Ownership, Part III

He's told me that he owns me for a while now. He's said it a lot more lately and I've been struggling to understand what it means, really means. My problem is that I still feel like such my own person, even though I know that I am under his control. I still get up every day, decide what to wear, and spend my whole day at work being this independent career woman. I support myself, make my own meals, pay my bills and arrange my finances, and maintain my own social life.

I guess I don't feel like I am tightly controlled all of the time though because I have so much freedom. He does not proscribe how I must dress, nor does he micromanage my time. I know that is not his style, that he would find that effort to be pointless and more work than is worth his effort. He has not laid down a litany of rules for me. I am only required to be a good girl for him and to obey. I must always obey and show him the proper respect. When I am not with him and am not under his direct control, it is up to me to think of him and have faith in his ownership of me.

There are times when I am happy for my freedom, when I am glad that he does not require that I interrupt my day or my routine with small reminders of him. But there are other times when I crave more rules - rules for their own sake - to make me feel more owned. I don't know - is it basic insecurity that makes me want him to watch over me at all times? If he is always paying attention to the minutiae of my life, he can never forget about me. He can never leave me behind if he is constantly tending to me.

Maybe I am expecting too much from him by seeking his attention all the time. Maybe I am expecting his ownership of me to obliterate my ego, to disintegrate it completely until all I feel are his desires. There are times when I truly feel like nothing, and I always know that I would cease to exist completely without him, but I can never forget who I am. I can never not be inside this body, can never leave my identity behind, no matter how many rules he lays down or how strictly he controls me.

But that might be what he wants from me in the end. Could it be that he wants me to be myself to make my submission that much more valuable to him? I may never lose myself in his ownership of me and that may be the way it is supposed to be. I may always be my own feisty self, my self, even though I know that he owns me completely. That is the true essence of his ownership of me, and it is just as he intended.

2 comments:

Claire said...

Kitten,

I found your blog yesterday afternoon (when I was supposed to be working...oops) and I have not been able to tear myself away from it all morning until I finished all of your archives and current posts!

I love that you not only write about your experiences, but analyse them to a degree as well. Helps a inexperienced sub like me really gain insight into the D/s world.

You have found yourself another devoted reader!

Kitten said...

claire: I'm so glad that you found the blog and are enjoying it! I love my readers and really appreciate any comments that you have.

I wish you luck in your journey. Perhaps I will read about your adventures one day?

-Kitten