Sometimes I wish that I didn't doubt or question. But I do. The doubts creep up at the oddest times, like last night. I don't know why it happened because I was feeling so good after my latest therapy session and my amazing weekend, but it happened anyway. I couldn't take His comment that he is allowed to do X because he is the Owner while I am not allowed to do X because I am the Kitten. I wanted to get off of the phone right away when he said that. I didn't want to listen anymore.

My emotional reaction to his statement brought up all kinds of questions that I wish I could say are gone at this point. I thought that I'd be over asking "why" after almost a year and a half. I know that that's not long in the grand scheme of things, but I thought that those questions would just go away at some point. I've felt stronger and more sure of myself lately, but I still push back and I still challenge.

I am a hard nut to crack, I guess. Or maybe I'm just like everyone else and others cover it better. Who's to say what the usual process is for any of us, anyway? Maybe I'm ahead of the curve or maybe I'm a slow learner. I wish I didn't feel the weight of these questions so much, but what can I expect when I carry these questions around by myself all the time?

Sometimes I wish I wasn't this way, that I could be happy with a normal life. I wish that I could turn off those voices in my head that want pain or degradation. Sometimes I wish that I didn't know about S&M so that I could go back to pretending to be a happy vanilla person. I wish that I could accept myself as I am.

I wish that I could accept myself. I wish that I didn't have to be ashamed or afraid. I wish that I could feel normalcy in this life. I wonder if it will happen over time. Right now, it seems like a roadblock. I need to move forward, move through it. I don't exactly know how.

Until I figure that out, I'm afraid that I will continue to test Him, and test myself. I don't want to be a pain, at least but I know that He's not ready to give up on me any time soon. I just feel bad. I could be so much better for Him if I could just get over myself.

1 comment:

Meta said...

All I can say is, you're not alone.

To comment on your weekend... I love the way you wrote about it. You gave us just enough to get a glimpse into it, while leaving plenty up to our imaginations. So, so intriguing.