Would you believe me if I told you that my Owner can make his eyes go almost completely black at will? That he can dilate his pupils, and just as quickly make them go back to normal?
Well, it doesn't really matter if you believe me or not. I saw it happen.
One minute he was growling and clawing at my back, ordering me to ride him facing away from him as he swatted at my ass. He hit me harder and harder, until I leaped off of his cock in pain. He trapped me as I tried to scramble away and bit me hard on the shoulder. I arched my back and cried out, and then he bit me one each breast as he pinned me down. I cowered away from him, sneaking a look up at him snarling above me. And his eyes were completely black, like he was possessed or a vampire. He looked just barely in control and I was afraid.
I put my hands over my face, but instead of attacking again, he laid calmly next to me and stroked my hair. I uncovered my eyes and saw him looking down at me with his warm, chocolate eyes back to normal. In that moment, his pupils had retracted and he was feigning a look of innocence.
I still don't know how he did it (and if it is some sort of trick that you all know, I'd rather you kept it from me). He claims that I imagined it, like so many other things that I have seen that I know that he has done that he claims he knows nothing about. Like the mind reading, I know that that is real. But this? How could this be real? But at the same time, how could I have imagined it?
Never Have I Ever
I never have been able to figure out where certain of our lines are. It's not that they are shifting or that He hides them from me, but just that things are too complex to be able to pinpoint where the lines are most times.
Like, where is the line between "I listen to you because I value your opinion" and "I am deciding against you, even though you disagree"?
Where is the line between "Trust that I will never take advantage of you" and "Because I'm the Owner and I say so"?
I'm guessing that He would say that often both rules apply at the same time, at his discretion. That our relationship encompasses lots of mutually-contradictory rules that we somehow manage to follow. It all makes sense to Him, so I should probably just go along and stop wondering. But I am an inquisitive Kitten and I'm constantly taking us apart to see how we work.
Like, where is the line between "I listen to you because I value your opinion" and "I am deciding against you, even though you disagree"?
Where is the line between "Trust that I will never take advantage of you" and "Because I'm the Owner and I say so"?
I'm guessing that He would say that often both rules apply at the same time, at his discretion. That our relationship encompasses lots of mutually-contradictory rules that we somehow manage to follow. It all makes sense to Him, so I should probably just go along and stop wondering. But I am an inquisitive Kitten and I'm constantly taking us apart to see how we work.
Denial
"Touch yourself and tell me when you're going to come," He said as he laid next to me, watching. I started playing with my clit and felt my pussy get wetter and wetter. I was moaning softly. I looked up at him and asked to come. "Get closer," He ordered and I kept playing. "Can I come now? Please?," I begged. He paused and I grew closer to orgasm. "No, stop," He said suddenly and I pulled my hand away sharply.
Then He did it again, allowing me to get close to coming and ordering me to stop. Each time I pulled away my hand quickly, but reluctantly. I knew that I would get a slap if I didn't stop, but I was unhappy about it.
Then He crouched between my legs and teased my inner thighs with his tongue. "Do you want to come?," He asked lightly. "Yes, please," I begged breathlessly. After what felt like an eternity, He finally touched his tongue to my clit and moved it unbearably slowly. "Fingers, please," I gasped, indicating that I wanted him to finger-fuck me while he licked my clit (a surefire way to orgasm for me). He slid two fingers into my pussy. I was just about to come. I begged, "Please, please, can I? Daddy please?" He said yes, and I felt the first wave about to break. That's when He pulled away and out of me.
I looked up in shock and squirmed with pent-up sexual frustration. Was he denying me? He laid next to me and touched my face.
"When you were about to come, what did I do?"
"You stopped," I said plainly, wondering if it was a trick question.
"And when I tell you to stop walking and wait, what should you do?"
"I should stop." Oh, I knew what this was. This was punishment.
"Good, then now you know how to stop. I just showed you," He said a touch smugly. "Maybe I should let you touch yourself and come while you suck my cock?," He asked.
