"Don't know why I'm still afraid,
If you weren't real I would make you up,

Honey and the Moon
Joseph Arthur

I sing these lines whenever I'm with Him. I sing them quietly to myself in the darkness of my bedroom when I'm alone. Never have song lyrics spoken to me more, because, if I stop to think about it, I swear that I have made him up.

I don't know how I could have done this. Before we met, I didn't even know how much I needed him. I couldn't conceptualize this experience at all. But now there are times when I look at his face, times when he doesn't know that I'm looking at him, and I can't believe that he is real. Even more than that - I can't believe that he is real and that he chose me.
I stare into his impossibly dark eyes, at his soft lips, and wonder how they came to be. I touch his face, his beautiful face, and cannot believe that he is looking at me.

If I hadn't met his friends and family, if he hadn't met mine, I would think that he was just a figment that floats through my window at night. I hold my breath so I don't scare him away, I keep perfectly still so I don't wake from this dream.

I realize that he is real, that everyone else can see him, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But then I'm immediately gripped by a long before he realizes what a fraud I am? How long before he wakes up and sees me for who I am, turns me aside for someone as beautiful as he is, inside and out? How long before his delusion breaks?

I kneel with my head down, hoping that he'll let me remain at his feet forever.


Anonymous said...

This is beautiful Kitten,
I'm sure your master knows how beautiful you are inside, just look at your writing here. He would not choose to own you and be jealous if he did not see this.

moonheart said...

Such a sweet and beautiful post.

Songs said...

I feel EXACTLY the same about Bear.
He's completely gorgeous, the most beautiful man I've ever been with. He doesn't feel real, too perfect.
I tell him he's too good for me on a daily basis.
I wait for it all to come crumbling down.

Kitten said...

Tex: I just hope that he always wants me, because I cannot imagine not myself without him.

moonheart: Thank you for reading and stopping by.

songs: It is very scary, not knowing how long something will last. I guess the best we can do is enjoy each moment.