The impotent rage I felt that night didn't go away. If anything, it got worse. He knows that he hasn't totally broken me and that I am hanging on to the last little bit by a thread. He knows that I am clinging to that last little bit of what I used to be and that I am fighting with everything I have to hold on to that.
I have been focusing a lot on my impending trip, which is coming up faster and faster. I can feel the time slipping away. It is one more thing that I cannot control.
Funny how when I had all of the power, I couldn't give it away fast enough. Now that I am on the brink, I can't stop seeing where I am powerless. I cannot stop discovering instances where I am helpless and vulnerable, more reasons for me to hate him.
I know that there is a way out of this. I know that I built this prison for myself. I hold the key. I can leave, if I want. I can run. I can give in to that terrified voice in the back of my mind, the one that tells me that this will never end, that he will destroy me. I can run now and be far away before he wakes up. I can be in control again.
Or I can stop fighting and accept what I asked for. I can surrender to what I know is coming. I can stop worrying and stop desperately grasping for control. I can give up and float away. I can trust him - trust that he has control of everything, trust that he owns me and will take care of me. I can submit to Him. I will submit to Him.