Don't be alarmed - I'm only going away for a week.
My Owner and I said goodbye last night and it was very difficult. We spent a lot of time last night curled up together on the couch. Neither one of us wanted to let go. It was getting late and I had to leave, but we just couldn't stop holding each other close. I was teary-eyed and He looked so sad.
Eventually, I got up to leave. He stood me in front of him and stared at me for a long time. I wasn't sure if He was going to let me go or if He was going to do something to me. He just had that glint in his eye. He snapped his fingers and I knew to drop to my knees. He stroked my hair and then ordered me to bow at his feet.
I pressed my face against the tops of his feet and, suddenly, I was hit with how much I didn't want to be without Him for the next week. I started sobbing, humbled by kneeling in front of him. I swept my hair across his feet as I clutched him around the ankles. My tears fell on the ground in front of Him. I could feel his hands caressing my back as I cried.
After a moment, He went around behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I stayed bent over as He unbuttoned my pants and pulled them down around my knees. I was breathless from crying and now the anticipation. I was reeling with the shift from soft sorrow to arousal and passion.
He entered me from behind, speaking to me gently and still caressing my back. "Daddy's here, don't worry Kitten, it's okay Kitten," He cooed as we fucked slowly, feeling each other intimately for the last time for a week. "I love you."
Process
I keep trying to write some smut, but everything I write seems to be about women. I admit it - ever since our experience in March, my bisexuality has been rearing its pretty head. To my Owner's glee, I've been leering at girls everywhere we go, including a the cute blonde at the book store and the quirky check-out girl at the grocery store. I'm nowhere near open enough to approach these girls, but I am expending a lot of mental energy thinking about them.
A few weeks ago, I went to a gay pride parade in my local city with a gay friend of mine. He has been to a lot of these types of events since he came out, but it was my first pride parade. I was really bowled over. There were so many women who like women there - where have they been hiding? I never see them as I travel the city during the week or go out on weekends. But there they were, kissing and flirting in public. This community has really been hidden from me and I felt like I had just discovered a secret world.
If it's possible, that experience set my thoughts toward women even more. Their beautiful bare shoulders and their long bare legs on a summer day...their soft breasts and lips pressed against me...their hair tickling my back as they lean over me...their fingers probing inside my wetness...their moans in my ear as I draw out their orgasm...
*Ahem.* Sorry, I can get a little carried away. Care to hear more?
A few weeks ago, I went to a gay pride parade in my local city with a gay friend of mine. He has been to a lot of these types of events since he came out, but it was my first pride parade. I was really bowled over. There were so many women who like women there - where have they been hiding? I never see them as I travel the city during the week or go out on weekends. But there they were, kissing and flirting in public. This community has really been hidden from me and I felt like I had just discovered a secret world.
If it's possible, that experience set my thoughts toward women even more. Their beautiful bare shoulders and their long bare legs on a summer day...their soft breasts and lips pressed against me...their hair tickling my back as they lean over me...their fingers probing inside my wetness...their moans in my ear as I draw out their orgasm...
*Ahem.* Sorry, I can get a little carried away. Care to hear more?
Year One/Year Two
It's amazing to me how different the second year of our relationship has been from the first year. That first year was so unlike any time in a relationship that I've ever had - scary and unknown, but also innocent and sweet. Everything was murky then, where we were going and how we were going to get there. We spent so much of our energy figuring out our roles, and then figuring out how to stick with them, and then figuring out how to change the things that didn't work for us.
Now, in our second year, things are so much more natural. After some trouble that we had in December, we came back stronger than ever. That was a big blow-up, but I think we needed that - the same way that forests need cleansing fires in order to grow. We've been in complete sync ever since. Our second year has been one of improvements and growth and great new experiences.
I feel like we've finally figured it out and settled into our roles. I call him "Owner" so instinctively that I don't realize when I do it out in public, or in front of my friends. Everyone knows that he calls me "Kitten," even if they don't really know what that means. We don't even think about it much anymore. I still get mouthy sometimes, but I know my place and I know what to expect. He is comfortable in his dominance, so much so that He doesn't always have to use a heavy hand in order to keep me in control. The best part is is that I feel like we're on the same side, always. It's us together in everything and I know that we're going exactly where we need to go, together.