"I would like that, please," I said tentatively.
"I bet you would. No, it's time for bed."
My mouth fell open. I had to come, I needed to come or I would be awake and out-of-sorts all night! He had never denied me an orgasm before. I couldn't believe it. A tear leaked out of my eye and I brushed it away, embarrassed. I sat up and smoothed my nightgown back over my thighs in a defeated gesture. Just as I was about to get up, He grabbed my arm.
"Oh, okay, you can come once, but I hope you learned your lesson," He chided with a wag of his finger. I smiled and crawled eagerly toward Him.
Then He did it again, allowing me to get close to coming and ordering me to stop. Each time I pulled away my hand quickly, but reluctantly. I knew that I would get a slap if I didn't stop, but I was unhappy about it.
Then He crouched between my legs and teased my inner thighs with his tongue. "Do you want to come?," He asked lightly. "Yes, please," I begged breathlessly. After what felt like an eternity, He finally touched his tongue to my clit and moved it unbearably slowly. "Fingers, please," I gasped, indicating that I wanted him to finger-fuck me while he licked my clit (a surefire way to orgasm for me). He slid two fingers into my pussy. I was just about to come. I begged, "Please, please, can I? Daddy please?" He said yes, and I felt the first wave about to break. That's when He pulled away and out of me.
I looked up in shock and squirmed with pent-up sexual frustration. Was he denying me? He laid next to me and touched my face.
"When you were about to come, what did I do?"
"You stopped," I said plainly, wondering if it was a trick question.
"And when I tell you to stop walking and wait, what should you do?"
"I should stop." Oh, I knew what this was. This was punishment.
"Good, then now you know how to stop. I just showed you," He said a touch smugly. "Maybe I should let you touch yourself and come while you suck my cock?," He asked.
"I would like that, please," I said tentatively.
"I bet you would. No, it's time for bed."
My mouth fell open. I had to come, I needed to come or I would be awake and out-of-sorts all night! He had never denied me an orgasm before. I couldn't believe it. A tear leaked out of my eye and I brushed it away, embarrassed. I sat up and smoothed my nightgown back over my thighs in a defeated gesture. Just as I was about to get up, He grabbed my arm.
"Oh, okay, you can come once, but I hope you learned your lesson," He chided with a wag of his finger. I smiled and crawled eagerly toward Him.
Bed
We were angry at each other when we laid down for a nap. It was dim and gray in the room, and we laid down on opposite ends of the king-sized bed. We weren't even close to touching, which was odd because we usually sleep with our limbs intertwined and our faces pressed up against each other.
As we slept and the room grew dark with the evening, we let some of our anger go. We woke up close to each other. For a minute after I woke up, I forgot that I was supposed to be mad.
"Hi," I sighed sleepily.
"Hi," He said with a sad note in his voice.
Then I remembered and turned away. He reached out a hand and slid it over my hip, placing his palm flat on my stomach and pulling me to him. I tried to hold a grudge, but I really couldn't remember why I was supposed to be mad anymore. I slid over next to him. I let him cradle me in his arms and I tucked my head into the crook of his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," He whispered into my hair.
"I am too, I'm sorry," I murmured in response. We both sighed and He tightened his arms around my body.
As we slept and the room grew dark with the evening, we let some of our anger go. We woke up close to each other. For a minute after I woke up, I forgot that I was supposed to be mad.
"Hi," I sighed sleepily.
"Hi," He said with a sad note in his voice.
Then I remembered and turned away. He reached out a hand and slid it over my hip, placing his palm flat on my stomach and pulling me to him. I tried to hold a grudge, but I really couldn't remember why I was supposed to be mad anymore. I slid over next to him. I let him cradle me in his arms and I tucked my head into the crook of his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," He whispered into my hair.
"I am too, I'm sorry," I murmured in response. We both sighed and He tightened his arms around my body.
The Aftermath
That title is so ominous, but the aftermath of our weekend fun with another couple was pure hilarity.
