We were fighting on IM. I was upset about something with my family and I was taking it out on Him. I latched onto something that he did to upset me and I was going to town. I was sending messages rapidly using a sarcastic tone and barely giving him an opportunity to get a word in edgewise. And I was winning.
I love to win.
But there is no winning in submission, not with my clever words or the loudness of my voice. I cannot win because I am not even in the game. I forfeited my right to play when I have him the right to own me. I can be upset with him and I can disagree with him all I want on any number of valid points. But I cannot defeat him.
What I can do, if I choose to let myself go, is insult him and disrespect his ownership of me with my tone. Unfortunately, that is what I chose to do during our IM conversation. I use the word "chose" because I am responsible for my words and how I behave. The immature little girl in me would like to abdicate responsibility and claim that he made me upset so he made me talk to him that way as a result. But I am not a little girl. I am a person in this relationship, D/s or otherwise, and I have to be accountable for my actions. I am ashamed but I acknowledge that.
He told me that my behavior was "unbelievable" and that I would be punished accordingly. I don't know what my punishment will be. He has not told me and I'm trying to figure out if that makes it better or worse. But I know in my heart that I deserve whatever I get.
Sir, I am very sorry. I will try to be a better girl for you.