Need

I'm not supposed to have wants or needs of my own, needs that don't serve Him. But my submission to him has made me vulnerable and needy. I tried to be hard and impervious to everything, every emotion. I tried to stay back, to keep everything in control. But he knocked down my defenses. He made me this way in his own interest and now he has to face the demon that he created.

I need him to make me feel secure, I need him to hurt me and take away all of the pain, I need him to put his hand on me and bring me back to the ground, I need him to love me, I need him to absolve me of all of my guilt, I need him to keep me from worrying, I need him to feed my hunger, I need him for my sanity, I need him for my salvation...

I need, I need.

What to do when he isn't there, when I'm disconnected? Nothing to do but fret and blame him and drink too much. I can't ask him to be what he is some of the time all of the time. I can't ask him to give, give, give.

Especially when all I have to give back is my cunt and these hands and my heart.

9 comments:

Tex said...

It's ok to need Kitten,
Without that I think we would all end up lonely and not open up as we really need to. Take care of yourself,
Tex

DL's toy said...

Hey sweet pea,
Ah yes, the infamous need and its place or not in M/s. i am not going to lecture but i think every single submissive out there, whther or not they admit it, has thought similar things.

Unless we're machine, we're all human, right? Humans have basic needs and wants... i think...

i think it's okay. For me, it's my "needs" that propels me to focus on DL's desires.

xoxx

Pixiepie said...

need is good kitten...but learn this lesson well just as i am learnng it now. you are allowed to have your own needs...your own wants and they need to be fulfilled. they must. or else why does being Owned hold such appeal to you. THAT is your need, is it not? the first paragraph really struck me...i am going to share it with Richard. thank you kitten.

Little Girl said...

Yes, we have needs and wants too... It's human and natural and although our primary purpose in our relationships is to please our Dom's it's also our duty to communicate with them. I have felt like this, how you describe. What has helped me is to write it all out, determine what is need versus want and then take it to my Sir in a constructive way and let him do with it what he feels is best for the both of us. I am often surprised by how much he takes to heart and or changes things up to make me feel better about the service I'm there to provide for him. Sometimes it takes days or weeks to see the changes, but they are subtle and there. You just have to rememeber to communicate with your Sir because that's really important.

Kitten said...

Everyone,

Thank you for your kind words.

I wrote this post a few days ago when I was feeling down and He wasn't able to attend to me. It wasn't his fault, but I blamed him. I hated feeling so needy.

After talking with Him, I came to terms with my feelings and I have thought about some strategies to keep myself together when he isn't there for me. Meditating on his ownership and knowing that he is always thinking of me has helped.

Thanks so much everyone,
Kitten

sub lyn said...

i have my moments of feeling this way too. i think there's some sort of submissive idea where we truly have no wants or desires but our Master's, but i don't believe that's really achievable. It's certainly best when their needs and ours are the same, and second best when they are different but we find our needs meant my putting their's ahead of our own.

browneyedgirl said...

i love this post.

i try to constantly remind myself tht i am for Him... His need.

But yet i need - I NEED!!!!!

Thanks for the words, you took them right out of my mind.

kJ
browneyedgirl

findingsubission.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

All right. I've not made it any further in your blog as of yet, and I'm a relatively new reader, and I see that you said you've spoken to him about it, so I'm not sure of your progress in this actual moment.

However, I still want to suggest a few ideas here.

I think a good way to approach this might be to think of it this way:

"(Dom title here), I feel that I need these things, and there are things that scare me and I want you to know this. Please consider this information that I have given up to you as you make your decision."

Really, domination is only easier when the dom knows more about the lay out of your heart and mind, and can make more informed decisions. I guess it's a way of giving up and providing your thoughts and feelings for consideration. I think your thoughts and feelings should be valuable to him. Knowledge is power, right? =D

Anyway, hope I'm not being too presumptuous or intrusive with this; I truly admire what you two share and I wish you the best.

- D

Kitten said...

D: Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.

As I look back at this post, I am reminded that this is merely a "snapshot" of how I was feeling one day a couple of months ago. I did talk to Him after that day and we came to an understanding.

But your advice, to be open and honest with Him so that he understands everything, is great advice and I thank you for it.

Best,
-Kitten