No, Part II

Words cannot describe how I feel as you held me, as I clawed at you to get away, as I cried please no, I can't, no. There isn't an emotion to describe this, this miscalculation, this mistake. I have no one to go to for relief from what I asked for, what I gave you permission to do to me. When even no means yes, more, more, how can I expect you to read my broken mind, to see how fragile and ready to crack I am under your touch?

You wanted me to submit, to forget the world outside the door, but I couldn't. Not that night, not at that moment. You wanted to teach me about trust when I could not bear another lesson. All I needed was your care and understanding but you were offering something else.

I learned a lesson anyway, if you care to know. I learned that I am nothing but what you have created me to be. I am nothing but your need.

I forgive because I must. I am nothing without you. And with you I cannot say no.


Anonymous said...

Wow. Thanks for sharing Kitten. I envy what you have but I don't know if I know any woman strong enough to do the same.

Anonymous said...

Just delurking long enough to say how very very very much I enjoy your blog, and how glad I am to have stumbled across it. Sometimes the parallels between our situations are just incredible, and sometimes I have to squee on the phone to my Master about how "other people are just like us!"

That feeling of being nothing is... heady and scary and liberating and mostly scary. When A tells me I have no identity, no will, no self, part of me wants to balk, but the rest of me just floats. I think the tension is what makes it so delicious, don't you?

Back to my lurking corner...

P.S. He even started calling me "kitten" before we read your blog... how weird is that?!

Kitten said...

Tex and A's: Thank you both for reading. This has been a difficult time for me, but I think I am getting back on track. I have not felt strong, but at least I am learning and my trust in Him is growing.

A's: SO glad to see that you can relate. That is so important. I am going to read your blog right now. Maybe we can exchange links?


PS - He calls me Kitten now all the time! I really love it as a nickname and as an identifier for my role in relation to him.