We were talking about fidelity again recently. He started grilling me on my admittedly bad track record with fidelity within monogamous relationships to make a point about how I used that power to control my previous partners. He was drawing a distinction between my previous relationships, in which I did all sorts of things to manipulate and maintain an aura of control, and our relationship, in which I have relinquished all control to Him.
What I thought was a slightly-uncomfortable, if lighthearted conversation, turned serious very suddenly when He slid closer to me and told me that he would release me if I cheated on him. I think I laughed it off for a moment, so he repeated himself. "Kitten, I am not joking. I will release you."
I tried to process what he meant. Obviously, he wouldn't release me if it was one little mistake? I wasn't thinking of a protracted affair with lots of lying, but the typical drunken indiscretion that was my hallmark at one time. If we talked about it, if I was honest with him, he would forgive me, right? If we had been together for years and years, had built a life around each other, certainly one mistake wouldn't mean the end of everything? I thought that I would forgive him a similar small mistake. Something that insignificant wouldn't be worth throwing everything away over.
But he saw it differently. By being unfaithful to him, especially after we had been together for a long time, wouldn't just be dishonest. Seen through the prism of my submission, it would be the equivalent to spitting on his ownership of me. It would mean that after all that we have been through, after all that we have built together, that I disrespect him so much that I would throw him away for a fleeting moment. It would mean an extra layer of betrayal for him and for what it means to be owned by him.
He wanted me to know the consequences - really know them - so that I understood. There would be no forgiveness and no talking my way out of it, as I have done so often before. I could not do my usual fast-talking routine and get off scott-free. I could not retain that control.
He made me decide. I could accept his terms, knowing what the consequences would be. Or I could walk away. I cried and protested for a while, fearful that I wouldn't be able to meet his expectations. I was...I am afraid that I will not be able to control myself in the heat of the moment. After years of just doing what I wanted because it felt good, with no concern for the consequences, how could I change my whole pattern of behavior?
He told me that the essence of the issue comes down to the question: "Do you want to be owned?" Making this commitment, knowing that he will take care of all of my sexual needs but that they are out of my control, is the essence of accepting his ownership. Denying myself that illusory power to do what feels good in the moment is what it means to be a good girl for him. Admitting that I have no agency in this situation, that I cannot do whatever my impulses tell me and must think of something bigger than myself, is what it means to be owned.
I accepted. I have to change. I cannot go on like I was before. I want to be owned.