I held the phone in the dark. He cooed into my ear as I fell asleep:
I want to see you laying on the floor in front of me. I want to see that frightened look in your eyes.
I want to pick you up and toss you onto the bed like a rag doll.
When you begin to struggle and pull away, I want to slap you once, hard. I want you to know that it is pointless to fight me.
I want to hogtie you. I want your ankles and wrists bound together in the air. I want you completely helpless.
I want you to feel vulnerable as I stand over you. I want to see your cunt dripping with your fear.
I want to take you, any way I want, over and over. I want to use all of your holes. I want you completely open to me.
I want to see the resignation in your eyes when you realize that I can do anything to you.
I want to come all over your face. I want my come to dry on your lips. I want to leave you there, tasting me on your tongue.
Now, little Kitten. Time for bed.
Go to sleep like a good little girl and dream of all that I have planned for you. There's so much more than you even know.
Birthday
"You need a spanking, don't you?," He asked over the phone. I squirmed in the bed in my hotel room and sighed into the phone. I was so far away and I needed to feel that connection to Him.
"It's time for one, I think. You know that?" His voice was quiet.
"Yes, sir."
"When you get back. A birthday spanking. Twenty-nine spanks for you," he said and I could hear him smiling.
"And one to grow on," I quipped without thinking.
"Hmmm..."
"No, I didn't mean that...I don't need more than..."
"Yes, one to grow on, Kitten. I like that idea. Thank you for that," he teased. He knows how often I speak without thinking. He loves that I get myself in the good kind of trouble with him.
"You're welcome," I mumbled. Me and my big mouth.
"We'll go out to that party on Saturday night and you'll be there next to me, the perfect little girlfriend. You'll be the sweet girl that everyone thinks they know. But no one there will know that you're going to get spanked hard the next day, and that you'll love every minute of it."
I squirmed again. He kept spinning his fantasy of spanking me hard and marking me with his belt for my birthday. He told me that he planned to remind of my spanking during the party on Saturday, that he would put his hand on the back of my neck and let me know that he owns me. He reveled in my double life, in the difference between my real life identity and my submissive identity. He loved that only he could see both sides of me.
"You know that I own you, Kitten. But Sunday...Sunday you'll really feel it."
Nothing But The Rain
We stood in the driveway, looking at a scratch on my new car. It was about 11pm and the canopy of trees over the driveway kept out any light from the street. After a pause, He pushed me up against the back of his truck. He kissed me, pressing his body against mine. His hands roamed over my breasts and up under my shirt. He pulled my bra up over my breasts and pinched my nipples. He twisted and pinched harder, looking at my face for a reaction.
When I could not hold back any longer, I cried out quietly and closed my eyes. I didn't want to draw attention to what he was doing. As he held my nipples and continued to pinch, the sharp pain dulled to an ache and I was able to open my eyes. I looked at him calmly until he twisted harder.
Finally, he let me go and I moved to go inside the house, but he had something else in mind. He caught me by the neck and slammed me back against the truck. I stared at him, eyes wide with shock. He reached down and unzipped my jeans. I whined slightly and murmured "no" into his ear. I didn't want to be exposed.
He stood back and smiled that cruel smile that I know so well. "Pull down your pants." I paused. He snapped his fingers in front of my face. "Down. Now. Your panties too." I reluctantly pulled them down to my mid-thighs and looked around. There were no cars coming and none of the neighbors were out. But if a car came around the corner...
"All the way, Kitten," he growled and he pulled my pants all the way to my ankles. He pushed me back against the truck and felt between my legs. My pussy was wet already and he quickly brought me to orgasm with his fingers. I clung to him, burying my face in his shoulder in case anyone was watching, biting my lip to keep from crying out.
He pulled away and put his hand on the back of my neck. "Come with me," he cooed, "leave your pants down." I shuffled after him, quickly realizing that he was leading me to the end of the driveway, away from shelter of the trees. He led me right to the edge of the street and stepped away from me. I looked around at him, panicked. I barely noticed when the wind started whipping up and thunder started rolling in the background.
"Daddy, please...," I trailed off. He had walked back up the driveway. I could still hear his footsteps, but I couldn't see him anymore.
"Stay where you are, Kitten," he called out from behind me. I closed my eyes and waited for him, flinching at every car engine and door-slam that I heard.
Finally, I felt his hands on my ass. He leaned down and pulled my pants back up and fastened them as lightning started to flash all around us. He pulled me close to him and breathed in my hair. "Such a good girl," he sighed as he looked down at me. I smiled at him despite myself. The lightning lit up his face. God, His eyes looked so beautiful. How did he ever find me?
