Indiscretions

Ever since He joined Fetlife and took over my assignment, I feel like this blog isn't safe anymore. It is no longer the haven that I thought it once was. There is a blurring of real life and blog life going on right now and it is making me uncomfortable.

The strange thing is, is that he has never read the blog. He has been hands off this entire time and stressed that I should keep this as my own place. But because of that, he doesn't know what is at stake here. It is not just that I would rather not tell my family and friends about my predilections or that I do not want to be exposed at work. He doesn't know how much of my private self I have revealed in this space and how vulnerable it makes me feel to know that just anyone can find out these things about me.

I think it is also a bit unsafe. There are a lot of scary people out there on the internet. Who knows what a little lurking and creative Googling could lead to? I've been very careful to keep an invisible online presence in my real life, but I feel like he's exposing me and that makes me very uncomfortable.

I feel a bit off balance right now because I need to work out some things about this assignment and this experience, but I know that everyone involved (except for Him!) is free to come here and read my inner thoughts. I'm confused about sharing us with another woman and what that means for our relationship, and what monogamy vs. an open relationship means to us, but I can't talk about that here anymore. I can't reveal those insecurities or those weaknesses to the world when the world can interact with me in person.

This blog is protection to me. It is distance. It is not that close to the core of who I am at the same time as it is the place that is the most authentic me. I do not want to censor myself here and I do not want to hide from my own sanctuary. I don't know what to do, whether I should throw caution to the wind or whether I should batten down the hatches and cover my head in fear.

I do not want to lose this blog. I do not want to abandon all of the work that I have put in here. I do not want to cut off my ability to work out my issues in a place that is safe for me, among people who understand me. At the same time, I cannot be this person in the real world. I just cannot, for so many reasons. I have too much to lose.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope you can make the right decision for you Kitten. I will miss your thoughts though. Best of luck either way. BTW, your safe with me because I don't want to be exposed either!
Tex

Kitten said...

Tex: I'm not going anywhere, just expressing some frustration. I'm going to continue, try not to worry about things too much and just live my life.

And I'll keep your secret if you keep mine :-)

Kitten

swordfish155 said...

Your posts over the last week or so have taken on a newer and deeper honesty than ever before...What I Lost was particularly stunning. Thanks for sharing such intimate parts of your heart and mind with us.

Jessica said...

I really like your posts here. I am intrigued and terrified at the same time. So many feelings are stirred up by your writing. I appreciate your work here.

I understand the need for separating the real world from blog land. I wear a suit to work as well and I don't think my other interests would go over well in the corporate world.
-Jess

Kitten said...

swordfish: Thank you for your comment. I am very happy to share these experiences with you. I am lucky that I can work out these emotions with such thoughtful readers.

jessica: No need to be (too-too) terrified of what has gone on. Everything has been working out for the best :-)

Kitten

Jessica said...

Hi again Kitten,
The reason I am terrified is not for you but for how much I am drawn to your adventures and explorations. I haven't pushed my limits to that extent with my husband and I am surprised at my own sense of intrigue. So terrified of my own feelings....
:-)

Take Care,
Jess

Kitten said...

jessica: That is the best kind of terrified...one that speaks of the potential for exploration and discovery for you. I hope that you get a chance to explore your interests more. It can be a wonderful experience :-)

Best,
Kitten