The impotent rage I felt that night didn't go away. If anything, it got worse. He knows that he hasn't totally broken me and that I am hanging on to the last little bit by a thread. He knows that I am clinging to that last little bit of what I used to be and that I am fighting with everything I have to hold on to that.
I have been focusing a lot on my impending trip, which is coming up faster and faster. I can feel the time slipping away. It is one more thing that I cannot control.
Funny how when I had all of the power, I couldn't give it away fast enough. Now that I am on the brink, I can't stop seeing where I am powerless. I cannot stop discovering instances where I am helpless and vulnerable, more reasons for me to hate him.
I know that there is a way out of this. I know that I built this prison for myself. I hold the key. I can leave, if I want. I can run. I can give in to that terrified voice in the back of my mind, the one that tells me that this will never end, that he will destroy me. I can run now and be far away before he wakes up. I can be in control again.
Or I can stop fighting and accept what I asked for. I can surrender to what I know is coming. I can stop worrying and stop desperately grasping for control. I can give up and float away. I can trust him - trust that he has control of everything, trust that he owns me and will take care of me. I can submit to Him. I will submit to Him.
After
I'm not sure that I can describe what happened the other night. Even if I could describe everything, I don't know if I would be willing to share some of the details. I do know that a part of me fell away that night. I am not the same person I was a week ago.
He was pushing up against a limit of mine, one we hadn't discussed per se, but he know about. He had worked the areas around this limit before but he had never gone this far. In the end, he didn't push me over the edge. Instead, he took me right there and let me go. I fell over the edge on my own.
I knew that something inside me had snapped when I heard my own voice: the desperate begging in that little girl voice and the gasping, hyperventilating sobs. I wasn't there consciously. He brought me to that place and I fell backwards in time until I was at my most vulnerable place, somewhere completely exposed and defenseless.
It made me feel the most powerless that I have ever felt in my life. I almost could not bear the feeling of helplessness. It made me want to fight him at the same time I knew that to fight would be pointless. That made me resent him all the more, resent his control and where it had brought me.
He asked me what I was feeling, so I told him my only thought from the bottom of that pit of despair: "I hate you." It was the most honest thing I have ever said. I stared right at him with clear eyes. "I hate you." He made me say it over and over. God, it turned him on. I could see that fire in his eyes as he touched himself. He could see where he had brought me - to a place of completely helpless rage - and that turned him on. It was the most fascinating thing I have ever seen.
He started into my eyes with an unbelievable intensity. He held my gaze for a long time. He didn't blink. I could hear him inside my head. I don't feel comfortable sharing what he said, but he brought me to tears with his unspoken words. As he continued to stare into me, I could feel him physically inside my mind. I could see those dark rooms and could feel him opening doors.
I was dizzy. I blinked my eyes into focus and he was there looking at me with a curious expression on his face. He described the same things that I had seen before I could tell him. I felt, more than ever, that he had brought me to such a point that he could invade my mind.
"I own you, Kitten, every inch of you, inside and out. I own your will and your soul and your mind. You're mine forever. You're mine."
He was pushing up against a limit of mine, one we hadn't discussed per se, but he know about. He had worked the areas around this limit before but he had never gone this far. In the end, he didn't push me over the edge. Instead, he took me right there and let me go. I fell over the edge on my own.
I knew that something inside me had snapped when I heard my own voice: the desperate begging in that little girl voice and the gasping, hyperventilating sobs. I wasn't there consciously. He brought me to that place and I fell backwards in time until I was at my most vulnerable place, somewhere completely exposed and defenseless.
It made me feel the most powerless that I have ever felt in my life. I almost could not bear the feeling of helplessness. It made me want to fight him at the same time I knew that to fight would be pointless. That made me resent him all the more, resent his control and where it had brought me.
He asked me what I was feeling, so I told him my only thought from the bottom of that pit of despair: "I hate you." It was the most honest thing I have ever said. I stared right at him with clear eyes. "I hate you." He made me say it over and over. God, it turned him on. I could see that fire in his eyes as he touched himself. He could see where he had brought me - to a place of completely helpless rage - and that turned him on. It was the most fascinating thing I have ever seen.
He started into my eyes with an unbelievable intensity. He held my gaze for a long time. He didn't blink. I could hear him inside my head. I don't feel comfortable sharing what he said, but he brought me to tears with his unspoken words. As he continued to stare into me, I could feel him physically inside my mind. I could see those dark rooms and could feel him opening doors.
I was dizzy. I blinked my eyes into focus and he was there looking at me with a curious expression on his face. He described the same things that I had seen before I could tell him. I felt, more than ever, that he had brought me to such a point that he could invade my mind.
"I own you, Kitten, every inch of you, inside and out. I own your will and your soul and your mind. You're mine forever. You're mine."
Cut, Part III
"Kitten, I have a task for you this week," he told me over the phone.
"Yes?," I asked. I could hear the nervousness in my voice. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath.
"I want you to find something for me to cut you with. Do you think you can do that?"
"Yes, I can do that." Why the hell was I so eager? Why did my pulse quicken at the thought of finding the blade that he would cut me with, presenting it to him on my knees, seeing him take it from me, hold it above me...
