I haven't been posting here. I apologize. I've been trying to live outside my head for a while, but you know how difficult that can be. I had to come back here to be with you and to talk over those things that only you and I understand. It is so isolating sometimes. I tried to share a part of myself with a close friend recently and it went very badly, so I have retreated. I know that no one understands except you reading here and blogging out there about this life.

This is mostly my fault because I cannot explain this to myself, let alone someone else. Like, how do you put this kind of love into words when you don't even understand what this kind of love is to begin with? Sometimes I think that it isn't love at all, that it is just control and anger and hatred dressed up as something else. It isn't care and protection. Sometimes it is just power for power's sake. How can hurting me so badly, emotionally, serve any end other than to show me how much He hates me? Why else would he do this to me?

I am going on a trip in a few months and it has already been decided that my suitcase will be inspected and He has already made it known that I am not trusted by myself on this trip. That may not seem like a big deal to any of you, but it seems like an intrusion and a declaration that I am not a competent adult who cannot be on her own without suspicion. It's not a test. It just is. I can choose to leave if I don't want to put up with it, but who throws away their whole life based on one thing like that? But that's where they get is one thing today and tomorrow it is another thing and before you know it, your whole life is under siege. Then you look back and wonder where you made the decision to stay and you see that did it every day in a million little ways and that you didn't understand where it was going. And I don't see how that can be love. It seems like something else.

Of all of the things that got me into this, the emotional control is the part I understood the least. I didn't expect it and I didn't see how it tied into the sexual control or ownership or any of that. I am still at a loss to understand it even now, even after it has become the predominant force is my life. I know that I crave it on some level. I can feel it deep in my stomach, that sort of swooping sensation when he puts his hand on my neck and tells me that he owns me. I know that's the desire for control, or maybe the fear of it that gets crossed with desire. There are a lot of crossed wires in my head.

I know that he craves it too. He craves the brutality just like I do, although I think he fears it a great deal less. The other night I was airing some grievance with him and I was speaking a little more forcefully than was appropriate. I could see the burning in his eyes and I quickly stopped. Later he told me that he wanted to hit me so hard in that moment and I immediately felt an electric charge shoot between us. We both wanted it, but if he had actually hit me in that moment? It would have destroyed me and I would have felt an unbelievable sense of betrayal. I know, because it has happened before. There is confusion about destruction for the purpose of rebuilding me and destruction for its own sake. What happens when they look the same from my position on the floor?

He scares me so much sometimes that I wonder about his motivations. He scares me the most those times when he lets up on me suddenly, when he stops the pain and the cruelty, and he draws me into him. I am still scared and defiant and fighting, I want to push him away, but I am out of strength. I collapse on him and start to cry and he comforts me and I wonder, what kind of love is this?


Anonymous said...

From someone who left "the lifestyle" - I realized after leaving that it wasn't the control I craved or even the submission - it was letting go of things and lettings someone else run them - then one day I realized, I wasn't any MORE relaxed living that life - if anything I was more STRESSED because I lived in a sort of fear - not that he would hurt me, but what was coming next? Rollercoaster kind of fear - the kind you know you'll be safe, but it doesn't make it any less scary. Since leaving all of that, I'm so much more happy and relaxed.

Good luck to you.

Meta said...


How much of this doubt is coming from you and how much of it is coming from the outside world and people who don't understand? As you know, I'm going through a hard time trying to explain BDSM to my sister and my parents, which is a nightmare. I feel exactly the way you do about not being able to explain it because I don't fully understand it myself. That being said, I know this makes me happy. And from what I've seen, it makes you happy, too. Don't you love the fear? Being controlled? The connection? Being owned?

Maybe this lifestyle isn't for you, and that's okay. But make sure it's actually you deciding that.

Anonymous said...

That's the part about Ds I'm having trouble with. I have a sub who loves the things I do to her into the bedroom. But we don't see each other much outside of that, so we don't really have to deal with it.

I myself would have a hard time telling her what to take on a trip, but do admit telling her what to wear to work some days, just to show my control.

I don't have any advice for you, just looking to see how you work this all out.

goodgirl said...

There are two things that really struck me in this post.

One was that he doesn't trust you alone on this trip - what does that mean? He doesn't trust you in what way? To take care of yourself? To not get lost? To not end up fucking with some other person? I don't understand what that's about. If you've already discussed this trust issue in previous posts, I apologize; but I would like some clarification, if you don't mind.

The other thing that struck me is that he wanted to hit you in anger - or at least that's the way I read it. Hitting you in anger has nothing to do with a D/s relationship - at least not in my eyes. D/s is about control and power in a trusted relationship. Striking you in anger would be an act done while he was out of control - not good at all, in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

Hi kitten I have some questions for you...first of all I am new to this whole dom/sub thing. And honestly its not really my thing, the man I am going to marry is. The way I see it, he does It, I just play along. I dunno, pain just hurts me. But I have decided to play along with him because I love him.
So my questions are...
He tells me that he wants me to take my clothes off and bring him the paddle. I never have done this because the paddle really , really hurts and I don't like it. Also I am very shy sexually and would feel a bit weird initiating a sexual encounter, especially one that involves acts I'm not 100 percent comfortable with. What should I do? I tell myself that I'm going to do it but end up
Chickening out.
My second question is why does he want me to act like an animal sometimes? Once he told me to neigh like a pony while he was fucking me and I couldn't help but laugh. He wants me to wear animal tail buttplugs and I just think its really weird and a bit silly. What's up with that? Anyone elses input is welcome. Thanks.

Kitten said...

Anon: I'm not sure if your comment is sincere since it seems that you linked here from an unfriendly place. If it is sincere, please accept my apologies.

In any case, the short answer is that you should not do anything that you do not like. You should talk to your partner about what he's into to see if you can understand and if it can be something you can enjoy together. But if you're not into it, you should feel free to decline.

My e-mail is available, so please write if you would like to discuss anything more.