In the middle of May, I will be going away for two weeks. I will be going out of th country with my family. I will have limited contact with anyone in the U.S. He will not be going with me. This trip has been in the works for almost a year and it is one of the highlights of my hear, possibly my life. I started planning this trip before I met Him, before I knew that I would have to spend two weeks away from the most amazing person that I have ever met.
As the day looms ever closer, I get more and more anxious. I am nervous about seeing Him; I want to see him all the time. I want more intensity, more pain, more ownership. I need something to carry with me while we are apart so that I don't forget, to make me believe that he won't forget. I need some reassurance while I am away that this is real, that this is lasting and forever. I want his mark to take with me so I can see the tangible proof of his power while I am free.
I have been increasingly insecure and needy for his attention during this time. These feelings have made me wish that I could stay home with Him, they have made me wonder if I am completely unable to be without him. Does that make me weak? I have been having problems sleeping lately, but when I do sleep I am troubled by terrible dreams. He is there but just out of my reach, his attention is on someone else, I shout but he cannot hear me. He drifts away into the darkness and I am left alone.