I've been dancing around this on this blog, but astute readers might gather that I have a rape fantasy. I've thought about being overpowered, being taken by force, for years. I've though of it over and over again and from every angle. I'm past the point where I wonder whether this particular fantasy is part of a forgotten memory from my past. I'm done with worrying that I am sick or flawed or somehow a traitor to women everywhere because of this fantasy. It is a part of me, it is a part of my submission - it just is.
He knows about this fantasy. Of course he does - he guess that I had it even before I told him the details. And he has been into it the whole way.
I don't think my desire to explore this fantasy makes me a bad person, but I can't help but wonder about him, about his motivations. Why exactly would he want to participate in this act, this forcing of my body, this bending of my will? There are a lot of submissives who have pondered this topic, but not that many dominants have weighed in (although part of the paucity of consideration may be attributed to the few male dominant bloggers out there).
He is a gentle and considerate man, all sadistic dominance put aside. He is respectful of women and not the type who would engage in an actual forced sexual encounter. I know this about him and his character is without question.
But there is a darker part of him, a secret evil side that enjoys my humiliation and my shame. That dark side of him enjoys when I cry, when he can make me do something that I don't want to do. That same dark part of him feeds the rape fantasy, doesn't it? There is a fine line between fucking me while I beg him to stop and taking me by force against my will, isn't there?
There are no answers here, no judgments. This dark part of him that wants to rape may be no sicker than the dark part of my own psyche that wants to be raped. This may be just another example of how complementary and healthy our dynamic is, nothing more, nothing less.