The other night, I fell into an inconsolable sadness because I missed Him so much. Things seemed hopeless and his absence became acutely painful. The happiness at my love for him became so huge that it wrapped around into sadness and the weight of my joy became a burden to me. I knew that I had just seen him a few days ago and would see him again in a few days, but I couldn't help indulging in this almost epic-feeling sadness.
Of course, I wasn't just missing him. I was also worried about how much it would hurt if I could never see him again. I worried about the intensity of my feelings and their natural ending point. I worried about falling over the edge and never finding my way back. I thought about running away, avoiding the possibility of heartache and that made me even sadder - would I give him up just because I was afraid?
We talked on the phone for a while and, although he was trying to carry on as usual with the dirty talk, I just couldn't get out of my negative place. I cried and apologized, but I hung up not feeling any better. Actually, I felt worse - had I alienated him with my bad mood and pessimistic attitude?
But all looked better in the light of day. I stopped worrying so far ahead of myself and resolved to enjoy him in the here-and-now. I decided to take him, my submission, and our commitment to each other one step at a time and stop letting myself become overwhelmed with it all. I chose to be free and to skip alongside him like a little girl, enjoying every second and not fearing the unknown up ahead.