We all left the hotel together, chatting easily in the elevator. We breezed through the lobby, impervious to the stares from the staff. Maybe they knew why we were checking out early, or maybe my skirt was just too short. In any case, I didn't care. I loved being with my Owner and this couple, out and comfortable with my relationship for the first time.
We parted in the parking lot with hugs. She whispered in my ear as she embraced me, and I knew that neither of us would forget our special time together.
As He and I got in the truck together and drove away, we burst out into giggles. "What?," He asked, laughing. "Nothing, what's with you?," I laughed back. "Oh, nothing," and He kept laughing. We were tired and a little giddy and oddly energized.
"Are you hungry?," He asked as we approached a Burger King on the highway.
"No, but I'll get a drink," I said. (For the record, I don't usually eat fast food. It's bad for a Kitten's figure.)
"Ok, but I'm getting Burger Shots," He said teasingly.
"No way!"
"Oh, I am. We just had a foursome and I am getting Burger Shots!," He announced.
"Okay, I guess you deserve them. For your efforts," I giggled.
Our spirits were high as we ate the little burgers in the truck, laughing and joking lightly about the events of our evening. To His delight, He even got me to eat two little burgers - I was hungry too!
And even though we were tired when we got home, we fucked before bed anyway. We held each other close and looked into each others' eyes as we came, like we knew that we had shared a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
We all left the hotel together, chatting easily in the elevator. We breezed through the lobby, impervious to the stares from the staff. Maybe they knew why we were checking out early, or maybe my skirt was just too short. In any case, I didn't care. I loved being with my Owner and this couple, out and comfortable with my relationship for the first time.
We parted in the parking lot with hugs. She whispered in my ear as she embraced me, and I knew that neither of us would forget our special time together.
As He and I got in the truck together and drove away, we burst out into giggles. "What?," He asked, laughing. "Nothing, what's with you?," I laughed back. "Oh, nothing," and He kept laughing. We were tired and a little giddy and oddly energized.
"Are you hungry?," He asked as we approached a Burger King on the highway.
"No, but I'll get a drink," I said. (For the record, I don't usually eat fast food. It's bad for a Kitten's figure.)
"Ok, but I'm getting Burger Shots," He said teasingly.
"No way!"
"Oh, I am. We just had a foursome and I am getting Burger Shots!," He announced.
"Okay, I guess you deserve them. For your efforts," I giggled.
Our spirits were high as we ate the little burgers in the truck, laughing and joking lightly about the events of our evening. To His delight, He even got me to eat two little burgers - I was hungry too!
And even though we were tired when we got home, we fucked before bed anyway. We held each other close and looked into each others' eyes as we came, like we knew that we had shared a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Punishment
I bent over my Owner's lap and closed my eyes. I touched my fingertips to the ground to steady myself, but I needn't have bothered. My Owner had his arm gripped tightly around my waist. He had the paddle in his hand - I knew because I had brought it over to him - and he was ready. Her Master sat across from me on the edge of the bed. He leaned forward intently as we got ready. She was across the room, in the corner, facing the wall.
My Owner started paddling me and I took a deep breath with every blow. I felt her Master lean closer. He began to speak to me.
He told me that I was an inconsiderate bitch for what I had done. He called me those names. He punished me with his words as my Owner punished me with the paddle. They formed this united force - one dominant field of energy, working together on my punishment. I knew that I was wrong, I knew that I deserved this. I was only shocked that her Master knew exactly what to say...that he said exactly what my Owner had said the week before when I got into trouble in the first place. He knew. Her Master just knew.
I managed not to cry, I'm not sure how. A beating like that should easily reduce me to a sobbing mess. She thinks it was because she was there to take some of my pain. She might be right. The strength of her kneeling there, hearing each blow and my attempts not to cry out, she absorbed all of the energy coming off of me. Just as my Owner and her Master were channeling each other, she and I were right there together, slaves in pain.
