I'm not supposed to have wants or needs of my own, needs that don't serve Him. But my submission to him has made me vulnerable and needy. I tried to be hard and impervious to everything, every emotion. I tried to stay back, to keep everything in control. But he knocked down my defenses. He made me this way in his own interest and now he has to face the demon that he created.
I need him to make me feel secure, I need him to hurt me and take away all of the pain, I need him to put his hand on me and bring me back to the ground, I need him to love me, I need him to absolve me of all of my guilt, I need him to keep me from worrying, I need him to feed my hunger, I need him for my sanity, I need him for my salvation...
I need, I need.
What to do when he isn't there, when I'm disconnected? Nothing to do but fret and blame him and drink too much. I can't ask him to be what he is some of the time all of the time. I can't ask him to give, give, give.
Especially when all I have to give back is my cunt and these hands and my heart.