He doesn't usually call me nasty names, although I do like it. There's nothing like being called a slut to get me going. I've tried to work through exactly why that name turns me on but it's still pretty murky. I'm sure that it has something to do with the appearance of propriety that was so strongly drilled into me as a child and the secret wantonness that I knew lurked beneath the surface. And although He usually likes me meek and pliant, he sometimes uses that epitaph to bring out a whole other side of me.
He was reclined on the bed and I was crouched between his legs with his cock in my mouth. He had just carried me there from the living room, where I had been kneeling in front of him. He knew that I was already very aroused. I had told him that the wetness from my pussy was running down my legs while I was kneeling.
"Is your pussy still very wet for me, Kitten? Feel it for me," he coaxed. I slid my left hand down between my legs and felt how wet I still was. "Are you my little slut tonight? Show me what a little slut does." I paused for a second, unsure about how to proceed. He wasn't giving me a direct order. He was challenging me to be creative. I didn't want to make a misstep here. After a moment, I took my mouth off his cock and smeared my wet fingers all over the head so he could feel how wet I was. Then I slid my tongue over the head and tasted myself on him.
"Take my cock deeper. Is that the best you can do?," he dared me. "Is that as dirty as you can be, slut? I want to see how kinky you are." Oh my god, what did he want me to do? I sucked on his cock harder, with more intensity, but he persisted. "Is that the best you can do?"
I whimpered in protest. Then I realized what I could do. I touched my pussy with my right index finger to make it slippery wet, then I slowly moved it toward his ass. I fingered his asshole for a moment, waiting to hear his reaction. When he moaned, I slid my finger in slowly.
"Oh, you are a dirty little slut. Are you my dirty slut?," he gasped with his head thrown back. I nodded with his cock in my mouth, working it with my tongue as I wiggled my finger inside of him. I pushed it in as far as it would go and then pulled it almost all of the way out, making him cry out in pleasure.
"Is that how it feels with my finger in your ass?," he asked once he caught his breath. "What about the beads?," he asked when I nodded. "What about them?," I asked after a moment. "Be a good little slut and show me what they feel like."
I retrieved them quickly, along with the lube. I paused with the first bead right by his asshole. "Are you sure?," I wondered, unsure if this was a trick. "Yes, I'm sure. Now be a good little slut for me." I slid the beads in one by one, pushing each bead in deep to make room for the next one. He writhed on the bed as I licked his balls in between sliding the beads into him.
When the beads were in place, I crept up his body and kissed him deeply on the mouth. "Mmm...my good little slut...," he moaned and sighed as I straddled him, positioning his cock between my legs. "Yes, be my little whore and fuck me, now," he pleaded. I smiled to myself and lowered my hips onto him.
I started riding him slowly, listening to him groan beneath me. I reached behind me and tugged softly on the string. He squirmed in anticipation and discomfort. I know the feeling well - he tortures me by pulling on the string of the beads all the time.
"Come on my cock, Kitten. I want to feel your pussy drip all over me." I rode him harder, faster, feeling the orgasm building in me. He was below me, but I think his mind was somewhere else. He was lost in the intensity of the feeling. He had his head thrown back and he was moaning my name over and over.
I was ready to lose it and come all over him. I looked down and saw myself riding him, my breasts rising and falling in time with my thrusts. I felt powerful beyond belief - not the kind of power that comes with control like he has over me, but power that comes with intense knowledge of one's own sexuality. I had done this to him with my mouth and my fingers and my hips. I had brought him to this amazing place of overwhelming pleasure with my eyes and my skin and my tongue.
I started to come, the orgasm rolling through my body like an unstoppable force. As the waves washed over me and I arched my back, I started pulling out the beads. He made a primal animal noise to match my own and, as the last beads fell free from his body, I asked him with a smirk, "Who's your little slut now?"
Reasons
Recently, I caught some static from a friend who knows some of the details about my relationship with Him. I was very upset by the hurtful things that my friend said about the dynamic between Him and I, particularly the way in which my friend insinuated that I was a weak or sick person for wanting this type of relationship.
I wrote a long, angry post about my feelings and have been staring at the post for days. It was a perfectly reasonable explanation of the relationship that I share with Him, especially the significant non-D/s aspects of our relationship. But now I think that to post what I originally wrote would be giving in to criticism and negativity. That doesn't seem right when this relationship has brought me nothing but happiness and peace.