"Good girl," he cooed. "Let me know if you have any trouble finding it. But if you don't tell me, I'll expect you to have it by the weekend. Don't disappoint me."
"I won't, Sir."
"I think I might have to tie your hands when I cut you. What do you think about that?"
"Um...," I stammered nervously. I knew that if he wanted to tie my hands, I wouldn't have much say in the matter. And maybe that would help because I wouldn't be able to interfere with what he was doing in a moment of panic.
"I'm not going to blindfold you, though, because I want you to see the blood."
I sputtered, not sure what to say. Blood. How much blood would there be?
"Trust me, Kitten," he whispered. "Trust."
"Yes?," I asked. I could hear the nervousness in my voice. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath.
"I want you to find something for me to cut you with. Do you think you can do that?"
"Yes, I can do that." Why the hell was I so eager? Why did my pulse quicken at the thought of finding the blade that he would cut me with, presenting it to him on my knees, seeing him take it from me, hold it above me...
"Good girl," he cooed. "Let me know if you have any trouble finding it. But if you don't tell me, I'll expect you to have it by the weekend. Don't disappoint me."
"I won't, Sir."
"I think I might have to tie your hands when I cut you. What do you think about that?"
"Um...," I stammered nervously. I knew that if he wanted to tie my hands, I wouldn't have much say in the matter. And maybe that would help because I wouldn't be able to interfere with what he was doing in a moment of panic.
"I'm not going to blindfold you, though, because I want you to see the blood."
I sputtered, not sure what to say. Blood. How much blood would there be?
"Trust me, Kitten," he whispered. "Trust."
Game, Set, Match
We were fighting on IM. I was upset about something with my family and I was taking it out on Him. I latched onto something that he did to upset me and I was going to town. I was sending messages rapidly using a sarcastic tone and barely giving him an opportunity to get a word in edgewise. And I was winning.
I love to win.
But there is no winning in submission, not with my clever words or the loudness of my voice. I cannot win because I am not even in the game. I forfeited my right to play when I have him the right to own me. I can be upset with him and I can disagree with him all I want on any number of valid points. But I cannot defeat him.
What I can do, if I choose to let myself go, is insult him and disrespect his ownership of me with my tone. Unfortunately, that is what I chose to do during our IM conversation. I use the word "chose" because I am responsible for my words and how I behave. The immature little girl in me would like to abdicate responsibility and claim that he made me upset so he made me talk to him that way as a result. But I am not a little girl. I am a person in this relationship, D/s or otherwise, and I have to be accountable for my actions. I am ashamed but I acknowledge that.
He told me that my behavior was "unbelievable" and that I would be punished accordingly. I don't know what my punishment will be. He has not told me and I'm trying to figure out if that makes it better or worse. But I know in my heart that I deserve whatever I get.
Sir, I am very sorry. I will try to be a better girl for you.
I love to win.
But there is no winning in submission, not with my clever words or the loudness of my voice. I cannot win because I am not even in the game. I forfeited my right to play when I have him the right to own me. I can be upset with him and I can disagree with him all I want on any number of valid points. But I cannot defeat him.
What I can do, if I choose to let myself go, is insult him and disrespect his ownership of me with my tone. Unfortunately, that is what I chose to do during our IM conversation. I use the word "chose" because I am responsible for my words and how I behave. The immature little girl in me would like to abdicate responsibility and claim that he made me upset so he made me talk to him that way as a result. But I am not a little girl. I am a person in this relationship, D/s or otherwise, and I have to be accountable for my actions. I am ashamed but I acknowledge that.
He told me that my behavior was "unbelievable" and that I would be punished accordingly. I don't know what my punishment will be. He has not told me and I'm trying to figure out if that makes it better or worse. But I know in my heart that I deserve whatever I get.
Sir, I am very sorry. I will try to be a better girl for you.
Three Scenes
How did He and I spend our Saturday? Which of these scenes describes what we did that day?
1.
He holds me tenderly, looking down on me with emotion in his eyes. He enters me slowly and starts fucking me deeply. "Can you feel that?," he whispers and I nod, sure that I am going to cry at the intensity of the moment. He is talking about the palpable connection between us, the chemistry and beauty of our embrace.
He fucks me faster, thrusting deeper. I grip his shoulders as he leans down to kiss me. He nibbles on my lip and a moan escapes from my mouth. I hold onto him for dear life as he comes inside me. "I love you," he says as he throws back his head in climax. I come with him.
2.
He pushes me up against the wall, pulling my shirt and bra up over my breasts before he pulls my pants down around my ankles. I am not wearing panties. He pushes me down to my knees with my back against the wall and starts fucking my face. He bangs my head against the wall with the thrust of his cock in my mouth.
He picks me up and tosses me over the padded arm of the couch, winding his hand in my hair and snapping my head back in one quick movement. He enters me roughly and starts fucking me hard, pressing me down into the couch. "You filthy little slut, look at yourself," he taunts me. When I whimper, he snaps, "Shut up, slut. What's your job?" I mumble and he shouts for me to speak up. I tell him: "To stay still and shut the fuck up."
