In the middle of May, I will be going away for two weeks. I will be going out of th country with my family. I will have limited contact with anyone in the U.S. He will not be going with me. This trip has been in the works for almost a year and it is one of the highlights of my hear, possibly my life. I started planning this trip before I met Him, before I knew that I would have to spend two weeks away from the most amazing person that I have ever met.
As the day looms ever closer, I get more and more anxious. I am nervous about seeing Him; I want to see him all the time. I want more intensity, more pain, more ownership. I need something to carry with me while we are apart so that I don't forget, to make me believe that he won't forget. I need some reassurance while I am away that this is real, that this is lasting and forever. I want his mark to take with me so I can see the tangible proof of his power while I am free.
I have been increasingly insecure and needy for his attention during this time. These feelings have made me wish that I could stay home with Him, they have made me wonder if I am completely unable to be without him. Does that make me weak? I have been having problems sleeping lately, but when I do sleep I am troubled by terrible dreams. He is there but just out of my reach, his attention is on someone else, I shout but he cannot hear me. He drifts away into the darkness and I am left alone.
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Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
- Rilke
D/s, from the inside.
This blog contains mature subject matter. Adults only, please.
I always appreciate your comments and e-mails. Thanks for reading!
I always appreciate your comments and e-mails. Thanks for reading!
About Me
- Kitten
- I am a submissive girl who loves to be dominated by her very devious, and sometimes gentle, man.
Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
- Rilke
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2 comments:
Darling fellow-sufferer,
I have 22 days until I see my master again. I haven't seen him since early September. I completely, totally, and utterly understand your agony. Even though I should be excited now it's "only" three weeks, it still feels like fucking years.
I know what you mean about feeling weak too. We got into an argument last night (it was v. stupid as these things tend to be and he later called and apologised a million times AND I got an apology email too) and all I could think was that I needed to be stronger, that I needed to not be so dependent on him and what he thought of me. Yeah, right. The worst of it is, the more upset he gets, the more reassurance I need, so the whinier and clingier and "littler" I get. Which really doesn't help.
I also had a dream not too long ago that he came home and I could see him and I could almost touch him but he couldn't see me and looked right through me. I woke up completely freaked out.
Sorry that was all jumbly - I just wanted you to know that I understand what it is to be so needy and miss them so much. You have all my sympathies xxx
A's
A's:
Well, now I feel like such an ass because He and I will only be apart for two weeks when you've been dealing with this since September. Although I guess with intense relationships such as ours, any time apart is extremely difficult.
I totally get the clingy thing! When you're apart, any small fights get blown out of proportion and it is so difficult to feel like they are resolved. So hard to get back to that centered place.
Stay strong!
-Kitten
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