So instead, I'd like to spread some positivity. THANK YOU to all those who have read, commented and e-mailed. Your support and kind words have strengthened me and your guidance continues to bring me to a place of higher understanding in my submission and in my life in general. I value reading your blogs and experiencing your adventures. And most of all, I hope that you stick with me for the adventures that lay up ahead.
Love,
Kitten
I wrote a long, angry post about my feelings and have been staring at the post for days. It was a perfectly reasonable explanation of the relationship that I share with Him, especially the significant non-D/s aspects of our relationship. But now I think that to post what I originally wrote would be giving in to criticism and negativity. That doesn't seem right when this relationship has brought me nothing but happiness and peace.
So instead, I'd like to spread some positivity. THANK YOU to all those who have read, commented and e-mailed. Your support and kind words have strengthened me and your guidance continues to bring me to a place of higher understanding in my submission and in my life in general. I value reading your blogs and experiencing your adventures. And most of all, I hope that you stick with me for the adventures that lay up ahead.
Love,
Kitten
Stop
"Where is your hand right now?"
"On my pussy," I whispered into the phone.
"Keep touching it. Are you close?"
"Yes," I panted.
"How close?"
"Very close. May I come, please?," I begged.
"No, stop touching it right now."
I whined and reluctantly pulled my hand away. I was silent for a moment.
"Where is your hand right now?"
"A few inches above my pussy."
"Good. You can start touching it again, slowly. Tell me when you get close."
I lowered my hand and started rubbing my clit in slow circles. My breathing quickened and I felt the pressure building. "I'm close, oh god, I'm so close..."
"Stop. Right now."
"Oooh, no...," I whined in desperation.
"Did I heard you say no?"
"No, I didn't say that. I just want to come so badly." I writhed around the bed a little even though he wasn't there to see me.
"Let's try this one more time. Touch your pussy now."
I rubbed furiously, so close that I thought I would explode at any minute. "Can I come now please? Please?"
"Yes, you can come. You beg so well like a good girl, so you can come. Come for me right now."
And I did. He had forced me to let it build and build. That restriction, momentary as it was, made me come even harder for him.
"On my pussy," I whispered into the phone.
"Keep touching it. Are you close?"
"Yes," I panted.
"How close?"
"Very close. May I come, please?," I begged.
"No, stop touching it right now."
I whined and reluctantly pulled my hand away. I was silent for a moment.
"Where is your hand right now?"
"A few inches above my pussy."
"Good. You can start touching it again, slowly. Tell me when you get close."
I lowered my hand and started rubbing my clit in slow circles. My breathing quickened and I felt the pressure building. "I'm close, oh god, I'm so close..."
"Stop. Right now."
"Oooh, no...," I whined in desperation.
"Did I heard you say no?"
"No, I didn't say that. I just want to come so badly." I writhed around the bed a little even though he wasn't there to see me.
"Let's try this one more time. Touch your pussy now."
I rubbed furiously, so close that I thought I would explode at any minute. "Can I come now please? Please?"
"Yes, you can come. You beg so well like a good girl, so you can come. Come for me right now."
And I did. He had forced me to let it build and build. That restriction, momentary as it was, made me come even harder for him.
Passenger Seat
He drove me home after a late dinner and pulled up in front of my apartment. He parked in front of a driveway because he wasn't going to come in. I had to get to sleep for an early day at work the next day. He kissed me goodnight, but I lingered. I didn't want to get out of the car and go to bed all by myself. I was still recovering from my punishment earlier in the week and was feeling a bit clingy. I knew he felt it too because he continued to hold me tight to his chest and whisper that he didn't want to let me go.
We kissed goodnight again and again, our kisses becoming longer and deeper. I nibbled on his bottom lip and he moaned softly in response. I realized that I had woken the beast. He reached down and unbuttoned my jeans. He slid his hand into my panties and sighed dramatically when he discovered how wet his kisses had made me. He pulled my jeans down my hips just a few inches and put his hand back into my panties. I looked straight ahead and tried to relax into the feeling of his fingers on my pussy.