I think the key to how well this has worked out is that we let these roles, the rules and our whole dynamic emerge organically. We didn't have a blueprint from the established S&M scene or anyone else's relationship as a model of how to do things. I'm sure there are examples out there on the internet, where there is invariably always someone to tell you that their way is the "true" way. But we've done it on our own and managed to find our own way. It might not work for anyone else, so please don't take this as advice. We were inexperienced coming into this, so our lack of expectations helped us; obviously, an experienced person would be frustrated with some of the bumbling and false starts to be disappointing.
I'm feeling unbelievably optimistic today, which is funny because I've used this blog so much as a place to air my negative feelings. But the thing is: I know now that we He says that He'll own me forever, that He means it and that it is possible. It is possible. At this point, anything is possible.
Now, in our second year, things are so much more natural. After some trouble that we had in December, we came back stronger than ever. That was a big blow-up, but I think we needed that - the same way that forests need cleansing fires in order to grow. We've been in complete sync ever since. Our second year has been one of improvements and growth and great new experiences.
I feel like we've finally figured it out and settled into our roles. I call him "Owner" so instinctively that I don't realize when I do it out in public, or in front of my friends. Everyone knows that he calls me "Kitten," even if they don't really know what that means. We don't even think about it much anymore. I still get mouthy sometimes, but I know my place and I know what to expect. He is comfortable in his dominance, so much so that He doesn't always have to use a heavy hand in order to keep me in control. The best part is is that I feel like we're on the same side, always. It's us together in everything and I know that we're going exactly where we need to go, together.
I think the key to how well this has worked out is that we let these roles, the rules and our whole dynamic emerge organically. We didn't have a blueprint from the established S&M scene or anyone else's relationship as a model of how to do things. I'm sure there are examples out there on the internet, where there is invariably always someone to tell you that their way is the "true" way. But we've done it on our own and managed to find our own way. It might not work for anyone else, so please don't take this as advice. We were inexperienced coming into this, so our lack of expectations helped us; obviously, an experienced person would be frustrated with some of the bumbling and false starts to be disappointing.
I'm feeling unbelievably optimistic today, which is funny because I've used this blog so much as a place to air my negative feelings. But the thing is: I know now that we He says that He'll own me forever, that He means it and that it is possible. It is possible. At this point, anything is possible.
Fight, fight, fight
Thanks to subtletimes for the topic suggestion. She asked for the details of our last "fight/argument."
I talked this over with my Owner and we were basically unable to come up with anything. We squabble from time to time, but we haven't had a big fight over actual relationship issues in about six months. We disagree and have difficultly communicating every couple of weeks, which I think is normal. Also, I tend to get overtired late at night because I'm on a pretty strict schedule for work, while He's more of a night owl. By 11 pm, I can get like an overtired toddler - I cycle from hyper, to comatose, to crying in the span of an hour. He knows my moods and can read me pretty well, so He tries to put me to bed before I get out of control. But I still get crabby sometimes and lose my patience when I speak to Him, which is never good.
But those occasional incidents are not really fights, per se. Not like the time six months into our relationship when I got so angry at Him that I put his belongings in a paper bag and drove over to His house with them. I intended to throw the bag at Him and never see Him again. Hilariously, I made the thirty-minute drive to His house that night in about fifteen minutes. He joked later that I drove at pyscho speed! I know that I really offended Him that night because I was just going to throw our relationship away because I was upset. It took a long time to recover from that, but I learned not to react that way in the future.
The oddest thing is that I can't even remember what it was that we were arguing about that night. I just remember that in the middle of a tense moment, we were standing by my car and He went to throw his gum out onto the ground. He looked at me and said in this super-serious voice: "Time out. I need to ask you something." I nodded, thinking that we were about to make some life-changing relationship decision. Then He said, "Can racoons choke on gum?," and we both started cracking up. He was so concerned that a racoon was going to come by and choke on his discarded gum that He couldn't even think about what we were arguing about at that moment. It was so funny, and it diffused all the tension so that we could resolve whatever it was that we were arguing about in the first place.
