get.
Sir, I am very sorry. I will try to be a better girl for you.
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Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
- Rilke
D/s, from the inside.
This blog contains mature subject matter. Adults only, please.
I always appreciate your comments and e-mails. Thanks for reading!
I always appreciate your comments and e-mails. Thanks for reading!
About Me
- Kitten
- I am a submissive girl who loves to be dominated by her very devious, and sometimes gentle, man.
Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
- Rilke
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4 comments:
Hmmm. It's good you recognized you were wrong. But I don't think he will go easy on you. Good luck!
Tex
Kitten,
I was thinking, funny that I think of a blogger but; I was thinking your owner is very lucky to have a smart, wise submissive.
Tex
Hi Tex:
Well, I am a real person so it's not out of the ordinary to wonder what I am up to ;-)
Thanks for your kind words. I try to be good for Him and I hope that he appreciates the effort, even when I am wrong.
I expect to get my punishment tonight, so wish me luck!
-Kitten
i've never gone quite that far, but i have gotten caught up in own quick wit myself and had to be warned to watch my tone. So you have my understanding. Good luck with your punishment. If you're anything like me, you're feeling unsettled knowing you behaved badly, and you'll feel better (emotionally, at least) after you've atoned.
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