Masochism, Part III

I cannot explain how or why this itch creeps up inside me, but it starts slowly and builds throughout the day. I start to feel jittery and anxious, like I'm crawling out of my own skin. I start unconsciously pulling at my hair and fidgeting, drumming my fingers restlessly and pacing in my office. I have an itch that I just can't scratch.

To call it a yearning makes it sound too peaceful, almost bucolic. Instead, it is a rattling vibration. It is relentless and high-pitched and nervous. It will not stop. I cannot make it stop.

Only He can fix this. Only he can hurt me so thoroughly that my mind can fall quiet again. Only he knows how to take me outside of myself so completely that this energy burns itself out.

But until he can take care of me, I am inconsolable. I am desperate, clawing, relentless. All I want is to feel him over me, all around me, hurting me. I hate him for making me wait, for having priorities that aren't satisfying this need. I resent anything that comes in between us, no matter how irrational. I am violent, raging and I just want to rest my head in his lap when it is all over.

I want to hurt him. I want to incite that darkness in his eyes. I want to be bad so he will punish me, please, please, just spank me, please. I want release and control and submission and all of that is absent in my office on a Monday afternoon. All of that is so far away and I cannot do anything to draw it closer. I cannot survive this one more minute. I cannot be absent from him for a one more second without exploding into a fury of white hot oblivion.


Anonymous said...

I understand that violent rattling need. I too feel that and need someone to take it out on. This post got me worked up.
Thanks for sharing that.

Anonymous said...

Frequent reader, first time poster. This got me worked up too! *gg*

How do you want to hurt him when you feel like this?

moonheart said...

Oh i understand this feeling very well. I call it sometimes a curse. Especially when it take a while before i can meet my Owner again.

Greetings from mo

Kitten said...

Tex and Carly: So glad that I managed to get you both worked up!

Carly: The desire to hurt Him is more like a desire to make him feel the psychological pain that I am feeling, to make him understand.

moonheart: Thank you for stopping by and sharing. Good to know that I'm not alone :-)


Anonymous said...

Kitten: Seems like kind of animmature response/reaction, doesn't it?

Part of what makes a good submissive (IMHO) is to understand and respect our owner's wishes and to live to please Him. Not to seethe and boil with these thoughts of revenge for not giving you enough of what you need. Just my 2 cents *gg*

Anonymous said...

Please don't take that the wrong way. Still enjoy your writing!

And I meant to type "an immature" but my little fingers were flying away.

Kitten said...


I'm not a perfect sub and I don't really strive to be one. I'll never be able to think only of Him and turn off any desires or feelings that I have. So yes, sometimes I do get worked up.

But what makes me an adult in this whole thing is that I write a cathartic blog post about this feeling, capture it, and then let it go. I don't rage at him or punish him because I am having a moment of need.

And when I see him next, I am eager but centered. I do have some self control, after all :-)