There is this feeling when He is fucking me hard and overwhelming me with sensation. It starts as a quiet hum in my head as he throws me around and starts to slap my face. It increases to a roar as the belt comes down and I dissolve into tears. I am incapable of rational thought at that point, my mind is a mess of chaos. All I can do is act on pure instinct - to scramble away, turn my face, flinch at the sight of his palm.

That instinct, however, is muddled by my love for him and the protector role that he fulfills in my life. He hits me and I am immediately pulled in two directions at once - run or turn to Him for comfort. I don't know which to do, or even whether he will offer me his shoulder to curl upon on from one moment to the next. But when I reach the overload point, the point where I am afraid that I will shatter, the little girl inside of me just wants him to save me, save me from the mean man, save me from Him.

Recently, He pinned me underneath him and hoisted my legs up on his shoulders. My head was hanging off the edge of the bed. The blood was rushing to my head, the white noise in my mind was almost deafening. He noticed that I was holding onto the sheets underneath him to keep my position and he demanded that I let go.

My arms flailed in space. He gripped me by the neck, simultaneously hold me in place and choking me. My body was numb from the sensation of him fucking me furiously. It didn't hurt anymore. Everything was white. If I cried out at that moment, the sound came from my most primal, unconscious place.

I reached back and felt the floor with my fingertips. I don't know what I was trying to do, but my fingers fell on the leg of my favorite stuffed animal - a pink stuffed pig that I sleep with every night when he is not with me. I gripped the animal tightly in my hand as assaulted my body, eventually dragging the animal closer so that I could touch it with both hands. My eyes were closed. I was whispering to myself, repeating the word "Daddy" over and over again in some sort of bizarre mantra or request for reprieve.

When he saw that I was clutching the stuffed animal, he relented. He lifted me back up onto the bed and held me. "That's enough for now, " he whispered, "Good girl." He was once again my protector. I held onto him for comfort and he brought me back down to earth.


Claire said...

Do you ever read him wrong? or get confused......have you gone to him as your protector and he is still in "bad man" mode?

I hope that preparations for your impending trip are going well and you are both making the most of the time you have together before you go away for 2 weeks....has he marked you yet?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the insight and I'm glad he comforts you as well as hurts you when you need it. I hope your marking goes well.

Kitten said...

claire: I usually can tell what he's up to from the look in his eyes. And even when he is in "bad man" mode, he always comforts me after.

No marking yet, but last week we were very busy with other things. Wait and see...

Tex: I am glad as well. I can bear the pain, but I need the comfort to come back down to the ground.


Anonymous said...

i wonder why being hung upside down caused so much fear

Kitten said...

Engar: I think it was the combination of hanging off the bed and being made to let go of my grip on the sheets that freaked me out a bit, plus He was being quite rough with me.