He pulled his hand out of my panties and put his fingers up to my face. I opened my mouth to suck on his fingers like he trained me to do, but instead he smeared my wetness all over my lips and cheeks. He stared deep into my eyes and wound his right hand into my hair.
"Do you want to get fucked right now?," he asked quietly. (He always asks what I want because he loves to hear how hungry I am for him. But whether he gives me what I want is a whole other story.) I nodded, wondering if he was going to take me inside or make me fuck him in the back seat of the car.
"Hmm...," he murmured and I could see the wheels turning. He was considering what to do with me. He slowly pushed my head down onto his lap, where I kissed the crotch of his jeans. I could feel his cock hard underneath the fabric. I let him push my head up and down, foolishly thinking that if I showed him how willing I was to mime the act that he wouldn't make me suck his cock right then and there.
He pulled my head up and stared at me again. I looked up at him, hopeful that he would tell me that I was a good girl and send me inside. Instead, he pushed me back against the passenger seat and roughly groped my breasts. With his right hand still holding my hair, he unbuttoned his jeans and pulled out his cock. He angled my head down toward it.
"Be a good girl now," he cooed as I pulled against him. I didn't want to resist him. I couldn't say no without displeasing him, but at that moment I didn't want do this with him in the car. He had already pushed me so far that week. I didn't think I could take any more.
"Kitten. Now," he said sternly. I looked around at the empty street and acquiesced. Maybe he would just make me put my mouth on it briefly. Surely, he wouldn't make me suck his cock until he came. Not in the front seat of the car. Right?
I leaned over and took him in my mouth. I strained my neck to the street to see if anyone would see me. My head was below the driver's side window, but someone walking by on the sidewalk would see me leaning over with my pants partway down. I was especially afraid of being approached by a police officer since we were illegally parked. If an officer walked up to the car, there is no doubt that I would be exposed.
As I sucked him, he pushed down on my head. "Don't look up, just look at my cock. I see you looking out. Stop that. I'll keep an eye out," he said in a voice that I didn't find reassuring. He's a boundary-pusher and I wasn't sure that he'd be as cautious as I wanted him to be.
He pushed his hips up so I could take him deeper in my mouth, but that just brought my head up to where I would be even more visible. I whimpered in fear and he just pushed my head down again. He was getting closer to coming, but I could tell that he was holding back, prolonging my discomfort. I just wanted to stop and I whined briefly about how I was uncomfortable. He ignored my plaintive noises and held my face in position, moving my head up and down his cock. He was close now. I could tell by his breathing and the way he was moaning my name. I was worried that the noise he was making would attract attention and I continued to attempt to scan the street for observers. At the last moment, he pushed my head down hard. "Take every drop of my cum. Don't miss one drop," he exclaimed as he came down my throat.
I sat up quickly, brushing the saliva from my cheek. I was shaking as I pulled up my pants and buttoned them. He pulled me against his shoulder and smoothed down my hair. "You are such a good girl. You did such a good job for me," he sighed. He was proud of me. Why didn't I feel better about that? This had been a fantasy of mine - it was supposed to be fun. But I was too worried. I had been braver in my own mind than I was in real life.
I went into the apartment alone and sat in the dark. It was late but I wasn't tired anymore. I finally fell into a fitful sleep on the couch and dreamt about Him. He had me on a leash and was leading me though a series of rooms, each room darker than the one before. The rooms were endless. He pulled me through the inky darkness. I followed him, afraid of where he was taking me. I couldn't see anything up ahead.
We kissed goodnight again and again, our kisses becoming longer and deeper. I nibbled on his bottom lip and he moaned softly in response. I realized that I had woken the beast. He reached down and unbuttoned my jeans. He slid his hand into my panties and sighed dramatically when he discovered how wet his kisses had made me. He pulled my jeans down my hips just a few inches and put his hand back into my panties. I looked straight ahead and tried to relax into the feeling of his fingers on my pussy.
He pulled his hand out of my panties and put his fingers up to my face. I opened my mouth to suck on his fingers like he trained me to do, but instead he smeared my wetness all over my lips and cheeks. He stared deep into my eyes and wound his right hand into my hair.
"Do you want to get fucked right now?," he asked quietly. (He always asks what I want because he loves to hear how hungry I am for him. But whether he gives me what I want is a whole other story.) I nodded, wondering if he was going to take me inside or make me fuck him in the back seat of the car.
