We were on the phone the other night. He had me put the beads in my own ass while he listened on speaker phone. Then he had me kneel by the side of the bed, come for him and pull them out. It is sort of humiliating that he can make me do this to myself, that he has such control over me - even over the phone - to make me do this. But I do it because I wouldn't dare disobey.
After I was done, he was reveling in his power over me. He said, "I can do anything to you, can't I?" He sounded so satisfied with himself, so powerful.
See, he didn't say "You'll do anything for me, won't you?" He said that he could do anything to me. It was a small difference in word choice but it spoke volumes to me.
I was sort of unsettled by what he said, even though I didn't say anything to him about it. I immediately flashed back to high school and that group of boys who had all been with the "slutty girl" at a party. They were boastful, confident after their conquest. They gathered around one of the boys' lockers and gossiped loudly so everyone could hear - about her, about how they could do anything to her. She gave herself to them and they shamed her in that hallway in front of everyone.
I know that he doesn't use me in the way those boys used her. I know that he loves me and doesn't want to shame me like that. But I see that he has such power over me, just as the boys had all those years ago. The shame that had been so deeply ingrained in me just doesn't go away. The sing of being that slutty girl, the girl they could do anything to, just doesn't go away. The feeling of being vulnerable, pliant, putting everything you have out there for the pleasure of others, hoping that for just one moment you will receive a taste of the love that you deserve. A moment of pure love.
Maybe I was offended by what he said because, in the end, it is true. He can do anything he wants to me. I am that powerless. I am exactly that vulnerable. He is right.