So, thanks again for the topic. My Owner's suggestion for topics is that I write some good old-fashioned smut, so you have that to look forward to sometime soon. Keep your suggestions coming in by e-mail or in the comments!
I talked this over with my Owner and we were basically unable to come up with anything. We squabble from time to time, but we haven't had a big fight over actual relationship issues in about six months. We disagree and have difficultly communicating every couple of weeks, which I think is normal. Also, I tend to get overtired late at night because I'm on a pretty strict schedule for work, while He's more of a night owl. By 11 pm, I can get like an overtired toddler - I cycle from hyper, to comatose, to crying in the span of an hour. He knows my moods and can read me pretty well, so He tries to put me to bed before I get out of control. But I still get crabby sometimes and lose my patience when I speak to Him, which is never good.
But those occasional incidents are not really fights, per se. Not like the time six months into our relationship when I got so angry at Him that I put his belongings in a paper bag and drove over to His house with them. I intended to throw the bag at Him and never see Him again. Hilariously, I made the thirty-minute drive to His house that night in about fifteen minutes. He joked later that I drove at pyscho speed! I know that I really offended Him that night because I was just going to throw our relationship away because I was upset. It took a long time to recover from that, but I learned not to react that way in the future.
The oddest thing is that I can't even remember what it was that we were arguing about that night. I just remember that in the middle of a tense moment, we were standing by my car and He went to throw his gum out onto the ground. He looked at me and said in this super-serious voice: "Time out. I need to ask you something." I nodded, thinking that we were about to make some life-changing relationship decision. Then He said, "Can racoons choke on gum?," and we both started cracking up. He was so concerned that a racoon was going to come by and choke on his discarded gum that He couldn't even think about what we were arguing about at that moment. It was so funny, and it diffused all the tension so that we could resolve whatever it was that we were arguing about in the first place.
So, thanks again for the topic. My Owner's suggestion for topics is that I write some good old-fashioned smut, so you have that to look forward to sometime soon. Keep your suggestions coming in by e-mail or in the comments!
Ideas
Unlike my Owner, who never runs out of great kinky ideas, I'm finding it difficult to come up with things to write about here as of late. Maybe you noticed? If so, I apologize. It's not that there isn't anything going on, because there is, or that we're not doing anything new and interesting, because we are. I could write about the amazing anal sex that we had to start off our Saturday, or the way that He made me come for about 10 minutes straight yesterday, but haven't we already covered that? Maybe I've just lost that blogging mojo. Help me get it back, dear readers? Leave suggestions, questions and/or topics of conversation in the comments or drop me an e-mail. Let's see if I can get back on track.
Skin
I got my first tattoo a few weeks ago. The tattoo is an interpretation of a drawing of several naked women who appear to be floating, each with long dark flowing hair. I think the tattoo is beautifully done and I am very happy to have this tattoo after years of indecision.
I decided on this design during the past year as I started to come to terms with my sexuality, not just my dedication to submission but my bisexuality. It is something that I have kept hidden from those closest to me - and from myself, even - for years. My desire for women is one of my first sexual memories and my earliest sexual experiences were with women. But, for whatever reasons based on my repressive childhood or religious upbringing, I always kept that hidden away.
I still carry a great deal of shame about these experiences and I am not open about my bisexuality. This is something that my Owner and I have been discussing a lot and will be working on. I hope to be more open one day, but I am still in the closet with most everyone in my life. But the tattoo is a semi-public way for me to celebrate my love for women and this part of myself. It is a hope for the future, that I one day can proudly display and be comfortable in my own skin.
I decided on this design during the past year as I started to come to terms with my sexuality, not just my dedication to submission but my bisexuality. It is something that I have kept hidden from those closest to me - and from myself, even - for years. My desire for women is one of my first sexual memories and my earliest sexual experiences were with women. But, for whatever reasons based on my repressive childhood or religious upbringing, I always kept that hidden away.
I still carry a great deal of shame about these experiences and I am not open about my bisexuality. This is something that my Owner and I have been discussing a lot and will be working on. I hope to be more open one day, but I am still in the closet with most everyone in my life. But the tattoo is a semi-public way for me to celebrate my love for women and this part of myself. It is a hope for the future, that I one day can proudly display and be comfortable in my own skin.
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