He puts me down on my hands and knees on the floor. My pants are still around my ankles. He makes me crawl to the bedroom. When I struggle, he laughs cruelly and pulls me along by the hair even faster.
3.
I slide his hand along my thigh, enjoying the warmth of his hand under my dress. I look up at him with wide eyes and hear him groan with lust. "Kitten...," he moans as I bite my lip and look away. He cups my chin in his hand and turns my face back so he can look me in the eyes again. I lean in to kiss him deeply, touching my tongue to his.
I climb on top of him and gently lower myself down onto his already-hard cock. I start to ride him, looking down at him through the hair that has fallen in my face. I take my dress off over my head, giving him a full view of my naked body. His hands immediately go to my breasts. I feel like his whore, focusing on his pleasure, my body for his enjoyment.
I ride him harder and look down at the blissful look on his face. "You are such a good girl, Kitten, you are such a good girl," he repeats over and over as his breathing quickens. Suddenly, I am coming hard, grinding on his lap and gasping for air. Before I can even catch my breath, he grabs my hips and starts coming too, shouting my name.
So dear readers: which one is us?
1.
He holds me tenderly, looking down on me with emotion in his eyes. He enters me slowly and starts fucking me deeply. "Can you feel that?," he whispers and I nod, sure that I am going to cry at the intensity of the moment. He is talking about the palpable connection between us, the chemistry and beauty of our embrace.
He fucks me faster, thrusting deeper. I grip his shoulders as he leans down to kiss me. He nibbles on my lip and a moan escapes from my mouth. I hold onto him for dear life as he comes inside me. "I love you," he says as he throws back his head in climax. I come with him.
2.
He pushes me up against the wall, pulling my shirt and bra up over my breasts before he pulls my pants down around my ankles. I am not wearing panties. He pushes me down to my knees with my back against the wall and starts fucking my face. He bangs my head against the wall with the thrust of his cock in my mouth.
He picks me up and tosses me over the padded arm of the couch, winding his hand in my hair and snapping my head back in one quick movement. He enters me roughly and starts fucking me hard, pressing me down into the couch. "You filthy little slut, look at yourself," he taunts me. When I whimper, he snaps, "Shut up, slut. What's your job?" I mumble and he shouts for me to speak up. I tell him: "To stay still and shut the fuck up."
He puts me down on my hands and knees on the floor. My pants are still around my ankles. He makes me crawl to the bedroom. When I struggle, he laughs cruelly and pulls me along by the hair even faster.
3.
I slide his hand along my thigh, enjoying the warmth of his hand under my dress. I look up at him with wide eyes and hear him groan with lust. "Kitten...," he moans as I bite my lip and look away. He cups my chin in his hand and turns my face back so he can look me in the eyes again. I lean in to kiss him deeply, touching my tongue to his.
I climb on top of him and gently lower myself down onto his already-hard cock. I start to ride him, looking down at him through the hair that has fallen in my face. I take my dress off over my head, giving him a full view of my naked body. His hands immediately go to my breasts. I feel like his whore, focusing on his pleasure, my body for his enjoyment.
I ride him harder and look down at the blissful look on his face. "You are such a good girl, Kitten, you are such a good girl," he repeats over and over as his breathing quickens. Suddenly, I am coming hard, grinding on his lap and gasping for air. Before I can even catch my breath, he grabs my hips and starts coming too, shouting my name.
So dear readers: which one is us?
Darkness
He put me on my knees next to the bed. It was dark in his bedroom, with only a small sliver of light coming in through the window. I looked up at him, waiting to serve him, waiting for direction. The light fell across his chest but his face remained in shadow. I couldn't see his features. I couldn't see his eyes to tell me what he had planned for me. I trembled slightly in fear.
He took out his cock and I opened my mouth in anticipation. He slid his cock into my waiting mouth. I sucked on him and kept my eyes on his face. He leaned down to smooth my hair back from my face and suddenly the light hit his face. His eyes were dark and he had that intense look on his face.
He started thrusting into my mouth faster, fucking my face. I relaxed my jaw and kept still as he moved in my mouth. I looked up at him with wide eyes. He was using me as his toy.
He pulled out of my mouth and lifted me back onto the bed. As he lifted my legs onto his shoulders and took me, his face fell back into shadow. He fucked me and whispered his depraved fantasies into the silent room. His voice was all around me, I could feel him inside me, but he stayed in the dark.
He took out his cock and I opened my mouth in anticipation. He slid his cock into my waiting mouth. I sucked on him and kept my eyes on his face. He leaned down to smooth my hair back from my face and suddenly the light hit his face. His eyes were dark and he had that intense look on his face.
He started thrusting into my mouth faster, fucking my face. I relaxed my jaw and kept still as he moved in my mouth. I looked up at him with wide eyes. He was using me as his toy.
He pulled out of my mouth and lifted me back onto the bed. As he lifted my legs onto his shoulders and took me, his face fell back into shadow. He fucked me and whispered his depraved fantasies into the silent room. His voice was all around me, I could feel him inside me, but he stayed in the dark.
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