"Hmm...," he murmured and I could see the wheels turning. He was considering what to do with me. He slowly pushed my head down onto his lap, where I kissed the crotch of his jeans. I could feel his cock hard underneath the fabric. I let him push my head up and down, foolishly thinking that if I showed him how willing I was to mime the act that he wouldn't make me suck his cock right then and there.
He pulled my head up and stared at me again. I looked up at him, hopeful that he would tell me that I was a good girl and send me inside. Instead, he pushed me back against the passenger seat and roughly groped my breasts. With his right hand still holding my hair, he unbuttoned his jeans and pulled out his cock. He angled my head down toward it.
"Be a good girl now," he cooed as I pulled against him. I didn't want to resist him. I couldn't say no without displeasing him, but at that moment I didn't want do this with him in the car. He had already pushed me so far that week. I didn't think I could take any more.
"Kitten. Now," he said sternly. I looked around at the empty street and acquiesced. Maybe he would just make me put my mouth on it briefly. Surely, he wouldn't make me suck his cock until he came. Not in the front seat of the car. Right?
I leaned over and took him in my mouth. I strained my neck to the street to see if anyone would see me. My head was below the driver's side window, but someone walking by on the sidewalk would see me leaning over with my pants partway down. I was especially afraid of being approached by a police officer since we were illegally parked. If an officer walked up to the car, there is no doubt that I would be exposed.
As I sucked him, he pushed down on my head. "Don't look up, just look at my cock. I see you looking out. Stop that. I'll keep an eye out," he said in a voice that I didn't find reassuring. He's a boundary-pusher and I wasn't sure that he'd be as cautious as I wanted him to be.
He pushed his hips up so I could take him deeper in my mouth, but that just brought my head up to where I would be even more visible. I whimpered in fear and he just pushed my head down again. He was getting closer to coming, but I could tell that he was holding back, prolonging my discomfort. I just wanted to stop and I whined briefly about how I was uncomfortable. He ignored my plaintive noises and held my face in position, moving my head up and down his cock. He was close now. I could tell by his breathing and the way he was moaning my name. I was worried that the noise he was making would attract attention and I continued to attempt to scan the street for observers. At the last moment, he pushed my head down hard. "Take every drop of my cum. Don't miss one drop," he exclaimed as he came down my throat.
I sat up quickly, brushing the saliva from my cheek. I was shaking as I pulled up my pants and buttoned them. He pulled me against his shoulder and smoothed down my hair. "You are such a good girl. You did such a good job for me," he sighed. He was proud of me. Why didn't I feel better about that? This had been a fantasy of mine - it was supposed to be fun. But I was too worried. I had been braver in my own mind than I was in real life.
I went into the apartment alone and sat in the dark. It was late but I wasn't tired anymore. I finally fell into a fitful sleep on the couch and dreamt about Him. He had me on a leash and was leading me though a series of rooms, each room darker than the one before. The rooms were endless. He pulled me through the inky darkness. I followed him, afraid of where he was taking me. I couldn't see anything up ahead.
Shy
I hate having sex while on my period. I'll take a quick fuck toward the end, but otherwise I'm too squeamish over the sight of my own blood. There's nothing worse than riding him with wild abandon, climaxing, and then looking down to discover that he is covered in blood. Horrifying.
He isn't uncomfortable with my period at all. He talks about it like it's the weather, all, "Oh, how is it today?" while I'd prefer to never mention it again. I can't even tell him that my period has started in a direct manner. With all of the guys out there who are disgusted by this particular function of women's bodies, I get the one who doesn't care. Unfortunately, I found out recently exactly how much he doesn't care.
He woke me up with his hands all over me. He was hard already and pressing against me. He slid down my body and started tugging my panties from my hips.
"No...I...," I stammered. I couldn't get the words out. Usually I'm a very well-spoken person, but his power over me steals all of my words.
"I know, Kitten. Now lift your hips," and he pulled my panties off of me. I kept me legs closed tightly together, but he just put his hand between my knees and pushed them apart. He was laying with his face about 12 inches from my pussy, getting that close-up view of me that he loves.