We were laughing and hugging as the thunder grew louder. The wind tossed my hair and blew all around us. Quietly, rain began to fall - lightly at first then building to a driving rain. We stood there, drenched and staring into each others' eyes, smiling like two silly kids in love.
"Let's get you inside, Kitten," he said as he hugged me tight one last time. He took my hand and we ran inside, our feet splashing in puddles all the way.
When I could not hold back any longer, I cried out quietly and closed my eyes. I didn't want to draw attention to what he was doing. As he held my nipples and continued to pinch, the sharp pain dulled to an ache and I was able to open my eyes. I looked at him calmly until he twisted harder.
Finally, he let me go and I moved to go inside the house, but he had something else in mind. He caught me by the neck and slammed me back against the truck. I stared at him, eyes wide with shock. He reached down and unzipped my jeans. I whined slightly and murmured "no" into his ear. I didn't want to be exposed.
He stood back and smiled that cruel smile that I know so well. "Pull down your pants." I paused. He snapped his fingers in front of my face. "Down. Now. Your panties too." I reluctantly pulled them down to my mid-thighs and looked around. There were no cars coming and none of the neighbors were out. But if a car came around the corner...
"All the way, Kitten," he growled and he pulled my pants all the way to my ankles. He pushed me back against the truck and felt between my legs. My pussy was wet already and he quickly brought me to orgasm with his fingers. I clung to him, burying my face in his shoulder in case anyone was watching, biting my lip to keep from crying out.
He pulled away and put his hand on the back of my neck. "Come with me," he cooed, "leave your pants down." I shuffled after him, quickly realizing that he was leading me to the end of the driveway, away from shelter of the trees. He led me right to the edge of the street and stepped away from me. I looked around at him, panicked. I barely noticed when the wind started whipping up and thunder started rolling in the background.
"Daddy, please...," I trailed off. He had walked back up the driveway. I could still hear his footsteps, but I couldn't see him anymore.
"Stay where you are, Kitten," he called out from behind me. I closed my eyes and waited for him, flinching at every car engine and door-slam that I heard.
Finally, I felt his hands on my ass. He leaned down and pulled my pants back up and fastened them as lightning started to flash all around us. He pulled me close to him and breathed in my hair. "Such a good girl," he sighed as he looked down at me. I smiled at him despite myself. The lightning lit up his face. God, His eyes looked so beautiful. How did he ever find me?
We were laughing and hugging as the thunder grew louder. The wind tossed my hair and blew all around us. Quietly, rain began to fall - lightly at first then building to a driving rain. We stood there, drenched and staring into each others' eyes, smiling like two silly kids in love.
"Let's get you inside, Kitten," he said as he hugged me tight one last time. He took my hand and we ran inside, our feet splashing in puddles all the way.
Connect
He and I have been very busy over the past week, so I apologize for the lack of posts. It seems that attempting to include others in our bedroom activities is a complicated, time-consuming matter, one that has distracted us quite a bit this week. We've spent our downtime this week reconnecting, which has been wonderful.
I've also spent some time this week talking to my new therapist. Before anyone worries, my seeing a therapist is nothing new. I've talked to one for years in an effort to control the anxiety that has been a part of most of my adult life. (And for the record, I think that most people in my life could benefit from a bit of therapy here and there!) For the past five years, my anxiety has been completely manageable and I only go to therapy intermittently for maintenance appointments.
I have been without a therapist for the past several months and decided to return recently for a whole host of reasons. My relationship is not a reason that I decided to go back, but it did factor into my selection of a new therapist. I knew that my relationship and my submission would come up in the course of conversation and wanted someone who would understand that dynamic. So I found a wonderful kink-aware therapist who is working to help me maximize my relationship, understand my kink more, and generally make me a better submissive, all while talking with me about managing the true sources of anxiety in my life.
The first thing she did in our session was to ask me if my owner knew that I was talking to her. I hadn't told Him, but I suspected that he would find out in no time. He knows everything and I cannot keep anything from him, which she understood completely. It didn't seem strange to tell her any of that.
The second thing she did was walk me through some breathing exercises that would help me with my anxiety. She told me that better breathing would contribute to my submission by allowing me to take more pain - no judgments about whether my need for pain was wrong in some way. And it has already paid off...more on that in another post this week!
It is wonderful to speak to someone who doesn't approach what I do and love as wrong or a problem to treat. She supports and does not judge. It is exactly what I need at this juncture as He and I face everything that lay ahead.
I will be back with a titillating new post in a day or so. Stay tuned!
Choke, Part II
His hands were on my neck. I was laying across his bed. The overhead light was in my eyes. I couldn't look into his face without squinting.