My Owner started paddling me and I took a deep breath with every blow. I felt her Master lean closer. He began to speak to me.
He told me that I was an inconsiderate bitch for what I had done. He called me those names. He punished me with his words as my Owner punished me with the paddle. They formed this united force - one dominant field of energy, working together on my punishment. I knew that I was wrong, I knew that I deserved this. I was only shocked that her Master knew exactly what to say...that he said exactly what my Owner had said the week before when I got into trouble in the first place. He knew. Her Master just knew.
I managed not to cry, I'm not sure how. A beating like that should easily reduce me to a sobbing mess. She thinks it was because she was there to take some of my pain. She might be right. The strength of her kneeling there, hearing each blow and my attempts not to cry out, she absorbed all of the energy coming off of me. Just as my Owner and her Master were channeling each other, she and I were right there together, slaves in pain.
Questions
Sometimes I wish that I didn't doubt or question. But I do. The doubts creep up at the oddest times, like last night. I don't know why it happened because I was feeling so good after my latest therapy session and my amazing weekend, but it happened anyway. I couldn't take His comment that he is allowed to do X because he is the Owner while I am not allowed to do X because I am the Kitten. I wanted to get off of the phone right away when he said that. I didn't want to listen anymore.
My emotional reaction to his statement brought up all kinds of questions that I wish I could say are gone at this point. I thought that I'd be over asking "why" after almost a year and a half. I know that that's not long in the grand scheme of things, but I thought that those questions would just go away at some point. I've felt stronger and more sure of myself lately, but I still push back and I still challenge.
I am a hard nut to crack, I guess. Or maybe I'm just like everyone else and others cover it better. Who's to say what the usual process is for any of us, anyway? Maybe I'm ahead of the curve or maybe I'm a slow learner. I wish I didn't feel the weight of these questions so much, but what can I expect when I carry these questions around by myself all the time?
Sometimes I wish I wasn't this way, that I could be happy with a normal life. I wish that I could turn off those voices in my head that want pain or degradation. Sometimes I wish that I didn't know about S&M so that I could go back to pretending to be a happy vanilla person. I wish that I could accept myself as I am.
I wish that I could accept myself. I wish that I didn't have to be ashamed or afraid. I wish that I could feel normalcy in this life. I wonder if it will happen over time. Right now, it seems like a roadblock. I need to move forward, move through it. I don't exactly know how.
Until I figure that out, I'm afraid that I will continue to test Him, and test myself. I don't want to be a pain, at least but I know that He's not ready to give up on me any time soon. I just feel bad. I could be so much better for Him if I could just get over myself.
My emotional reaction to his statement brought up all kinds of questions that I wish I could say are gone at this point. I thought that I'd be over asking "why" after almost a year and a half. I know that that's not long in the grand scheme of things, but I thought that those questions would just go away at some point. I've felt stronger and more sure of myself lately, but I still push back and I still challenge.
I am a hard nut to crack, I guess. Or maybe I'm just like everyone else and others cover it better. Who's to say what the usual process is for any of us, anyway? Maybe I'm ahead of the curve or maybe I'm a slow learner. I wish I didn't feel the weight of these questions so much, but what can I expect when I carry these questions around by myself all the time?
Sometimes I wish I wasn't this way, that I could be happy with a normal life. I wish that I could turn off those voices in my head that want pain or degradation. Sometimes I wish that I didn't know about S&M so that I could go back to pretending to be a happy vanilla person. I wish that I could accept myself as I am.
I wish that I could accept myself. I wish that I didn't have to be ashamed or afraid. I wish that I could feel normalcy in this life. I wonder if it will happen over time. Right now, it seems like a roadblock. I need to move forward, move through it. I don't exactly know how.
Until I figure that out, I'm afraid that I will continue to test Him, and test myself. I don't want to be a pain, at least but I know that He's not ready to give up on me any time soon. I just feel bad. I could be so much better for Him if I could just get over myself.
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