So last weekend when I had friends in town to visit, I had to learn a lesson about ownership and my priorities. We had two bad incidents in as many days that made me feel uncentered and in need of a renewed connection to him.
First, on Saturday night, I had to manage the the competing needs of five people who all wanted to go out different places and do different things, Him included. Since I was the hostess, everyone was looking to me to make a decision and plan our evening. But I was unable to deal with meeting everyone's needs while trying to remain appropriately submissive to him. How could I make a decision that would make everyone happy while taking his needs into consideration first? I ended up basically melting down and He took charge of the situation, which I knew he was hesitant to do because they are my friends and he was trying to be laid back.
That incident really took its toll on me. At home later, I knelt on the floor with my head in his lap. I didn't care that my friend R. was there. I had explained a little bit of our dynamic to R. and he seemed unfazed by it, to a point. I think he was surprised that I was expressing such raw vulnerability in front of others because he knows me as a very independent girl. In any case, I was happy to be able to talk to him a bit about my submission and show this part of me to him since I felt like I had been hiding it for so long.
Then on Sunday, I was with my friends while He was at home attending to some personal matters. He was having a bad day and was in a bad mood. I didn't hear from him so I just went about my business with my friends. I admit that I didn't really make an effort to include him. When I finally heard from him late in the day, I was very short with him on the phone. I was already very involved in what I was doing with my friends and sort of resented the intrusion. Worse yet, he was feeling sad and just wanted me to attend to his needs, but I brushed him off.
He eventually joined us on Sunday night, but I had already made a mess of things between us by that point. I was bustling around my apartment, playing independent hostess and neglecting him completely. I was on my own. He was there, but I was out from underneath him for the time being. I thought I was being strong, but I was really hurting the both of us.
After my friends left, he took me to the bedroom. He knew that things were bad between us, but he was going to let me hang myself first. I did, with aplomb.
I told him that I forgot that I was owned.
It was true. I completely forgot my place and his ownership of me was entirely absent. I was so distracted by my friends and my own needs that I totally undid months of my training. He said a few choice words to re-focus me, nothing more important than when he asked me repeatedly, "What are you without me?" I responded eagerly, desperate to prove to him that I wouldn't forget again.
"I own you, Kitten. What are you without me?"
"What are you without me owning you?"
"Good little Kitten. Don't you ever forget that again." He held me tight to him before pulling down my pants and making me masturbate for him. He kept me from coming while he lectured me and told me over and over again that I am owned, body, mind and soul. When he finally allowed me to come, I was sobbing and telling him that I was sorry. I will never forget that he owns me. I can never forget.