"Don't know why I'm still afraid,
If you weren't real I would make you up,
Honey and the Moon
I sing these lines whenever I'm with Him. I sing them quietly to myself in the darkness of my bedroom when I'm alone. Never have song lyrics spoken to me more, because, if I stop to think about it, I swear that I have made him up.
I don't know how I could have done this. Before we met, I didn't even know how much I needed him. I couldn't conceptualize this experience at all. But now there are times when I look at his face, times when he doesn't know that I'm looking at him, and I can't believe that he is real. Even more than that - I can't believe that he is real and that he chose me. I stare into his impossibly dark eyes, at his soft lips, and wonder how they came to be. I touch his face, his beautiful face, and cannot believe that he is looking at me.
If I hadn't met his friends and family, if he hadn't met mine, I would think that he was just a figment that floats through my window at night. I hold my breath so I don't scare him away, I keep perfectly still so I don't wake from this dream.
I realize that he is real, that everyone else can see him, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But then I'm immediately gripped by a panic...because...because...how long before he realizes what a fraud I am? How long before he wakes up and sees me for who I am, turns me aside for someone as beautiful as he is, inside and out? How long before his delusion breaks?
I kneel with my head down, hoping that he'll let me remain at his feet forever.