"Is this what you didn't want me to see? The string?," he said slowly in his most patronizing voice. Then he tugged softly on the string. I closed my eyes tightly and put my hands in front of my face. I was mortified. I nodded and whimpered.
"I see the string of your tampon. Does that make you nervous that I'm pulling on it like this?" I nodded some more, clutching my hands to my face in hopes of making this all go away.
"Touch your pussy for me, Kitten," he moaned as he bit into the sensitive flesh of my inner thighs. I cried out in pain as he continued biting me. I reluctantly removed my right hand from my face and started slowly rubbing my clit.
"Look how wet your little pussy is. Are you embarassed? Does that make you wet?" I started moaning, partly from embarrassment and mostly from the pressure of my fingers on my clit. He started pulling on the string again, making me squirm and I turned my face away from him. "Look at that, you're getting even wetter. I can see your pussy dripping." I kept rubbing my clit until I came hard with shuddering gasps.
"I think you want to get fucked right now, don't you?" He was right. I did want him inside me, if only to stop him from torturing me with my tampon, but mostly because I needed to obey him. I didn't care if there was blood as long as he thought I was a good girl for him.
He told me to go take my tampon out and I was momentarily relieved when it seemed like he was going to let me go to the bathroom to do it. But I was flabbergasted when he followed me into the bathroom and held me by the hair, urging me to take it out while he was standing there. I closed my eyes and removed it, trying not to look at it or him. I was certain that I was about to melt into the floor from shame.
After I washed my hands, he brought me back over to be the bed and bent me forward at the waist. I tried to keep my hands flat on the bed as he fucked me from behind. He came hard inside me, pushing me down onto the bed underneath him.
"Are you my shy little girl?"
"Yes."
"I love that you're shy for me. And I love how wet it makes you."
I smiled underneath him, feeling his cum seeping out between my pussy lips.
He isn't uncomfortable with my period at all. He talks about it like it's the weather, all, "Oh, how is it today?" while I'd prefer to never mention it again. I can't even tell him that my period has started in a direct manner. With all of the guys out there who are disgusted by this particular function of women's bodies, I get the one who doesn't care. Unfortunately, I found out recently exactly how much he doesn't care.
He woke me up with his hands all over me. He was hard already and pressing against me. He slid down my body and started tugging my panties from my hips.
"No...I...," I stammered. I couldn't get the words out. Usually I'm a very well-spoken person, but his power over me steals all of my words.
"I know, Kitten. Now lift your hips," and he pulled my panties off of me. I kept me legs closed tightly together, but he just put his hand between my knees and pushed them apart. He was laying with his face about 12 inches from my pussy, getting that close-up view of me that he loves.
"Is this what you didn't want me to see? The string?," he said slowly in his most patronizing voice. Then he tugged softly on the string. I closed my eyes tightly and put my hands in front of my face. I was mortified. I nodded and whimpered.
"I see the string of your tampon. Does that make you nervous that I'm pulling on it like this?" I nodded some more, clutching my hands to my face in hopes of making this all go away.
"Touch your pussy for me, Kitten," he moaned as he bit into the sensitive flesh of my inner thighs. I cried out in pain as he continued biting me. I reluctantly removed my right hand from my face and started slowly rubbing my clit.
"Look how wet your little pussy is. Are you embarassed? Does that make you wet?" I started moaning, partly from embarrassment and mostly from the pressure of my fingers on my clit. He started pulling on the string again, making me squirm and I turned my face away from him. "Look at that, you're getting even wetter. I can see your pussy dripping." I kept rubbing my clit until I came hard with shuddering gasps.
"I think you want to get fucked right now, don't you?" He was right. I did want him inside me, if only to stop him from torturing me with my tampon, but mostly because I needed to obey him. I didn't care if there was blood as long as he thought I was a good girl for him.
He told me to go take my tampon out and I was momentarily relieved when it seemed like he was going to let me go to the bathroom to do it. But I was flabbergasted when he followed me into the bathroom and held me by the hair, urging me to take it out while he was standing there. I closed my eyes and removed it, trying not to look at it or him. I was certain that I was about to melt into the floor from shame.
After I washed my hands, he brought me back over to be the bed and bent me forward at the waist. I tried to keep my hands flat on the bed as he fucked me from behind. He came hard inside me, pushing me down onto the bed underneath him.