He choked me harder. I could feel his thumb on the side of my neck. It was pushing against something vital, an artery or a nerve. I could feel the fear rising in my chest. His thumb, that singular point of pressure, was hurting me.
"Look at me. I want you to see me. I want my face to be the last thing that you see. I want you to look into my eyes as you fade to darkness."
I nodded as best I could, eyes wide with terror.
"I want to feel you fade away as I hold you."
I tried to breathe. I couldn't draw a breath past his fingers. I struggled slightly as he held me closer.
"Are you ready?"
Yes. I was ready for him to take all of this from me. I was ready for him to destroy me, finally. I was ready to close my eyes and let him.
He choked me harder. I could feel his thumb on the side of my neck. It was pushing against something vital, an artery or a nerve. I could feel the fear rising in my chest. His thumb, that singular point of pressure, was hurting me.
"Look at me. I want you to see me. I want my face to be the last thing that you see. I want you to look into my eyes as you fade to darkness."
I nodded as best I could, eyes wide with terror.
"I want to feel you fade away as I hold you."
I tried to breathe. I couldn't draw a breath past his fingers. I struggled slightly as he held me closer.
"Are you ready?"
Yes. I was ready for him to take all of this from me. I was ready for him to destroy me, finally. I was ready to close my eyes and let him.
Indiscretions
Ever since He joined Fetlife and took over my assignment, I feel like this blog isn't safe anymore. It is no longer the haven that I thought it once was. There is a blurring of real life and blog life going on right now and it is making me uncomfortable.
The strange thing is, is that he has never read the blog. He has been hands off this entire time and stressed that I should keep this as my own place. But because of that, he doesn't know what is at stake here. It is not just that I would rather not tell my family and friends about my predilections or that I do not want to be exposed at work. He doesn't know how much of my private self I have revealed in this space and how vulnerable it makes me feel to know that just anyone can find out these things about me.
I think it is also a bit unsafe. There are a lot of scary people out there on the internet. Who knows what a little lurking and creative Googling could lead to? I've been very careful to keep an invisible online presence in my real life, but I feel like he's exposing me and that makes me very uncomfortable.
I feel a bit off balance right now because I need to work out some things about this assignment and this experience, but I know that everyone involved (except for Him!) is free to come here and read my inner thoughts. I'm confused about sharing us with another woman and what that means for our relationship, and what monogamy vs. an open relationship means to us, but I can't talk about that here anymore. I can't reveal those insecurities or those weaknesses to the world when the world can interact with me in person.
This blog is protection to me. It is distance. It is not that close to the core of who I am at the same time as it is the place that is the most authentic me. I do not want to censor myself here and I do not want to hide from my own sanctuary. I don't know what to do, whether I should throw caution to the wind or whether I should batten down the hatches and cover my head in fear.
I do not want to lose this blog. I do not want to abandon all of the work that I have put in here. I do not want to cut off my ability to work out my issues in a place that is safe for me, among people who understand me. At the same time, I cannot be this person in the real world. I just cannot, for so many reasons. I have too much to lose.
The strange thing is, is that he has never read the blog. He has been hands off this entire time and stressed that I should keep this as my own place. But because of that, he doesn't know what is at stake here. It is not just that I would rather not tell my family and friends about my predilections or that I do not want to be exposed at work. He doesn't know how much of my private self I have revealed in this space and how vulnerable it makes me feel to know that just anyone can find out these things about me.
I think it is also a bit unsafe. There are a lot of scary people out there on the internet. Who knows what a little lurking and creative Googling could lead to? I've been very careful to keep an invisible online presence in my real life, but I feel like he's exposing me and that makes me very uncomfortable.
I feel a bit off balance right now because I need to work out some things about this assignment and this experience, but I know that everyone involved (except for Him!) is free to come here and read my inner thoughts. I'm confused about sharing us with another woman and what that means for our relationship, and what monogamy vs. an open relationship means to us, but I can't talk about that here anymore. I can't reveal those insecurities or those weaknesses to the world when the world can interact with me in person.
This blog is protection to me. It is distance. It is not that close to the core of who I am at the same time as it is the place that is the most authentic me. I do not want to censor myself here and I do not want to hide from my own sanctuary. I don't know what to do, whether I should throw caution to the wind or whether I should batten down the hatches and cover my head in fear.
I do not want to lose this blog. I do not want to abandon all of the work that I have put in here. I do not want to cut off my ability to work out my issues in a place that is safe for me, among people who understand me. At the same time, I cannot be this person in the real world. I just cannot, for so many reasons. I have too much to lose.
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