"Are you my shy little girl?"
"Yes."
"I love that you're shy for me. And I love how wet it makes you."
I smiled underneath him, feeling his cum seeping out between my pussy lips.
Punishment, Part II
I roll up the sleeve of my shirt to look at the bite marks and bruises that He left on my arm. I look at them several times a day. I remind myself of that night over and over again. Ever since that night, nothing has been the same. Everything is new now, everything has changed.
***
He held me after and told me that he loved me. All traces of his anger were gone. We spoke briefly about the blog and he encouraged me to continue writing. He didn't demand to see it right away. I think he sensed that it was my personal thing and that it should flourish under my sole discretion for a time before he read it or decided to contribute.
I stopped crying but I couldn't relax right away. I was in my very most submissive place but there was no release for me. I was tense as he held me to his side, marveling how hard he had come. I could still feel his hands around my neck and couldn't seem to get out of the intensity of that moment.
I spent a few days after questioning my submission, about my illusions of how much I had given myself to him before that night. I see now that I was fooling myself by thinking that I had relinquished control. I thought that I was submitting but I still kept veto power over a great number of things. One example that is glaringly obvious to me now is how I was controlling my anal training - stopping when I experienced discomfort and denying him his right to fuck my ass until he was satisfied. I have been controlling the ball in that situation and maybe he has let me, but that night taught me that in the end I am truly and completely under his control. He exercised his power over me in such a sudden and violent way that I was forced to stop my feeble efforts to direct things between us. And in the process, I broke through levels of my submission that I didn't even know were there. He broke down a whole mental block that I didn't even know that I had put up, leaving me raw and vulnerable.
I had been playing at something and playtime was over. But I'm so grateful for having that experience with him because I never knew how free I would feel with his foot on the back of my neck.
***
Before we fell asleep that night, he asked if I thought I needed a safe word. We had never discussed that before, but I think he realized how rough he had been, how terrified I was, and how intense things were like never before. But I immediately told him no. My submission was so deep at that moment that I didn't want a safe word to rescue me. I wanted to put myself completely in his hands and I trusted him to protect me.
Trust: that word seems so small to describe something so big in me, so important between us. That night I began to see my trust in him with new eyes. It is as deep and vast as the dark ocean at night. It is the deepest breath I can take as his hand closes over my mouth.
***
He held me after and told me that he loved me. All traces of his anger were gone. We spoke briefly about the blog and he encouraged me to continue writing. He didn't demand to see it right away. I think he sensed that it was my personal thing and that it should flourish under my sole discretion for a time before he read it or decided to contribute.
I stopped crying but I couldn't relax right away. I was in my very most submissive place but there was no release for me. I was tense as he held me to his side, marveling how hard he had come. I could still feel his hands around my neck and couldn't seem to get out of the intensity of that moment.
I spent a few days after questioning my submission, about my illusions of how much I had given myself to him before that night. I see now that I was fooling myself by thinking that I had relinquished control. I thought that I was submitting but I still kept veto power over a great number of things. One example that is glaringly obvious to me now is how I was controlling my anal training - stopping when I experienced discomfort and denying him his right to fuck my ass until he was satisfied. I have been controlling the ball in that situation and maybe he has let me, but that night taught me that in the end I am truly and completely under his control. He exercised his power over me in such a sudden and violent way that I was forced to stop my feeble efforts to direct things between us. And in the process, I broke through levels of my submission that I didn't even know were there. He broke down a whole mental block that I didn't even know that I had put up, leaving me raw and vulnerable.
I had been playing at something and playtime was over. But I'm so grateful for having that experience with him because I never knew how free I would feel with his foot on the back of my neck.
***
Before we fell asleep that night, he asked if I thought I needed a safe word. We had never discussed that before, but I think he realized how rough he had been, how terrified I was, and how intense things were like never before. But I immediately told him no. My submission was so deep at that moment that I didn't want a safe word to rescue me. I wanted to put myself completely in his hands and I trusted him to protect me.
Trust: that word seems so small to describe something so big in me, so important between us. That night I began to see my trust in him with new eyes. It is as deep and vast as the dark ocean at night. It is the deepest breath I can take as his hand closes over my mouth.
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